quiet ➫ yoongi-centric

0.3

And he really does, Yoongi really does want to believe that better days await him, a better future awaits him. 

But there is a difference between believing and wanting to believe.

It's been a few months since SKA has been released. It managed to top Gaon charts and sold over 200,000 copies so to say they are proud is an understatement. It is, after all, a big feat for them for once there was a time where they doubted whether they would even debut. And even if Yoongi doesn't refuse when the group asks him to join them for a few drinks (well the hyung line as the maknae line still can't drink legally), it doesn't necessarily mean he wants to be there. They sit around the tiny table in their living room, beer bottles laying around them as the maknae line spreads out on the sofa, occasionally sipping on their apple juice (which looks like beer so yoongi makes sure to keep an eye on it in case they try to swap it). Namjoon was haphazardly trying to fix the chopstick he had previously broken, placing the two pieces together as if that would magically fix it. Jin was laughing, loudly and obnoxiously, telling jokes Yoongi couldn't hear over the loud music. They would have at least five complaints from their neighbors tomorrow, not that they really cared about it right now. Hosek was the silent drunk, Yoongi would occasionally find him staring at the wall as if he were to send his loved one off to war tomorrow. 

For the most part, Yoongi remained curled up in himself, talking only when asked a question. He isn't as drunk as others thought he is. Not that they would have any better judgment since they were also drunk out of their minds. The maknae line sneaks off to the small room bedroom shared by everyone after an hour of watching the drunks amusingly and Yoongi tries not to worry too much about the things they might be up to. His phone has no charge and he doesn't understand what Namjoon and jin are babbling. Hoseok looks like he's gonna pass out any second, and Yoongi can't even go to bed unless he wants three hyperactive kids jumping on him and trying to get him to play some stupid game. So it leaves him no choice.

He quietly leaves to go to the toilet, beer clutched in one hand, the room feels too stuffy all of a sudden and the alcohol in his veins makes it hard to filter his thoughts. His legs have fallen asleep after sitting in one position for so long. He stumbles out the room, others too lost to notice. His steps are shaky, like his breath and the bathroom seems so far away. He can hear Jimin and Jungkook giggling as Taehyung hurriedly whines something Yoongi doesn't catch. He stops in front of the room. The door is slightly ajar, letting Yoongi peek into the dimly lit room. 

Although they are right in front of his eyes and he could join in rather than just looking at them having fun and enjoying without even really doing anything except being to each other. He feels as though he is watching a different universe unfold, a universe where the sun always rises regardless of how dark the night is, a universe where the silence is pleasant not punishing, a universe where every day doesn't feel like drowning in a bottomless pool with no one around to save you. He watches silently for a few moments, observing the distance between his and their universe grow. If his universe is surrounded by hopelessness, their's is bursting with hope.

 And suddenly he wants to puke, so he rushes to the toilet (which is just down the hall, it turns out). He dry heaves in front of the sink. He can almost taste the slightly bitter taste of his beer and the salty taste of the noodles he had for dinner (he feared Jin was beginning to catch on his starvation-centered diet plan so he had to stuff his face albeit he hated it). He feels the bile come up his throat and getting stuck there, choking him. Except it is not bile, it this overwhelming sense of fear, sadness, and anguish which takes over him. He felt it bubbling in his chest during the past few days, raging against his ribcage, ready to overflow anytime. And it finally has. Yoongi haphazardly closes the toilet door, and locks it; wanting to savor the few golden seconds of privacy he rarely has in their tiny dorm. His eyes are stinging, threatening to flow over with tears.