Jaded

Thirty Four

THIRTY FOUR

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People talk about what it might be like when they die. They see their funeral and the people mourning them. We have this morbid fascination with death, but no matter how much they imagine it they never get anywhere close to what it's really like. I was never one of those people who never thought about it. I was never worried about it. When we die we die and that's it. It seemed pointless to think about what was after me. But now I know.

Coming home from Lechston was unlike anything I'd ever experienced. I wasn't sure what I had expected. I had just wanted silence-to be left alone for a while. I needed to think, put my life in perspective. But none of this was possible. Instead I was greeted by Brynn and Jasmine. Very hectic and worried Brynn and Jasmine. Jasmine was a lot to handle normally but when she was worried about you it was a million times worse. You couldn't begin to understand.

"Are you alright?" Jasmine cried.

"Your parents told us what happened."

Of course they did. "It's fine."

Both Jasmine and Brynn gaped at me. I knew how stupid what I said was. When someone almost dies you don't just say, "It's fine." What happened to me-what I did-was serious. I didn't expect people just act like nothing happened. I knew better, but nevertheless I wasn't ready to talk about it. I still wasn't exactly sure of what happened myself. I was sorting it out. The whole night was a blur of emotion and scenes that hardly seemed a part of me. But I knew as my friends that Brynn and Jasmine were just worried about me.

"'It's fine?'" Brynn quoted me. She flipped her hair over her shoulder, looking at Jasmine. Her eyes were narrowed and I could swear I saw irritation shimmering over her. "You hear that, Jasmine? It's fine. All that worry and stress it was for nothing. Attempted suicide is nothing, of course." I looked down at my hands. The medical bracelet they'd strapped on me at the hospital was still there, glaring at me. It seemed to weigh heavy on my wrist.

"It wasn't suicide," I mumbled.

"Then what would you call it?"

"It was an accident," I told her.

As much as I wanted to believe this I wasn't so sure. Somewhere deep inside me I wondered if I had meant for it to happen. I wasn't new to using drugs. I knew the ins and outs. I knew that withdrawing from drugs and then taking a lot would trigger an overdose. I had known it as I was cramming them down my throat, but I hadn't stopped. I hadn't forced them up. I wasn't a suicidal person. I wasn't one of those people who has one thing happen to them, and thought death was the only way out. I was a weak person but even I was stronger than that.

Jasmine stepped forward, taking my hand. She looked me in the eye, making sure I didn't look away. "You are my best friend. If you were gone I don't know what I would do. You've been there for me," she told me. "So please listen to me-you have to stop this. If you keep living like this you'll die. You're luck will run out. You were so close to be over it. I know you're scared and not sure where to go from here, but you can't run from it, Spencer. You've got to be willing to take a chance."

"What she means is stop being stupid!" Brynn cut in. We both glanced over at her. She had her hands on her hips. "You were there to kick my ass when I was acting stupid, and we're returning the favor. So cut the shit." That was Brynn-eloquent as ever. I guess I didn't have much room to talk. I was just as blunt as she was, and I definitely didn't bother using pretty words. I blew out my breath, brushing my hair out of my face. It didn't matter how she said it though. They were right. If I ever wanted to get anywhere I had to stop running from everything.

My stomach turned with anxiety. What I had done to Parker was wrong. So wrong. I wasn't even sure where to start. I had to make it right again. I just wish I knew how. Saying it was easier than doing it. I was consumed with my thoughts as I hugged Brynn and Jasmine. They stayed a while longer, but eventually departed. Once they did I made my way back to my room, falling back onto my bed. I was still weak from my overdose, and it didn't take long for me to fall asleep.

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"How do you see yourself, Spencer?"

I picked at my jeans, pulling at the threads. I was uncomfortable. I didn't much want to be there, but I didn't have much of a choice. When we had arrived back in Riverview my parents had asked me to attend a therapy session at least once a week. They weren't worried that I would attempt suicide again, but they still wanted me to go. They wanted me to work out the stuff going on inside my head. I was slowly doing it myself, but they thought talking to someone might help.

I looked up, looking at Carla. Carla Moore was the definition of content. She was a professional optimist. There was never an off day for Carla like there was for everyone else. When she walked into a room she wanted everyone to be little rays of sunshine-or else. Just kidding, of course, she probably wouldn't kill you. Although, I wouldn't put it passed her. She can be awfully clever when she puts her mind to it. "I guess I see myself like everyone else does," I said lamely. I really didn't know what to tell her.

She crossed her legs, resting the clipboard on one knee. She was wearing a yellow dress with little daisies all over it. It hurt to look at. It was too bright. She always dressed like this thought. Her outfits reflected her personality. Her room reflected her too. It had light blue wallpaper and lots of flowery feel good furniture. Personally, I thought it was tacky. It reminded me of the sixties and seventies era. Plus, this much floral decor couldn't be healthy. It seemed suspicious to me. "Think deep, Spencer."

I dug deeper. I really did want to do this for my parents. We were fixing things. I could at least try with this. "I guess I see myself lost," I said quietly. I looked back down at my jeans. "I feel like I'm not worth anything-to anyone or anything. I started to think I was but... Nevermind." I lapsed back into silence. I didn't know what to say or how to explain to her the thoughts running through my head. She tapped her pen on her clipboard.

"Yes? Go on," she said.

"There is nothing else."

"I think I know you're problem," she told me. I sunk down in the flowery couch, the cushions wrapping around me like a hug. Everything was like her. This place was so damn depressing. It was counteractive in my mind. I wish I was somewhere else. I laid my head in my hands. "You don't think your worthy anything, and because of that other people won't either. Eventually, your attitude will influence those around you. You need to work on how you see yourself before you can ever have any real relationship."

I propped my feet on the coffee table, making a point to stretch myself out. For a second I thought about laughing. What she said seemed so ridiculous to me, but then I stopped. Maybe it wasn't so crazy. How could I love anyone when I couldn't even love myself? I told myself I was being noble and-for once not selfish. But I realize now that, that wasn't the case. I only thought I wasn't worth it, but who was I to make that choice for anyone else. I was tired of pushing everyone away.

She folded her hands in her lap, looking peaceful. She beamed at me, so pristine and composed. There was nothing out of control about her. "Think about what I've said," she told me. "And as far as your next appointment...I think that you are making progress. You aren't closing up inside yourself. So here is what I propose. If you feel you need to talk again call me. Otherwise, I will not schedule another appointment."

I fell back against the couch. I needed to reevaluate. My parents had been right about sending me here. I could think things out on my own, but I would go around and around in circles. When I reached the end I was confused and came to a decision I wasn't sure how I got at. It was no real way to think. This had helped me. I had only been to her a few times in the last month, but I felt better. I felt like I was slowly building stuff back up in my mind, repairing myself. I was fixing the issues that had long been there. But there was still one thing I had to fix.

* * * AUTHOR'S NOTE * * *

One more to go after this! :)