Jaded

Twenty Two

TWENTY TWO

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I paced the floor-back and forth, back and forth.

Somewhere in the background I could hear the sound of the television. I couldn't make out words or even noises. Just garbled sound-distorted, unclear. I wondered if mom was home or dad. Neither of them were around much anymore. I chewed on my nails. Back and forth, back and forth. I raked a hand through my hair carelessly. Why was the the television so goddamn loud? I whipped my head around, staring down the stairs and into the living room. My fingers were curved into my palm, cutting deep. I inhaled through my nose. Deep breaths. Deep breaths.

I let it out.

The sound of the air rushing through the room pulled me back into focus. I stalked over to the window, shoving it open to let the cool air blow in. The air was a sharp contrast to my flushed skin. I wiped a hand across my forehead, coming away with sweat. I knew what this was. I would be lying if I said I didn't. I knew from the start that I would feel this. I took in another deep breath, trying to push back my anxiety. As my thoughts cleared I felt a moment of relief. I could relax.

I climbed out onto the roof, shutting the window behind me. It was like the world was closed off suddenly. The sound of the televison vanished, leaving me in the silence I so craved. It did very little for my hectic thoughts. They came rushing back with a venegence. They were mostly nonsense. Paint, school, marijuana, sleep, Parker, cocaine, Vicodin, food. It was a clash of a million things. I pushed them away but one remained-Parker. Where was he? What was he doing? The thoughts rushed into me and I couldn't stop them. I wished he was here. He could talk to me, tell me I could stay strong. Make it so I wasn't alone.

I sighed, jerking the window back open.

I hopped down onto the floor. I grabbed up my phone, quickly typing in a number. I brought the phone to my ear-ring, ring, ring."Hello?" The word was drawn out as if it was a question. I would recognize that voice anywhere. I swallowed. For a brief second I considered hanging up. Why was I calling him? I couldn't just expect him to drop everything. I couldn't expect him to make this his problem. He had already dealt with this once before. I wasn't even his family. I pushed my hair out of my face, shoving away my fear. I just had to say something, anything.

"Parker?" Lame.

"Spencer?" Both lame.

"How are you?"

My eyes slid closed and I held my breath. I wanted to punch myself for being so stupid. Why couldn't I just talk to him? It wasn't like I never had before. I didn't like this anxiety. My heart was racing and I felt like I could pass out at anytime. On the other end I heard Parker laugh. It was light and breathy. "I-I'm fine. How are you?" he asked me in return. I heard sound on his end like he was moving around. I wondered what he was doing. Had he been sleeping? "Do you know what time it is?" His question took my by surprise. I glanced up at my clock, noticing it for the first time. I instantly felt like an idiot. It was one in the morning. "Why aren't you sleeping?"

"I couldn't," I said lamely.

"Oh. I'm sorry." Silence.

I could almost hear what he was thinking. He knew why I couldn't sleep. It was unspoken but he knew. I fell into the silence too. "Spencer," he started. His voice was soft, gentle. It was like a caress and I wanted to sink into it, relax. I was so restless. I wanted it to end and maybe-maybe if he was here or we were someone it would. "Do you want to come over here? Or me come to you?" I felt my heart speed up. I didn't know if it was from his words or from withdrawl.

I picked at the blanket on my bed, thinking. I wanted to be around him. I needed to be around him. I ran a hand through my hair again, taking a deep breath. I contemplated driving all the way to Browning. My stomach was already turning and I didn't think I could make it. "Can you come here?" I asked just as softly. My voice sounded broke, pathetic. I closed my eyes thinking that maybe I could just disappear. If only it was that simple.

"I'll be there in a second."

He hung up. I pressed the button, dropping my phone onto my nightstand. I sat in silence, staring out the window. My mind was nowhere. I was just staring at space. Eventually I hear the sound of my door opening. I slowly looked over to see Parker stepping into my room. It was then I realized I hadn't even went down to let him in, or heard him at all. I ran a hand down my face. "How'd you know this was my room?" I asked him. He crossed the room a light smile playing on his lips. He dropped down beside me.

"It was the only light on," he said.

Of course. No one else was awake.

We slipped into silence. When I looked up I found Parker watching me. His gold eyes ran over me, examining every part. I knew how I must look right now. How could he even stand to look at me? I was a mess. He leaned forward, lightly brushing his finger across my cheek as he tucked my hair behind my ear. "I should have been here earlier. You shouldn't be dealing with this alone," he told me. I felt my heart seize up.

He felt bad? I didn't understand. None of this was his fault. This entire thing-my life-had all been exactly what I had made it. It was no ones fault but my own. I could have always changed it. Could have said no from the beginning, but I didn't. It was my fault. I grabbed his hand, pulling it away from my face but not releasing it. "You didn't have to do anything, Parker. I'm not your responsibility. I'm an adult," I said. My voice was hard. Angry. Bitter. I wanted to take the words back but I wanted him to understand. None of it was his fault. He had to know that.

I released his hand, shifting on the bed. As I went to turn away from him he pulled me back. I stared up at him startled. "I know that, but I want to," he insisted. He sounded so sure. So damned sure. He also sounded passionate. I felt like I would cry. I never cried. If it had been another time I wouldn't have cared. I would have been like stone. I could have looked him in the eye and felt nothing. His words would have slipped away-away from me. But now everything was different. Everything was clear or starting to get clearer. Everything was changing. "I wanted to help you." I took a deep breath, trying to hold back tears. No one had ever wanted to do anything for me. No one had ever cared.

"Parker, I-"

Oh fuck.

I leaped off the bed, running into my bathroom. I was on my knees in a matter of seconds, and what came next took even less than that. I puked and puked and puked. Wave after wave until there was nothing left. Then there was heaves. I wrapped myself around the toilet, squeezing my eyes shut. I was definitely crying now. I knew this sickness was bound to get me but I had still hoped that maybe it wouldn't. There was only one constant, one thing that kept me grounded throughout the entire night-Parker. He held my hair and wrapped his arm around me, saying nothing. That was probably the best part-that he said nothing.

At some point the heaving stopped, leaving me exhausted. Bare and exhausted. I felt like I had just been stripped. I was naked and he was seeing it all, witnessing exactly who I was. I peeled myself off the ground, stumbling into the bedroom. Parker held my elbow, steadying me and then he was leading me to the bed. I dropped down onto it. It wrapped around me like a hug, an embrace. And then I felt the bed shift as Parker laid down as well. The room was dark but I knew he was there, felt his arms snake around me. He pulled me close and I wrapped myself around him thoughtlessly. And then I slept.

* * * AUTHOR'S NOTE * * *

So ACT is done, at least for this month. I need to get on for the next one but I'll worry abou that later. :) I'm just glad that I survived this one! I think I did okay, but I have been wrong before. Also a positive of my week was that I have gotten accepted to three college so far. The one, Mizzou, I was really worried about but my worry was for nothing! I got two huge scholarships for my other two which basically cuts the price in half and not even counting my other grants and money I'll get. So less stress there!

On a none school related note I went to this party this weekend and remembered why I never go to parties. Weird people and crazy people. A creepy older dude got weird with me and then there was a fight. A terrifying fight! I instantly got the hell out of there. :)

Hope you enjoy this chapter! Things are looking up. :) Comment/ vote!