Record 35: What Is Happening To Me?

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by __assi

by __assi

Today is June 3, 2020

I will be honest.

I am not in my right mind. There are times I need to pause, think, overthink, awkward towards others and angry. Specially when it comes to my family.

I want to cry for a moment, and become strong and bold in a sudden.

I pity my child. I want to become well. To take care of him well. When he fall or got hurt, I will literally pause, let the thing or just happened sink in. Before I get him and comfort him. I am not in my right mind at that moment.

When people tell something that hurt me, I am not in my right mind. At night before I sleep, I am consume with so much thinking, solving and conclusions that my mind only created.

I cannot think right, I don't know what to do. I want to be someone I planned , I dream for my family and specially for my child.

I am so scared of so many things.

I want the best for my child, but it seems that I giving not enough effort or service to him.

There are times, I can't connect to my husband. We have different way of thinking. That's why I need to keep what I think he will never understand, and tell him what I already filtered. But deep inside, I know I have to do it. Show everything to him. I want to tell him my deepest thoughts. But he is not like that one. I am already learning to accept that fact and I am praying for him.

But yea, I am also human. I need friends. I need someone to listen. I am thankful God is always there, he will always be all ears.

Too much pressure, stress, disappointments and negative vibes is drowning me.

Sometimes it's hard to breath anymore.

Yea, let's be weak this time. Show my bare personality. My emotional self.

But if you ever read this. Please leave one word or two for me.

Maybe this is just me and the post-partum thing. And I don't like this. This is making me insane.

And I lost control sometimes. If I am angry, I really show it. But that's not me, being a Christian anymore and it's making me sad.

Life is short. We don't know what tomorrow brings. That's why as soon as possible, I want to enjoy this life, through thick and thin. Enjoy and appreciate God's blessings. Though life is hard, I want to smile and share light and life to others.

I want to become more understanding and mature. Become openminded and only speak blessings.

(deep sigh)

What is happening to me?