Rape - I'm not a victim I'm a SURVIVOR.

FJWL

FJWL Survivor's Story: I was fourteen when I met IK and he was sixteen. My first impression of him was that he was confident and exuberant. We were at a wedding bash and every single one pair of eyes were on him, the way he preferred it.

This quickly transgressed into a relationship. I had a very cultural and religious upbringing and I knew what I was doing was wrong, which was why I lied to my parents and told them that I would never see him again.

IK was someone that I adored. he was everything that clichés said a boyfriend should be. Tall, dark and handsome, and he was older than me. Our relationship, after being on and off for a few months became also a sexual one. He was very sexually experienced. I used to think that he really respected me, I was stupid, thinking that just because I said for one week out the month when I didn't want to have sex where we didn't, showed that he really loved me.

From the beginning,in hindsight, IK was really controlling. If, when being a drama loving teenager, I said that I didn't want to speak to him, he would bother me, a stream of stupid texts and calls until I gave in and suited what he wanted.

When our relationship turned sour, I was 15 and I was my happiest. Confident, content and was always smiling. He used to shower me with gifts- jewellery, perfume and even a mobile phone. He even taught me how to ride a bike.

One day, at his house, we had an argument about his family. And I ended saying to him that he would turn out like his father. At this IK hit me and kicked me for the first time.

it was a side of him that I had never seen before. and I was terrified. I was sobbing and I went home, not telling my family the reason. I went to hospital, and kept the bruises hidden.

I changed my mobile number. Shut down my email and facebook etc. I would not leave the house unless I had to go to school. Yet he would still be able to bother me. He would wait for me outside of school or outside my house. And he would ask me why am I having such a hissy fit over one time? At these times he would leave his fingernail marks on me. He couldn't do much because we were in public.

In a way it seems that the reason any of these things happened was due to my stupidity. I told him everything- including how to know when the house was empty.

Around a month later. One day the family were all going away to visit my grandmother, around 100 miles away. They said they would be the whole day, and not to expect them to at least night time. They left and 2 minutes later the door is banged on. Thinking it is my sister having left something behind, I run to open the door, without seeing who it was. My first mistake. When I see him, I try to shut the door but he is stronger and the door bangs my head. And he strided in and shouts at me. Who the fuck do I think I am? I am his girlfriend and I should do whatever the hell he says, and should take whatever he gives me. He is shouting and shouting, and I really begin to panic. I tell him, Leave in five seconds or I will call the police. I say this as I am running up up the stairs and into the loft, my room. And then I hear the door slam, and thinking he is gone I start to relax. I get my mobile out, and about to send a text to a friend when I see him come into my room. Out the window my phone goes and in he goes. He grabs my hair, the hair that he used to call so long and beautiful, and he uses it to drag me to my bed.

I was taught my religious teachers since I was very young, that when you do wrong, and when you are a bad and immoral person, God will humiliate you. God will humiliate you through another human being.

And he does what he does. and when he is finished he gets up, does up his jeans and sneers at me "I dare you to tell anyone", and he is laughing at me.

I become ill. My weight plummets because I am not eating. It is Ramadan- and although I am fasting all day, I do not eat after sunset. I am not sleeping, and keep getting nightmares. and I have cuts and bruises on my face. I am wearing plasters on my neck to cover the places where he bit me and where his teeth marks are. If anyone asked I said that I have a rash.

By the time I start school again after the holidays, my cheeks are hollow, I have spots on my face, I have huge eye bags and am a general picture of depression and poor health. And through all this time, I still manage to keep what happened hidden from my parents. I also begin to take drugs. I will go to lessons in school stoned and off my head. I lose practically all my friends. I am unable to meet new people because he tells that anytime I have sex again, I will be thinking of him the whole time.

At first the reason that I kept it hidden from everyone and especially my parents was because I said that they would blame me and get me married off. But now I realise that the reason, to his day, that I am keeping it a secret because I do not want to be judged.

He was still bothering me. People had begun to realise that there is a man outside of school waiting for me everyday. My confidence is crushed. He bullies me to go into his car almost every time. He tries to control how I dress. How I do my hair. Once we were in a petrol station and he says that I was enticing the man behind the counter. He always calls me a slut, and says anything that happened I deserved or I was asking for it.

At the same time the government releases a campaign for teenagers to warn us about violence and abuse in relationships. He uses it against me saying that if I wasn't so stupid it wouldn't happen.

It takes me several months, around 7, before I admit what is happening to my teacher. Although I am sure that the have already guessed. and before I admit that I need to sort myself out.

And I report the crime to the police. up to this point although I am still sleeping terribly, I at least eat a bit, I try to stop being so withdrawn. I stop contacting those who supplied me. I stay sober. I log onto websites such as these to help me understand what is happening. I feel slightly reassured to know that what I am feeling is normal.

I am sixteen now. It has been just over a year since he did that to me. I hope to move on from the school he knew that I attended and start my A Levels. at this point it has been several months since I have touched anything, any drugs. I have turned to my religion and I feel that it has given me hope. I have realised the mistakes of my past, such as Vilifying my parents, and realised that the reason they did anything was only for my own good.

I now live by following two things blindly My Mother and Faith.

Although I still have trouble with a goods night sleep and have weight issues and huge confidence issues, I am choosing to move on and not see myself as a victim anymore. Although I wont ever forget what has happened to me, rather what he has done to me, I wish to use it as something that will help me in the future rather than hinder me. I can only say one thing to him, which I should thank him for humbling me and nothing else.

I really wish to become a wife and mother after my education and obtaining a degree, but I am scared of the means of achieving this. I have yet to have sex again, and that is a terrifying aspect. But I have realised that maybe all men are not evil.