Hold Me While You Wait

31|been myself for the last time

been myself for the last time

It was one of those mornings that just dragged Elis out of her bed, for once needing not to be awaken by the call of her mother. The sun was just about to move up the horizon when Elis stepped out into the balcony, being welcomed by the morning breeze. It was a time that everything in her felt still and quiet as she stood gazing at the early morning, which was entirely calming as trees in the backyard swayed in all directions of the wind, creating patterns even more exquisite in their sounds.

Elis spent longer than an hour on the balcony, gazing at the rising sun, reflecting the ease to which it moved closely to what she wished to be her life -- easy.

And that was when the feeling ignited itself again. Elis wished, entirely, for everything to break free from the complications she felt they were. She wished that she didn't have to make any decisions at all, that she didn't, even for an instance, get to feel sad anymore. But the world was too complex to let her have it that simple, too difficult to let her have it that easy. Or so with letting her have everything she wished, and the world's cruelty proved itself just so sufficiently when it took her brother away.

But for the long time that Elis spent that early morning fighting with contradicting thoughts and contrasting feelings, a lot of time seemed to pass, and soon the sounds of the trees were replaced by the creaking noises of the wooden floor in the lake house, and soon her mother calling her downstairs for breakfast.

Everyday activities would go along with ease, just the way they were supposed to, like the gentle smiles on her parents' faces. Both Mr and Mrs Collins have managed to move on without fail, to live without questioning the happenings of the world, even when those questions had everything to do with why their one and only son would be taken away from them. But that was what Elis wished to do as well, to be able to see the future without constantly reverting back to the past. To face her woesans her demons that kept challenging her strengths.

And it was when she sat on the table in the dining room that she wished everything would go on without the pain she oftentimes had to face. The curly haired girl was tired of always trying to completely move through that inevitable sadness. And she's been doing so for such a long time that it felt like it was what her life mission became. The curly haired girl became a soldier against her own emotions, that which would constantly win the battle.

But what goodness would the world have to give if she hadn't agreed to come back to the lake house?

The love she's found was the epitome of the only joy submerging from her sorrows, and it was that part that Elis would carry with her for as long as time lived on. For as time allowed her to.

Even when pain felt like a continuous cycle, like the evolution of her melancholy, a stained bandage from a bleeding wound, still Elis would feel the enormous love for Gray.

But Elis's thoughts didn't quite track down when she sat around the table with her parents, fixing a smile on her face in a morning she felt anything but okay.

"So yesterday I was cleaning the storeroom and you'll never believe what I came across," Mrs Collins chirped around the dining table, making Elis raise her head to glance at the excitement on her mother's face.

"Remember the Rhodes Painting Competition you entered once Elis? I found those portraits in the storeroom... And as I was looking at them...and thinking of Bryson's room as well... Something very smart came to mind. Honestly I can't even fathom how I never thought of it before."

Elis's body tensed as she gazed at her mother with a questioning look. Something told her that she wasn't going to like her mother's idea very well, now that she was suddenly thinking of Bryson's room having spent numerous amount of years pretending that he didn't exist at all.

"So this is my idea," Mrs Collins started, planting both palms against the table as she looked at Elis. "We're going back to the city in a few days and seeing as we don't have space for all those portraits over there, I was thinking of repurposing Bryson's room as an art gallery... or something, where I'll hang and put all your paintings from years ago. How does that sound that? Pretty smart huh?" 

Mrs Collins was immaculately fond of her idea, thinking that Elis would be delighted to hear it too, but was soon set to realise that it wasn't the case.

In fact, Elis felt so much antagonism in that moment. It was the fact that Mrs Collins even considered the single thought of wiping away what was left of Bryson's physical memories that aggravated her. It brought back joy just the other day when Elis walked inside the room, when she once again touched his bed, his clothes, his belongings. And it was that time when Elis wished for that part of him to live on forever.

"I don't care about the paintings, mom," the curly haired girl contradicted, losing interest in her breakfast. "I put them in the storeroom because I never wanted to see them again."

"But think about it, Elis," Mrs Collins countered, a serious look crossing her face. She was very supportive of her daughter all the time, but wasn't too fond of the jet black heart Elis has instilled inside of her ever since Bryson died. In fact, she wished it would just go away. That she'd have her daughter back, which was the biggest part to make the older woman sentimental.

"I need you to understand that I won't do anything that you don't like, but that room can be changed for something that will bring a little extra joy to all of us," Mrs Collins continued, her soft voice rising and her kind smile disappearing. "Your father and I, we love those portraits. And sometimes it's not only about how you feel about them, everything affects all of us to the end of the day. Bryson is not coming back, Elis. And I'm sure even he isn't delighted by how much you've locked yourself up in the past. You need to look more into the future. Everyone wants you to be happy...Everyone... And it's time for you to want the same for yourself too."

Mrs Collins left the dining table with those words, and Elis was afraid she's hurt her by opposing the idea of changing Bryson's room. But that was what Elis wanted too. She felt tired by constantly trying to prove to people that she was trying, that she wanted to completely move on and not be afraid of living in a world fully understood for Bryson to not be a part of. And she almost has it, because the curly haired girl felt incredibly happy when she was with Gray.

It was the part that led her hold on a little more, hope a little more. But completely tearing down Bryson's memories to the point that it felt as though he never existed at all, that was the part Elis wasn't sure of how she'd ever survive.