Jaded

Thirty

THIRTY

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My phone buzzed probably for the tenth time that day. It had been like that since I left Parker. I glanced down at the text, my eyes running over the lines. My finger hovered over the screen of my phone, deliberating. And then I deleted it. I wanted to. I wanted to answer it so bad, I itched to. I dropped my phone back down beside me, staring out the window. I watched the snow fall. I felt desolate. I felt lost.

I had been avoiding him since I had woke up next to him the other day. Everything was falling all at once, like the snow and it was gathering. Gathering until it was becoming too much—Parker's words, my parent's words. Everything. It was too much. The reality was overwhelming. I needed to be away from it. I was afraid. I was so afraid if I was near him that I might tumble and fall with him. And that would lead only to pain. People like him and people like me didn't work out. He would wake up and realize that I wasn't enough and I couldn't handle that. I had to get out.

My parents had been right. It was best to cut it off now before it progressed. It would be less pain for him and me. It already hurt. This way I  could stomp it out and put space between us all at once. I would be leaving with my parents to Lechston soon. We were heading to my grandparents home in the city. It would be good. It would put distance between us. Well needed distance. I just wished it didn't feel bad. The pain was more than I thought it would be.

I knew what it was.

The realization was one of the hardest I had ever come to. I think I always knew it but I just didn't want to recognize it. I had felt it that night with him and waking up with him... it had been like nothing I had ever felt. I would keep those memories close to me but that was all it could be. I loved him. I loved him and because of that I had to stop it. I had always heard those famous words, "if you loved something set it free" but I had never thought I would be one of those people. I wasn't noble. I wasn't selfless. I took. I took everything. But just this once I wouldn't.

Maybe it was because I was scared. Maybe that was it. I didn't know. But whatever it was it allowed me to see things clearly. For once I was none of those things people had always known me as. And it was all because of him. I never would have thought it was possible. If I had seen me today months ago I would have laughed. I would have said it was a lie. But Parker had opened my eyes. He had helped me fix all the things I thought I couldn't. So I did the one thing he couldn't do.

I set him free.

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I sat on Brynn's futon, picking at her blanket. I wasn't sure why I had come here. I think I just wanted to be away from home. I couldn't stand to be stuck inside one more second. It was killing me. I was left alone to my thoughts. I would go over every painful memory. It was an endless cycle. So I had made my way to Brynn's, hoping to distract myself if even for a little. It was proving to be not so helpful though.

"A little dreary in here, wouldn't you say?"

I nodded. "I guess so."

"Some music would lighten it up," she said.

She jumped off the bed, moving to her night stand. She picked up her ipod, flicking through the music. She selected a song, turning the volume all the way up. I watched as she moved her hips, dancing back over to the bed. She threw herself back down, grabbing a bottle of nail polish as she did. Bright orange. That was just like her. She shook the bottle, unscrewing it. "So," she drawled, dragging my attention back to her. "You're kind of depressing today. So not like you."

I shrugged. I didn't know what to say and I didn't much feel like talking. I knew I was bad company but I couldn't help it. Brynn's eyes narrowed. She let out a long angry sign. She was clearly exasperated. She closed the nail polish, putting it aside. "I'm not stupid, Spencer. I can tell something is up. So just tell me. I know you want to talk about it," she said with a smile. Even her upbeat mood wasn't enough to pull me out of my funk.

"It's nothing," I said.

"Spener, come one."

I sighed, leaning against the wall. I ran a hand through my hair. I knew she wouldn't let it be until I spilled. And some part of me felt like telling her. "I've just been thinking a lot lately. Something happened with Parker," I said. I relayed to her what had happened after the party and with my parents the next day. Her eyes widened as my story went on. As I reached my parents her expression darknened. "It got me to thinking maybe they're right. It could just be hurting him—us—if I keep it going the way it is. You know as well as I do that nothing can happen."

"Why not?" she asked.

"You know exactly why!"

Brynn sighed, making a face at me. Brynn was never shy about hurting anyone's feelings. "Spencer, I remember us having a similar talk once. I was being stupid and you told me how it was. It's my turn now! I'm telling you how stupid you're being!" she said with a wave of her hand. She always talked with her hands, especially when she was passionate about something. "Parker is the best thing for you. You're scared! I can see it. You've never dealt with anything like this before. I was the same way. It's scary but listen to me if you push through this it will be worth it."

I dropped my head in my hands. I didn't want to hear this. What she was saying made since. I remembered talking to her almost exactly how she was speaking to me now. But she was wrong. I wasn't scared. I was doing what was best for him. For once my parents had been right. I needed to focus on the future and so did Parker. He had so much potential. I couldn't get in the way of that. I stood up suddenly. I needed to get out of here. I hurried down the stairs and out of her house. I could hear Brynn calling my name but I was too far away.

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I slammed the door to the house. It was a fool's hope to think I would come home to an empty house. For once my parents were home and I couldn't be more depressed about that fact. I remembered a time I had wished—hoped—that they would be home. I was tired of being alone. I thought that if they were around it would fix everything. I knew that was a stupid thing now. Now I wanted nothing more than to be alone. I wanted the silence. Their prescence only seemed to rub what they had said in my face. Dirt in the wound.

"Spencer!" mom called.

"Yes?" I answered her.

I closed my eyes, leaning against the door. I took a series of deep breaths, trying to calm myself. Finally, I pushed away from the door and started into the kitchen. I found them in the living room. It almost felt staged. "We were waiting for you to ge home. We wanted to head out tonight. You father wants to spend extra time in Lechston," mom said with a smile. She threw dad a look and I couldn't help but wonder why they were so happy. They never got along so well. It must be the holidays. "You know how he is with his mother." Her laugh rang out across the room and I winced at the sound of it.

Dad laughed.Mom laughed.

Everyone laughed, but me.

I was miles away. I couldn't come back now even if I wanted to. I could hear them talking somewhere in the distance but I wasn't listening. I didn't care. My eyes were on my phone. I had a new message from Parker. The words on the screen cut me. Please. That was all it said. No harsh words. Even now he couldn't be like every other person I knew. The urge to run to him rose up in me so strong that for a second I almost did. But then I choked it down. Deleted the messaged and went upstairs to pack.

* * * AUTHOR'S NOTE * * *

We've reached the peak now here comes the fall. :)

We are getting close now. I have a handful of chapters and then we'll be closing Jaded out. It's funny to think that we'll be closing this out soon.

Well anyway, I hope you enjoyed the chapter!