WITH GRACE.

9장

"daniel-ah?" i asked my brother on the other end of the line.

"yes? are you alright, noona? you don't call me by my other name unless you're mad or..."

"i'm... fine. i'm just facing a few problems with school. that's all," i said, smiling faintly although i knew ge won't let be able to see my expressions.

"noona..."

"i just... called to tell you i'll be home really late. are you and jungwon at home now?"

"hyung and i are still on the way, noona. training was dismissed early,"

"okay. can you... can you guys look after yourselves for tonight while i'll be out late?"

"that's no problem, but..." he trailed off, "please just take care of yourself, noona,"

the call had ended. i started walking to the nearest park, sat on a swing and allowed my thoughts to run free ㅡ cliché alone time scenario.

this day was quite eventful, if i may say. exam week had just ended. nothing could've gone wrong. nothing ㅡ if only i exerted more effort. i think i might've flunked my chemistry exams, maybe even my majors as well. i hate to blame anything, but my schedule played a significant part on it. chemistry and my majors' exams were set on the same day and i had to prioritize my majors more than anything. i was able to prepare, yeah, but with work and how i was constantly bombarded with paperworks in some minors ㅡ i came inevitably not well-prepared. i should've started preparing months ago.

i was too complacent.

aside from exams, i also faced an unfortunate situation at school. i got yelled at for the first time ever in my history of schooling. it was one of my department professors who yelled at me. i barely slept last night to stay up studying and cramming necessary knowledge in my head. apparently, it was a wrong move. one professor asked me to bring over documents to the faculty which i gladly followed. however, when i felt the cold airconditioned air of the faculty touch my skin, i feot lethargic. i hazily walked towards my professor's table and bumped to one of the department professor's table, causing his drink to topple over and spill on his clothes.

with what bad luck i got for today, the professor was one of the oldest and irritable ones in the faculty. when he started yelling at me, the other people inside the faculty looked at me with pity in their eyes. it was too embarassing to look back upon.

if only i wasn't a sensitive little prick. sure, i seem dauntless with my honest mouth, but emotionally speaking ㅡ i can't even relay my thoughts and feelings properly unless provoked by external pressure. i tend to start overassessing things so when i start to think about what i truly think or feel, i begin to think of its effect on others. i barely even consider myself.

i just hate seeing people mad, frustrated, disappointed and negative towards me.

in truth, i am a sad little girl pretending to be a strong woman.

nevertheless, if i don't act strong for the important people left to me, who would? jungwon and dongkyu is all i have left. ever since the incident, i was set on making sure the boys feel the love and appreciation they could've enjoyed from our parents. if only fate didn't take them away so soon. the crying faces, the sorrow, and the pain in the eyes of the boys still linger at the back of my head. i swore to myself, never to see those expressions on their faces while i live.

i know that dongkyu is aware of what i'm feeling now just from that call alone. this hasn't happened a lot in the past couple of years. maybe just twice before.

when i do this, it just means i'm under a lot of stress ㅡ mostly academic ones. i stay out late, not minding the dangers of the streets at night. i let my mind run loose from the bars i put to barricade the darkness within and remain firm and strong for the people dear to me.

i feel fragile, as if i'm going to break any time soon.

not soon after, a pitter patter of tears started trickling down my face. at first, they fell slowly... until they didn't and flowed like a meandering river instead. it was a mixture of anger, pain and resentment ㅡ yet, who do i resent? fate, who took our parents too early? our parents, who succumbed to fate's judgment and left us so suddenly? or myself, for not being strong enough to withstand such little conflicts in the world that's slowly getting bigger for my young adult's mind?

i was lost.

perhaps i was too immersed in my tears that i was late to detect another presence on the adjacent swing. my head was still bowed down. i didn't look up to see who took the vacant swing, not even caring about the possibility of having a criminal next to me. i was simply too embarassed to let anyone see me weak and defenseless like this.

a hand held out a piece of chocolate where my bent head can still see. it took me aback and unknowingly looked up, forgetting my resolute decision not to let anyone see me in this state.

sunghoon...

i couldn't read his expression. he wasn't smiling, nor was he frowning. he was simply looking at me and my tear-stricken face, his lips on a thin line. my handsz which were holding onto the chains suspending the swing, tightened their hold.

"we were young back then. now, we're not. i know what we used to believe when we were children are now more likely disproven, but i still believe chocolates can take the sadness away," he started.

"you probably feel awful right now, letting someone else see you at your lowest, but, is it wrong of me to feel happy that i'm able to witness this?" was he here to comfort me or tease me?

"because this time around, i'm returning the generosity and kindness you showed me back then. no one else took initiative to comfort me like that, only you. it may be selfish of me to say that throughout these years, i hope i'm the only one who saw you like this, comforted you like this," he smiled, staring straight into my eyes with his soft orbs.

he held my right hand, loosening its hold on the chains as he caressed it softly before he opened it and put the piece of chocolate in there.

i merely stared at that piece of chocolate for nearly a minute before i slowly unwrapped the wrapper and popped it in my mouth.

perhaps the remaining rationality has left my mind because the moment i felt the bittersweet flavor of the chocolate, i started tearing up again.

i heard movements from the other side. my eyes, with fresh tears still flowing freely, followed sunghoon who stood up and came in front of me. the ground was dirt, but it didn't keep sunghoon from kneeling on it. he held my hand and squeezed them ㅡ as if he was reassuring me that things are going to get better.

i stared at him, focusing my gaze on his eyes as mine slowly diverted to the mole on his inner left eye to the mole under his right, his nice nose, and his plump red lips. i was breathless seeing such coldness and warmth within those gentle features, within such beauty.

then it hit me. i scanned his entire face. i was checking him out!

i momentarily looked away feeling my cheeks and ear heat up until i heard him softly chuckling. i stared back at him, seeing his eyes sparkle genuinely as his lips arched into a charming smile.

sunghoon held out his hands and i felt warmth wipe away the tears and the path they etched onto my cheeks. his hands were big, but gentle and it brought me back to my younger years. his hands reminded me of my father, who used to wipe my tears away like this.

i felt another surge of tears threatening to spill, but before they could, sunghoon enveloped me into a gentle hug. it was probably the warmest i have gotten from someone other than my family in a long time.

"it's going to be alright, eunhye. trust me."