Hold Me While You Wait

36|this somewhat endlessness

this somewhat endlessness

At the end, it was one of those times again. It happened differently for everybody, moving places and changing routines. For Elisabeth Collins it was accompanied by a feeling of loss.

Because in the jist of the busy city, Elis couldn't picture the little town anymore. And very soon, summer would turn into autumn as well, taking along with, the memories of it, like the summer was a time that never happened at all. But Elis wished for everything at that time. For all the seasons to carry a little summer along, if it only meant that she would live everyday with a memory of Gray. Or a piece of their love, which was the only thing that could make her feel sane at that point.

But no matter how many nights Elis would spend going to bed thinking of nothing but the ginger girl, no matter how many times Elis walked into the balcony hoping it would transform into the one outside her childhood bedroom, she'd only be accompanied by the reality of change. That summer was gone and Gray was gone. That their love wasn't their love no more, though it was impossible to fall out of it.

And the peacefulness of the morning in the lake house was replaced by that of the busy streets and traffic jams. Everything else had changed, but still she remained in denial.

And as Elis was seated in her bedroom on that cloudy day, everything looked plain and untouched, like living in a hotel room of sorts. It was a shamefully blank canvas, as compared to the many memories filling her childhood bedroom in the lake house.

And that was when Mrs Collins walked in. Unlike her daughter, the older woman had been optimistic about coming back to the city and resuming work, excited of the fact that Elis too, would start college in a short while.

The curly haired girl was sitting on a chair in the corner of the room, earphones plugged in that she didn't hear the entrance of her mother, and was only aware when the older woman tapped her shoulder.

"Mom," the curly haired girl gasped, taking her the earphones off with a frightened look. "You scared me."

"I'm sorry," Mrs Collins smiled, that Elis became jealous of her abilities in adjusting well. Even after the tragedy of Bryson's death, her parents seemed as though they suffered less. It was something she wished to have inherited as well. "I wanted to know how you're doing," Mrs Collins said. And Elis pursed her lips, seating back in the chair with a long sigh. "Fine...I guess."

"You sure?" The older woman asked. And as Elis spared her a look, it was in that exact moment, that she couldn't hold it in anymore. It started by lone tears falling down her face, but soon sobs followed whenever she tried to speak. Empathetically, Mrs Collins stood next to her daughter, wrapping her arms around Elis's shaky shoulders, and slowly rubbing circles on her back.

But Elis was tired of pretending. She was tired of not fully speaking about her feelings and emotions in a way that she wished. And as the curly haired girl cried, her front had dissipated, that she fully acknowledged the hole digging itself inside of her chest.

"I know you miss her," Mrs Collins said, which immediately raised Elis's head as she looked at her mother in shock.

"You...W-what?"

"I know that you and Gray fell in love," the older woman sat Elis down, taking her daughter's hands in hers.

And Elis was astounded of her mother's confession, her heart beating ten times faster as she listened. "How? Did... Did she tell you?"

"No," Mrs Collins shook her head. "I don't think anybody could look at the both of you together, and not see the kind of love you that have."

Elis exhaled, tears still running down her face as she acknowledged the familiar warmth that accompanied her mother's words.

"It was truly beautiful watching it happen. And I could only ever be a spectator of it. Your kind of love with her is truly unique... and it brought me back to my younger years..."

"Your younger years?" Elis asked, breathing with the pain.

"Yes. I loved a girl once... Her name was Judy. We shared many classes together and I was so in love with her it was unbearable. I never acted on that love though. Firstly because I didn't have the courage to, but also because I didn't have the freedom to. Times were very different back then compared to how they are now. And now, it's a beautiful thing how everyone's free to love whoever they wanna love, and be whoever they wanna be. And Elis, it makes me very happy seeing it happen with you and Gray." The older woman exhaled, beginning to rub soothing circles at the back of Elis's hands.

"Even if this love you have with her doesn't live on long, even if it fades away with time, I am sure that you will never forget her, just as she will never forget you too. And I promise to you that you will find somebody else to love, the same way that I've found your father too."

"No," the curly haired girl shook her head. "I don't--- I don't want to lose her. I can't lose her."

"I know you wish nothing than to have forever with her, but Gray... She's still very young. And I'm pretty sure that this love, just like you, was very new to her as well. The difference is that you have more experiences than she does. She still has to find her feet, acknowledge who she wants to be and know what she identifies as. You see, she has to be given that opportunity to live, to fall in love and fall out of it, to make mistakes and learn from them. And in the end, if the two of you were truly meant to be, then you'll find each other again. But for now, we'll call it a continuation rather than an end, because then it would break our hearts."

And as Mrs Collins spoke, it was a painful realization to Elis, a deeper one that, even when she was in denial of it, made a little more sense. She knew it would be selfish of her to want Gray all to herself, to love her and wish for them to spend every moment of their lives together. And maybe both girls would find other lives outside of the one they had, new possibilities to explore.

But maybe at the end of the road, both girls would find each other again.

A lot of possibilities remained, but until then, even stars wouldn't forget their love.