There's a certain thrill in the few moments before the flashing lights and the deafening cheers of fans take over all their senses. The anticipation which bubbles in the pits of their stomach as the sudden rush of everyone scrambling to ensure everything is in place suddenly seems to slow down to an impossible pace. Every little action unfolding in front of his eyes prints itself to his memory and every second passes at the same pace of an hour. Little irrelevant things like the way his hair seems too short and his cheap gold necklace too scratchy against the soft skin of his neck. The leather prods and pokes at certain angles and the sweat pooling at the edge of his face takes down a bit of the foundation with it. Yoongi can't help but find it harder to find oxygen in his lungs.
The Dark And Wild comeback stage is something they all had been looking forward to as well as dreading simultaneously. The compliments which come rushing in from their small yet steady growing fanbase is always something to look forward to but the harsh and uncensored criticism which comes from the terrifying ordeal of being known is something which takes a level of mental strength Yoongi isn't too sure he possesses.
"Yoongi, we go live in 2 minutes! Your mic piece is in place, right? Did Eun-jung put on the blue one- remember we don't want any mix-ups like at the practice stage!"
Yoongi can only nod before the lady is running away towards some person further backstage, he doesn't even know her name although he has been around her for at least 6 hours on average for the past 12 days. She's an event co-ordinator, he thinks, and he'll probably never see her again. Bighit keeps rotating on who they hire, something about expenses and quality not matching up. He stands still where he was instructed, waiting until the lights shine bright and the music cues them on. In his moment of idleness, where his panic and anxiety have amplified to such an extent that to the naked eye it appears as mere indifference, he observes the many people running around him. They'll become faceless by tomorrow (because Yoongi has never been good with faces) and their names will slowly fade into obscurity (Yoongi isn't even sure he can name half of them). They'll wake up when the sun rises and go on with their lives Yoongi might never again be a part of and although he hasn't known on any other level other than the superficial professional surface level, he feels a pang of missing out.
Lives which flourish without him knowing as well as those which wilt in his ignorance, something about the thought of watching the world turn as he remains rooted to a single surface only fuels the existential dread among the many crises which seem to define his being. His eyes glance over to where Jimin stands, eyes trained up at the ceiling as he wrings his hands. A nervous habit. Jimin murmurs something which drowns in the chaos backstage and Yoongi can't help but wonder if they'll all remain friends. Maybe ten years from this moment, they'll be sitting in their own homes; Yoongi with his loneliness for company and rewatch the video recording of this comeback stage. Would he remember the murmurs which left Jimin's lips like a feverish chant, will he remember Hoseok subtly clenching his fist as he watches Seokjin speedrun the dance, will he remember the taste of saltine crackers and the slight burn in his eyes due to the eyeliner used, will he remember the adrenalin-filled thrill and paralyzing fear which overtake his system moments before they live? Will he remember wrapping his arms around the boys as they put their foreheads together, a battle cry for the war they are about to fight against critics and the unforgiving army of anonymous online haters. Will he remember the soft cries of Jungkook the night before because he is so young and so scared of messing up, hyung! Will he remember the worried glance Namjoon gives him as he casts aside the plate of food shoved unceremoniously in his hands. Will he remember the joy and the happiness little things bring in his life or will the constant, unflinching darkness shroud his life forever? Reminiscing of the past through rose-tinted windows has been something of a bad habit as poisonous as one would expect which Yoongi has had seen he could remember. Even at the tender age of 12, he was living in the present through the lens of the past.
He didn't want to, but he couldn't help but notice when the present would become a broken fragment of the past- time slipping from his desperate grip, leaving him running in an endless void he, himself, had created. He didn't want to go on stage, he didn't want the stage to end, he didn't want to head home and sleep, he didn't want tomorrow to come- the comfort in the familiarity of today won over the hopeful uncertainty of tomorrow. Hah, he would have laughed if the crushing sense of numbness wasn't making it so hard to breathe, for someone who wanted to live so desperately- he hadn't fully lived a day in the moment itself. Always looking back on the present moment, always wondering if everything would stay the same or if the inevitable tides of change would sweep him away too.
"YOU GUYS ARE LIVE IN 3! 2! 1! GO!"
The booming voice prompted his muscle memory as he moved to near the center stage, kneeling into position. The darkened stages prompted cheering and with that, Min Yoongi was gone.
Red lights flooded in and his heartbeat began to mimic the familiar beat of Danger, it was time for Suga to shine. The confident, indifferent, cool persona Yoongi could inhabit before the bitter reality of actually being a human and having an assortment of emotions came flooding in. He could do this, he could deliver what he was supposed to and even if for just a moment, live in amongst the cheering and the singing and the flurry of dance moves. Although Min Yoongi was burdened with the human condition of never purely feeling a singular emotion or understanding the depth of it, Suga was blessed with the ability to shine as bright as the combined strength of a thousand universes.
He could do this, for he was no longer existing as Yoongi but rather acting in the role of Suga, the one who never falters.
i'm still drawing up a cohesive plotline but it will mainly follow canon timeline, this chapter was on the shorter side- I'm sorry! i just wanted to get things moving! comments really motivate me so please leave some !! thank you so much for reading and sorry for the grammar mistakes as usual. ps: anyone watches bnha?
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quiet ➫ yoongi-centric
Fanfictionhis eyes are glazed over, bloodshot, as if he were crying for a long time. his lips are bitten and swollen; a deep red as if painted with blood. he wants them to ask if he is okay, he wants them to take him in their arms and protect him from the wo...
