Rape - I'm not a victim I'm a SURVIVOR.

Coreen

Coreen Survivor's Story: My story is not unique in anyway but after being silent for so many years I want to tell it. The person who raped me was my childhood friend actually he was my best friend. I was 13 years old and John was 15 or somewhere around there. I met John in first grade at recess he was sitting along side the fence a form of detention. For some reason he decided to start throwing gravel at me so I threw a ball at his head and we were friends for six years after that incident.

The town I live in is small, homogenous, and Christian. A lot of the people here are poor and use some kind of drug to soothe their boredom and dissatisfaction. John's parents used drugs and beat him often. I never knew it John hid that part of his life so well. Until the day he came over with a gun saying that he would blow his step dad's head off. Being eleven years olds I didn't know what the hell to do so I just said "hey you can stay in my basement." John went home though.

After that John always wanted me at his house his mom was working late and it would just be him and his father home. I would go over after finishing my school work play Mario Brothers and listen to the radio. We became closer and closer our friends thought we were boyfriend and girlfriend but we never saw our relationship that way. Well, their was the one time around seven years old John kissed me on the check, screamed "I LOVE YOU COREEN," and ran away.

After summer was over John and I began "going out" with each other. We sort of kissed, held hands, and spent every waking moment with each other. John began drinking and smoking pot I didn't because well I was miss goody two shoes. His friends made fun of him and said I was like his mom. I would yell when he smoked too much and drag him out of bed to go to school.

One night when I was over we just hung out watched TV and John walked around with his stupid Iguana on his shoulder. His cousin left and I kissed john. John left the room for a long time so I went to look for him. John was making macaroni and Cheese, brushing his teeth, while wearing a two and a half foot long iguana like a scarf. John put his iguana up and pulled me into the spare room. It was dark and we made out. I liked it. I was so nervous I thought I would puke. I had to go pee and when I came back john kissed me on my forehead and rolled over top of me. I am not going to go into details or anything because everyone knows what rape is. I said "no, I have to go, Let me up," and "you're hurting me." John didn't listen he forced me to have intercourse with him. This was my first sexual encounter.

After that I walked home I really didn't remember all that much of the night until recently. I blanked the rape out and only remembered the sound of the boiling pot, the smell of cigarette smoke, just watching intently the tiny crack in the bedroom door, and hearing the radio.

For eight years after that I cut my body, burnt my own skin with cigarettes, smoked crystal meth, smoked pot, did cocaine, and slept with almost every guy in sight. I lost most of my friends and my personality was toxic. I also dropped out of school. Between the ages of 17 and 21 I have been in emergency psychiatric care 15 times. Everyday, every single day I have a panic attack, feel ashamed, feel depressed, and want to self medicate with drugs and alcohol. Some days it takes all my energy to keep from killing myself. Now things are not as bad as they were and each day does get better. But, I still have a long way before recovering from this betrayal. I loved this guy and he ruined my life knowing what kind of pain his actions would put me through because he too was a victim of sexual assault.