Rape - I'm not a victim I'm a SURVIVOR.

Mixed 10

I was raped on March 11, less than a week before I turned 18. I was a freshman at college. My boyfriend and my best friend were out of town for a class trip, so I decided to go out with a couple of my best girl friends. We went out to the upperclass dorms and were drinking and doing beer bongs... I hadn't partied in months, but I wanted to go all out and have a great time with my friends since it had been so long. The partying continued, and this is when my terrifying night began.

The girls- there were four of us together- got separated going from room to room to party, but it wasn't a big deal because we were with so many of our other friends. I started hanging out with one particular guy, Eric, who I had been very close to first semester, but hadn't seen in awhile. We were catching up on things, and he was my "escort" around that night. He was giving me shots off the beer bong and just hanging out with me.

At some point that night we went walking and ended up in a bathroom, so we could talk alone.... but it didn't seem strange to me that we were alone, because we always used to go off together to talk. Soon after we went in there I gave him a hug in response to whatever he was saying, and he asked me if I knew what I did to him. Of course I had no idea what he meant, being so drunk. He took my hand and made me feel his erection. Then he unzipped his pants and exposed himself, making me rub him. I freaked out, saying he was gross and telling him that my boyfriend would be mad if he knew about that. He told me it was ok and that my boyfriend wouldn't care, making me feel stupid that I was freaking out.

I kept yelling and making such a racket that he got scared, and we left the bathroom, continuing to walk around as if nothing had happened. I thought that was the end of it, because he was just my friend, and I obviously didn't want him. It was late, and I couldn't find any of the girls, so I was going to walk back to my dorm alone. When he offered to walk me back, I accepted, realizing that I was too drunk to make it safely on my own. He gave me a piggyback to my room, and we went in. I had no roommate,so it was just the two of us.

I started passing in and out, and each time I awoke he was doing something different to me. At different times he had me in various stages of undress, fondling my breasts and genitals. I protested to it all, citing my boyfriend more, saying we were just friends, saying to leave me alone. Through it all though, he told me it was ok, until finally I gave in or he went on when I passed out anyway. Finally he put pajamas back on me. Milk (the rapist's nickname) kept pressuring me for sex. Amidst all of my protests, I passed out, waking to find him inside of me. I was scared and confused as to what was going on, but because of the alcohol I kept passing in and out.

I told him to leave me alone, but he didn't. Sometime during this, he woke me and tried making me flip over, eventually flipping me himself, and then continued raping me in the "doggy-style" position. I passed out again, waking to him inside me yet again. He pulled out, then asked if he was better than my boyfriend. I was afraid, humiliated, and thought I had done something wrong. He got dressed and said he would see me later,then left. I went back to sleep.

The next day my friend and boyfriend came back. I told them what happened, then I decided to take action. I told some faculty members and went on to have a school hearing. Eventually he got expelled. I still lost a lot of friends, had many people not believe me, had many vicious rumors spread and I had scary confrontations. I finished out the last month of school though, because I didn't want him to have taken that from me.

I was in self healing denial, trying to be strong, for a long time. It's been four months and nine days, and I am just now really starting to heal. After my rape, many girls came and told me their stories, and told me how brave I was. I was just doing what I needed to survive though. People cope in different ways. I just pray that he never does it to anyone else. May God bless all of you who have gone through it, and please find help.