For Him...??

For Him...?? (Chapter - 15)

Saanvika's POV

Day by day, my nervousness is multiplying like a virus and is messing with my head...... People say these are pre-wedding jitters but only I know they are not..... I am Gamophobic..... I didn't know when I developed this but now I am..... When I talk to Vihaan, I feel everything will be fine with us, but when I think about the upcoming marriage, it scares me to an extent that I almost broke this marriage a couple of days before...... In a fight with my brother, I almost concluded that I won't marry... Though I later realized my fault. As it's only one and half months to the wedding, ma asked me to come home taking work from home and I did..... She is surprised as I actually did what she said..... Well, this is another misconception of hers and bhai's that I and bhabhi intentionally disobey them which is not at all true...... Our situations always turn against us and make us culprits...... Starting one week went really well as I am staying with them for such a long period after almost 2-3 years....... Usually, I won't take long leaves, the maximum leaves I take in a year are 3 days for papa's barsi(death anniversary) and three days for Ahana's birthday..... That's all..... But from the second week, the real story started..... Honestly, I and bhai can't tolerate each other much..... We love each other a lot but couldn't stay together without any fights and because of that, the whole environment gets polluted..... Well, the friction is much more between Bhai and bhabhi though...... Their fights are uglier and bhabhi won't talk to Bhai for at least a month or so unlike me who forgets everything till the evening..... I was trained in such a way by ma and Nani...... Whenever there are some disagreements between me and Bhai, ma always shut me up, she always asked me to stay calm and not fuel the fight and I did...... I am still doing...... I wasn't feeling well for the past two days as I am continuously dreaming about papa..... My mood wasn't better and at the same time, we both had different opinions on a general issue..... As I wasn't in a great mood, I didn't even argue with him, I just cut the discussion and started having my lunch silently, but he came to me, and asked my opinion but I refused to say anything as I knew it would lead to an argument and later to a fight...... But he started insulting me saying I was unfit for everything, and if I continue to keep my opinions with me, I'll suffer a lot..... Blah blah blah.....  so having no option, I told him, I wasn't in a good mood so that he will understand and stop the discussion but it's my Bhai we are talking about... He in return started insulting me further saying, I think that I am the only one who has problems in their life, etc etc etc...... I wanted to slap myself for telling him about my bad mood..... He even commented to me that I will always be in an unhappy mood...... Who is he to pass such comments, how much did he see me   ?? All my friends, and colleagues, call me a happy soul.....

Because I never fail to put a smile on my face..... Yes, I may be an unhappy soul inside but I never showed it to people...... And he in no way has the right to call me that, because, in this 13 years of journey without papa, I never shared my pain with him or anyone for that matter... No, maybe at once I did, 3-4 years back, I called him and told him that I am remembering papa a lot..... And he gave me great support at that time and for once I felt really good but the things he says when he is angry destroys everything....... I was so angry when he said those words that I wanted to punch his bl**dy nose but I calmly stood up to go somewhere else and have my lunch so that the discussion doesn't prolong, but he threw his plate of food, marched towards me and held my hair so tightly that I felt the pang...... Tears formed in my eyes but I tried so hard to stop them...... He got angry because I chose to walk away from him, bl**dy male ego...... I reluctantly sat on the table and tried to gulp my food but he didn't stop scolding me or saying things that hurt my self-respect but all I did is to sit there silently and hear them...... After a while when he went inside, I put the plate in the wash area having no mood to eat, and left to my room to have some alone time so that I calm my anger...... Ma is on some phone and bhabhi is inside the room with Ahana, that's why both don't know about this...... Two tear drops fell out of anger but I wiped them silently..... Ma came to me after a while and seeing me so angry and my eyes red she asked me the reason and I narrated the whole incident using some colorful words for her son, I burst all my anger and also blamed her that she made me stay calm all my life..... She too cursed bhai's attitude and asked me to calm down which I eventually did..... Before I calmed down...... I asked ma to cancel the wedding saying Bhai called me an immature, selfish, and unhappy soul and how can an unhappy selfish soul make someone happy, but ma calmed me and made me understand..... And till evening I got back to normal, during dinner, I commented about some curry to Bhai and he responded normally...... This is our routine for the past few years...... Bhai is the only person on this earth with whom I maintain a relationship as it is even after he hurt my self-respect...... I don't know why I keep tolerating his insults, is it because I know he is a very good and pure-hearted person from the inside, or is it because I love him too much..... Maybe both....... Except for him, I wouldn't tolerate anyone who hurts my self-respect, I even resigned from my first job because my superior had hurt my self-respect....... My managers tried to convince me a lot but I was adamant, I told them what I feel "Job is my dignity, but what's the use of doing it when it snatches my dignity away" After that none uttered a word and later I bagged another job with more package but it took quite some time, when I was idle, everyone wronged my idea of resigning for such a petty issue but I never regretted it, in fact, I proudly told that I gave up my job to save my dignity and pride..... And I must say, ma and Bhai supported me a lot in my decision..... I don't mind even if I get less CTC than in my previous jobs but they should respect me and my work, that's all I need, this attitude of mine only makes my colleagues respect me a lot...... But sadly I can't fight with my brother for my dignity, if I did ever, then our relationship would be back to square one and I don't want that, so I bear every insult swallowing my pride...