Hazel & Bright Green Eyes | a KickthePj Fanfiction

Why Did I Do It?

Chapter 21- Why Did I Do It?

Everything was blurry. I hadn't slept for 3 days. How could I? What if Pj woke up? What if he needed me? I wonder if he felt the same way about me as I did about him. Damn, I love that boy. What more, college was starting soon, I don't know if I could deal with that and Pj both. Then I thought of something I hoped to never think of. What if he never wakes up? What I he were to... die? What would his fans say? I couldn't bare the thought of it. As if reading my mind, I felt a light tap on my shoulder, it was Phil holding two cups of coffee.

" Do you um, maybe want to go get some air?"

" Sure, just give me minute? " I said, voice a bit raspy from lack of water.

" Of course."
He move out of my way as I headed straight to the bathroom with my head down and both of my hands in tight fists. I swung open the door and slammed my hands down on the sides of the sink, letting the tears force there way out of my eyes. I held them in much too long for my liking. I watched them roll down the sides of the sink into the drain. I looked up, and for a second, I didn't recognize myself. The makeup I put on days ago was well gone leaving a blotchy mess of Earth tones. Slowly, I turned and the sink and let the water run around in my hands, through my fingers. For a change, it actually felt nice. I rubbed my face and opened my eyes, letting them stretch. After several try's and fails and trying to make my hair look the least bit presentable, I finally just decided to put it up in a ponytail. It was these little things that can make you frustrated and even angry in times when your already in that sad state of disbelief. I have had enough of this atmosphere, I really just needed some fresh air. I pushed open the door with quite a bit of force and walked over to Phil, who was still in the same position from where I left him, standing, waiting.
" Ready?" I tried to speak a little cheerier, if at all possible.
" Yea, uh-huh." He responded, beginning to head to the empty doors. I followed sluggishly behind, dragging my feet every couple of steps.
***
We sat on the cement curb of the back of the hospital, listening to only the car horns and faint sounds of the city, but other than that, there wasn't much going on around us. It wasn't a particularly cold day, it's just that we were sitting in the shade of the rising sun with the wind blowing against us.There we were sipping out coffee. What I would do for a cup of tea right now. Maybe laying down on floor of my apartment, next to the fire, letting the flames wrap me in a blanket of warmth. Pj would be there too, laying next to me, arms loosely wrapped around me, but still feeling safe.
" Your cheeks are red. Here, have my jacket." Right when he said that, I was remembering back at the campfire, when Pj offered me his jumper that night. It was so cold, just like it was now.
He put his jacket around my shoulders. Nothing would ever be as warm as Pj's jumper. But maybe that's my problem. I need to stop comparing things to what was. What if Pj never wakes up? I didn't want it to be true, but I had to accept that possibility. After this, I suddenly felt...safer. I laid my head down on Phil's lap and sighed.
" You don't how long." I said suddenly, looking out to the distant city.
" Sorry, what?"
" You just don't know how long you have left. Anything could happen, at any point in your life whether you like it or not. That's just how it is. " I gave him a minute to think this through.
" Like, what if I were to die right and now. What would you do?" I said, in a serious manner.
" Don't say that..."
"No, but seriously, what would you do if that were to happen?"
Phil sighed deeply.
" Well, I would never let that happen. Never to you."
For a moment, there was silence from both of us.
Finally, after thinking about what he just said, I came to a conclusion.
"Why?"
He looked down at me, and I looked up, straight into pale blue eyes.
"Because." He paused for a moment.
" I love you."
" So it was the truth..." I said, realizing all the signs that I confused as friendly gestures. I sat up.
" You, the night after we hiked down the mountain, you came into my tent, and said you loved me."
He had a hint of confusion on his face, but the rest was just another type of deep feeling.
" And what did I do next?"
"Well," I started, but hesitated, trying to decide whether or not to tell him the truth.
" You leaned over and tried to kiss me." I waited for an expression of any sort to appear on his face, but all I could see was lust.
"And if I were to try again?"
I didn't answer. I don't know if what happened next was the loneliness I was feeling, perhaps the emptiness, and even maybe a desire in the back of my head, but what I didn't know was that nothing would ever be the same.

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