Jaded

Ten

TEN

_______________________________

I lounged on the couch, my eyes half lidded and my breathing shallow. Everything seemed to move slow around me but then it would move so fast I could hardly keep up. I was in and out, hearing bits and pieces of the conversation around me. I was zoning out when I was jolted. I looked over to find Tony giving me a look. He gestured at me. “You goin’ to get that?” he asked me. It was at that moment that I realized my phone was ringing. I dug it out of my purse, reading the screen. I felt my stomach plummet, raising it to my ear.

“Hey, mom,” I called out.”

“Where are you at, Spencer?”

“Just around,” I said vaguely.

I heard her intake of breath. I knew she was exasperated but I really couldn’t care at that moment. Or at least I told myself that. Finally, after what felt like forever she began to speak again. “I won’t ask but one more time, Spencer. Where are you?” she asked. Her voice was edged and I knew she was barely managing to maintain her patience. “I knew you haven’t been at school in days. We got a call this morning. Even Jasmine says she hasn’t seen you in days. This is your last year couldn’t you at least try? How will this look on applications?”

I felt myself sinking lower. I had thought for a second that maybe she was concerned. That maybe she was scared I’d be dead somewhere. That was such a joke. I knew she would say this. She wasn’t concerned about me. She was concerned about my education. It was always about academics and being the top of the class. It was never about what I wanted. “You’re motherly concern is humbling. I don’t know how I came up so good with you as my mother,” I snarled. I shoved myself off the couch, grabbing my bag off the floor as I did. I didn’t even bother telling the guys goodbye. They didn’t care and it wasn’t like we were best friends or anything. I pushed the door open, stepping out into the cool night air.

“Don’t act self-righ—”

“Don’t tell me what to do.”

“I am your mother.”

I shoved my hair out of my face chuckling darkly. I pulled open my car door, sliding in. “How convenient that you chose to remember that now,” I said drily. I slammed the car into drive. “You won’t have to worry about it anymore.” With that I pressed the end button. I threw my phone into my purse and then gunned it down the street. I knew I shouldn’t be driving. I was high and I was mad on top of that, but I didn’t care. If I did wreck maybe it wouldn’t be so bad.

I tried to think back sometimes if my mother and I were ever close. I wanted to say that we were but I couldn’t remember. Everything seemed so fuzzy to me. There were times I thought she was there for me in her own way but then I’d realize that she wasn’t. Everything in her life was driven by some selfish reason. She didn’t leave dad because it would make her look bad. She didn’t make me go to rehab because she didn’t want anyone to know. It was all about her and her image. She had to be this perfect person.

I rounded a corner, hearing my tires peel as I went. I dug in my purse, searching for my lighter. I finally found it, slipping a cigarette between my lips. I flicked my lighter—nothing. I tried again. “Goddamnit,” I mumbled to myself. I flicked it rapidly until it finally lit. I inhaled. I looked back up at the road to find a dog in the middle of the road. I knew it was stupid even as I reacted but I couldn’t stop it—I jerked the wheel. I flew off the road, running through grass for a second before almost slamming right into a tree. I swerved again only to lodge my car into a stump. I flew forward, hitting the wheel and then everything went silent. I peeled myself off the wheel, wincing at the pain running through my body. Yeah, that was going to hurt in the morning. I raked a hand through my hair, casting a look around.