quiet ➫ yoongi-centric

0.2

उम्मीद पर दुनिया कायम है

But everything is not okay.

'Everything' doesn't get better, it gets more tolerable at the most. He gets better at ignoring the dull ache in his chest each time he reads a hate comment. Hiding everything behind a gummy smile which manages to outshine the dullness in his eyes.

They don't suspect anything, at least he doesn't think they do. After all, they never question why he has such a hard time getting out bed sometimes (they think he's just lazy sometimes), why he always insists on taking a shower every single day even after exhausting routines (they don't need to know what he does in there) or why is he always doing something if he isn't sleeping (because if he lets his mind sit idly, his mind will kill him).

And some part of Yoongi does want to reach out to them, ask them if they can hold him in their arms; even if it is just for a night. Yoongi just wants to hide away from the whole world sometimes, just watch a movie with the boys while they cuddle under the only but extremely soft blanket they have in the dorm. But he doesn't.

He doesn't want to be a burden. Everyone is stressed, everyone has their own issues, own demons to deal with. Everyone is fighting their own battles and Yoongi doesn't want to hand them his problems. He knows they may be seconds away from crumbling themselves, if Yoongi adds to the burden then they will surely break. And he rather see himself wither away like a plucked flower then see anything bad happening to his bandmates.

He wants to kick himself on some days. More specifically, days like this. He wants to slap and punch himself, beat himself up because why the hell isn't he happy?

This was everything he had ever wanted in his entire life. To perform in front of an audience, to rap for a crowd regardless how small which would scream the lyrics back to him. Have people around the globe praise his lyrics and appreciate the amazing beats and songs he produces, even if they weren't too famous yet. He looks at his band members and they all have bad days. Yet somehow, they never seem to struggle like him. Their bad day end and they seem to be capable of shutting their minds up. Yoongi remains helpless against a migraine in his head.

On most days, Jungkook looks exhausted and ready to faint anytime after an intense dance practice yet there is always a tired but genuine smile on his lips as he enters the dorm, ready to crash. Yoongi wishes his smiles could be that honest too when he comes back after a hard day at the studio. Jimin skips meals until Jin has to shove it down his throat, and he has tears in his eyes yet they somehow manage glimmer with hope. Yoongi swallows his food, praying to see the glimmer in his eyes too, someday. Taehyung sometimes cries in the kitchen, during the wee hours of the morning when he thinks everyone is asleep. Unaware of Yoongi who is hiding behind the slightly ajar door, too scared to approach him. But he always wipes his tears, always manages to see the silver lining of things when the clouds cover up everything. He always manages to make himself happy, sometimes by watching some stupid video on the internet or by hugging other members, claiming he wants to comfort them. Yoongi wishes he could distract himself like that sometimes. Hoseok stays locked inside his dance studio, repeating moves until he performs them in his sleep yet the smile on his face and his hearty laughter after all the pain is filled with pure joy. It makes Yoongi hopeful, that one day he too would look at his work with love and not disgust. Namjoon reads until the bags under his eyes look like bruises. He reads books of murder and love, of joy and tragedies, about vast expanse of the universe and oceans, he reads about the world which could exist parallel to their own. He then takes what he knows and turns into the most lyrical masterpieces they have ever seen. The emotion, the depth, the beauty of words Yoongi can't even fathom sometimes. But he sees the joy Namjoon gets when someone does understand his deepest works, understand what he feels and why he feels. Yoongi wishes he was smart enough to really know the weight of words. Maybe then, he would feel at least a little accomplished. Heck, even Seokjin can't bring himself to look in the mirror on bad days, yet he always manages to pull himself together. Fake smiles and force out laughs until they become real. Pretend to have fun until he loses himself in their silly banter and join in on their aimless bickering. It all becomes real, somewhere along the way. It encourages Yoongi to keep faking it till he makes it, even if it never works with him.