Rape - I'm not a victim I'm a SURVIVOR.

Susan

Susan Survivor's Story: C was a friend of one of my friends. At first, everything was great. He bought me flowers. He opened doors. He treated me like I had never been treated before. He called me everyday on the phone. At first, this was nice. But after a while, he started calling me several times a day and soon I was talking to him all night, every night on the phone. He started to get upset easily at the stupidest things. He would get angry if I didn't want to talk to him one day.

At first, I didn't mind so much. I was young and wanted experience new things that I hadn't done before. I noticed more and more that his temper would flare up at any given moment. He would get mad at me for no reason at all. One day when we were out eating at a restaurant, he got angry with me because my eyes would wander a little if someone walked by. But it wasn't that I was looking at other guys, because I wasn't. He just got angry because I glanced away for 2 seconds, taking attention from him. On another occasion, I told him that I wanted to go home early that night because it had been a long day. He got upset and slapped me across the face. This was the first occasion that he actually struck me. In private, he started to get pushier and pushier with the topic of sex. Every time we met, he wanted sex. But he didn't want it just once in a day, he expected it 5, maybe 6 times in one day. I thanked God everyday that I didn't have to see him everyday, as we were from separate towns. When you have sex so much, you begin to hate doing it at all. I got to the point where I would say no to his requests. But this didn't stop him. He would pull my clothes off and force me to have sex with him. It was painful. Not only would he be really rough and careless, but he would hit me or pull my hair so that I would do what he asked. He also would force me to perform oral sex on him. This was the worst part for me, because I have a sensitive gag reflex. Oral sex would cause me to get sick to my stomach, but he didn't care. He knew what he wanted and he was definitely addicted. Some days I would try to hit him back so that maybe he wouldn't make me have sex again. This would just aggravate him and then he would try to strangle me or pinch me so hard that nasty bruises were left. The rough sex would also cause terrible pain in the vaginal area for days afterward. I would finally begin to feel better when he'd do it again.

The continuous rape I was enduring throughout the relationship was oddly not the worst part of the relationship for me. The worst part for me was that he controlled my life. He controlled who I saw, where I went, who I hung out with, and who I talked to. I grew far, far away from all my friends and my family too. I wanted to spend time with them, but it would take away from time with C, and that would just piss him off and cause him to hurt me more. So I avoided it and met his continuous demands.

I put up with this for 2½ years. I always told myself that I would leave him and get away, but when you're in a situation such as this one, you're more scared of what he'll do if you leave than you are of what he does to you everyday. I told myself that I'd much rather endure the abuse and rapings than to end up with him killing me. He always apologized but really it meant nothing to me.

But the last night I put up with this was Valentine's Day one year. He was living with my parents while I was away at college because he had gotten into some trouble at home and couldn't stay there anymore. I went home to visit him for Valentine's Day. We had a pretty good night but after everybody else in the house went to sleep, he followed me into the bedroom. He started to kiss me which was fine. But then he started to try to take clothes off. I didn't want to do this with everyone else in the house. I refused and told him to knock it off. He got angry and pulled his pants down, and pulled my hair to get me to perform oral sex. Again I refused, even through the pain. I slapped him. He got very angry and put his hands around my neck. He squeezed harder and harder. I started to black out. I couldn't breathe at all and could see nothing but blackness. Miraculously, he stopped for some reason and let go of me. Through this night, I tried to scream a couple of times but no one could hear me. C finally left the room and went to sleep. I got up and looked in the mirror. I had handprints around my neck and all the blood had rushed to my face, so I had dots and bruises all over my face. I lay awake and cried for a couple of hours and finally decided to go wake up my mom and finally tell somebody. My mom didn't seem that surprised. She stayed awake and watched C to make sure he didn't move from where he was sleeping. My mom woke my dad after a while and told him. The next morning my parents made him take his stuff and leave. I later put a restraining order against him so that he couldn't try to reach me anymore. I haven't seen him since.

I am scarred for life however. Little noises bother me. I sleep with lights on some nights and I have nightmares almost every night about it. I thank God that most of the time I don't remember my dreams though. I also have a hard time trusting guys now. I have a really hard time getting to know someone. I've had failed relationship after failed relationship. I had a hard time doing anything sexual with any guy and altogether just stayed away from it. I finally met someone now that I feel comfortable with and that I feel I can trust. I love him too. I haven't had this feeling since C, only I know that this guy won't hurt me in the way that C did everyday. With this guy, I feel that I can be sexual again without getting hurt.

My advice to others in a situation similar to this is to leave and get away from it. No one deserves this treatment. No matter what, the best thing for you is to get away. I didn't turn him in to the police, and I should have to spare others, but at the time I wanted to forget about it and move on with my life.