Jaded

Twenty Three

TWENTY THREE

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Light danced in through the window and across my floor. Pale gold. I watched it as it made it poured across my carpet. It flashed, blinding me. I wanted to close out the light—extinguish it. Instead I rolled over, slowly, pulling the blanket with me. I stared at the wall. White. Everything was white. It had been a couple days since the last time I had seen Parker, when he had stayed with me. It had been even more days since the last time I had a fix. I thought about it but only briefly. Everything was fleeting. Everything slipped away like sand through my fingers. I couldn't force the effort to care.

Pain rolled through my head, knocking me back. I squeezed my eyes shut, willing it to go away. This had also been happening. These headaches. I had never felt anything more intense. It consumed everything. I gripped my head, feeling tears coming to my eyes. It was like my head was being split in two and no matter what happened it wouldn't leave. I took a deep breath, trying to push it away using my will. In and out in and out.

"Spencer!" my mother called.

I didn't answer. I couldn't.

"Going to the Country Club!"

I waited and then the sound of the door as it closed echoed up to me. She was gone. Dad was gone. I was alone. I felt a sob rise up inside me. It came from nowhere. It fell out of me, rushing into the room. More sobs. I curled into myself as my body was racked with sob after sob. I was scared. I didn't know what was wrong with me. I hated this feeling. I pulled myself out of my haze, trying to sit up. I had to end it. Anything. Anything would be better than this torment. I tried to reach for my nightstand, open the drawer but my energy was low. I fumbled for a second before dropping back onto the bed, crying.

This had been happening for days now. Once the sickness had passed this, this feeling had taken up its place. I felt so dark, desolate. I didn't feel like this. Wasn't supposed to. This was the kind of feeling I always wanted to avoid. I wasn't used to this. I hadn't felt anything genuine in so long and now that I felt it again—it was too much. I knew that if I could muster the strength I would end it. I was ashamed. I wanted to be stronger, think that I could struggle through this but I couldn't. I had been sick before. That I could deal with, but this feeling—I just couldn't. I couldn't be alone but that was all I wanted to do.

My phone started ringing.

I didn't answer. I hadn't been for the last few days. Parker hadn't wanted to leave but I had convinced him that I would be fine. He promised me he would be by again to check on me. Since then I wouldn't take his calls or answer his text. I pulled my blanket closer around me as my phone buzzed and buzzed on my nightstand. I closed my eyes, willing myself to sleep. It was all I seemed to do. I slept, cried, and stared. I couldn't do much more than that. I breathed in, feeling sleep settle over me. I enjoyed sleeping. It kept my mind empty and this feeling away. It was the only escape. It was easy.

And then I slipped into darkness.

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"Spencer," a voice called.

I felt myself rise up out of the haze. Layer after layer until I was surfacing. I blinked my eyes open. They met with darkness. For a second I thought I was still sleeping but then I felt a hand in my hair, caressing it. I blinked again, trying to adjust my eyes. Finally, they did. Parker was looking down at me a concerned look on his face. "W-w-what are you doing here?" I croaked. I hadn't talked in days and my voice was scratchy from lack of use.

"I said I would check on you, didn't I? From the looks of it I should have come sooner," he said to me. His voice was filled with concern. I felt bad for causing him so much worry. I frowned, feeling a twinge. Don't cry. Don't cry. Don't cry. I repeated this to myself again and again, hoping that those two words could save me. Parker leaned in closer, gripping my hand in his. "Have you been here the whole time, Spencer? It doesn't look like you've moved since I left. You need to get out. This isn't healthy. You can't work through anything by sitting alone."