philophobia | ksj+mb

-30-

"Can I know what it's about?" he asked, barely a whisper. His hand kept brushing my hair. I almost what to ask him how he knows how to do these things, but he's almost engaged. Of course he knew.

"I — it's — it's —" I sighed, desperate. I can't even form coherent words. "Stuff."

Pathetic.

"What kind of stuff?" his voice was still soft, patient. I don't understand how he's so patient.

About you, about my family, about whatever happened after Jaesung's death. Things that don't even exist. Things I shouldn't think about. Things that haunted me for more than 6 years.

"I don't —" I sighed. "I'm sorry."

I hate myself.

Jin pushed himself back, so that he could look at me. He was frowning, his face etched with confusion. "Why are you apologizing?"

"I don't know."

He chuckled, pressing his lips to my forehead. "It's okay. It's gonna be okay."

It's gonna be okay. Everything's going to be okay, right?

I wanted to believe it so bad.

"You know I love you, right?"

"I know," I answered.

"Byul." He stared at me, eyes no longer hooded. It pierced my soul, trying to break the wall I built. But even if he's the strongest man in the world, I don't think he can. I'm too afraid to leave myself open. "Do you trust me?"

If you can't trust him, don't date him.

"Yes."

Liar.

He gave me a small smile, before pressing his lips to mine. His hands circled around me, tracing invisible patterns on my back. And even with clothes on, his fingers burned my skin. I shivered, and it's not from the cold.

I reached up to touch his chest. His heartbeat was quick under my palm. It's nice to know he's equally as nervous as I am. Or is he?

We separated, breathless. I shivered under his gaze. It was burning — almost too hot to look at, but I can't seem to look away. Inside of them, I saw something — something I haven't seen in his eyes. I've picked up hints of it; a flash before he hid it. But I can see it clearly now.

He wants me.

I swallowed, licking my dry lips. His eyes flickered towards it, but it was too quick that if I hadn't been paying attention I would've missed it.

His hand went up to brush away my hair and circled it behind my ear. "Byul..."

I let out a ragged breath. The touch of his fingers sent burns to my skin and I didn't want it to end.

"I love you."

My mouth parted. Was I supposed to reply? What am i supposed to say?

His thumb traced my lips. "May I...?" He swallowed.

I gave him a subtle nod and he kissed me once again.

It was different this time, much less control and much more passion. His lips were sloppy on mine, and his hands couldn't settle for one spot. It traveled everywhere, leaving traces of fire on my skin. The clothes didn't help.

My hands went to his hair, pulling, tugging, doing whatever it wanted. He let out a low groan.

His lips left mine, tracing kisses to the outlines of my jaw. I sighed. His kisses felt like fire, and it left me wanting more.

I love you.

He found a spot on my neck, somewhere under the ear and nipped on the skin. I gasped, clawing his back and pulling on his shirt. I hear another groan, and another bite.

But, do I love him back?

He was on top of me in no time, his wide shoulders framing my smaller one. And I never felt more safe.

Do I love him?

"Jin..." I managed.

He let out something between a growl and a hum.

My heart pounded at my chest, trying to burst out.

Do you love him?

"What is it?" His voice was thick with arousal and low, unlike his usual self.

I do. I do love him.

I breathed. "I love you."

He stopped kissing me and propped himself on both his arms. He stared it me, a look filled with lust and something more.

Love.

He gave me a sloppy smile. "I love you too."

I replied his smile, reaching out to touch his jaw. He's beautiful. There's no other way to define how he looks. He is just simply beautiful.

"Byul," he whispered, breathless, "you know you don't have to force yourself to do this, right? It's okay if you don't want to."

If I don't want to?

I shook my head. "I do."

Do you really?

"Are you sure?"

Don't bother having one if you're not even capable of handling it.

Am I capable?

"Yes."

Liar.

—❦—

kekekekekekek

that's all i'm gonna say. bye kids.

till next wednesday

-w.