Toil and Trouble and Bad Decisions [The Misadventures of Theodosius - Book III]

Chapter 2

THEODOSIUS HAD SUFFERED.

Ever since the untimely demise of his beloved wife, he had drifted through his days, surviving rather than truly living as he searched for a way to bring her back. His life had ended abruptly when he was eaten to death by Bihatra, the demoness whose infernal aid had enabled him to win Tansy's affections in the first place. After sixteen years in a purgatorial queue, he had struck a deal with the Devil himself to restore Tansy to life in exchange for a brief stint as a spiritual bounty hunter.

If you, Dear Reader, would be so bold as to ask our wizened sorceror-cum-necromancer if he had had a good life, he would have snorted and then broken down into tears, and Theo is not a pretty crier. He redefines "ugly cry."

Before Tansy's death? Yes, Theo had lived a good life. Very good indeed, for a little while.

After?

No, Dear Reader. No, life after Tansy had not been very good at all.

But now, Tansy was coming home, and all Theo's suffering was about to change into delirious bliss.

***

Wait. What?

Oh, Jiminy Christmas. You've got to be kidding me. Give me a minute to check my notes.

This can't be right! The readers are going to be furious!

...Well. Not much I can do about it.

Ahem.

All of Theodosius's suffering was supposed to change into delirious bliss...

...but it didn't.

***

It was a gorgeous spring day at the End of the World. Even before Theo opened his eyes, he could smell the vibrance of the world around him: damp soil, green leaves, budding flowers. A cool breeze whisked by him, rustling the grass and kissing his cheeks, and birdsong followed. The sun was warm and its golden glow reached him even through his eyelids. The promise of light opened his eyes without his conscious decision.

There, a short distance away, was the little cottage with its blue-shingled roof. It was both a welcome sight and a disheartening one: after Theo had lost Tansy, he had allowed their homestead to slide for nine years into shameful disrepair. The grounds were overgrown, the vegetable and herb gardens Tansy had tended so lovingly long ago blended back into the wild meadow. The house itself looked like a hiccup in the natural landscape rather than a man-made structure, it was so mossy and green. The roof definitely needed some attention—more attention than the goat currently grazing on it could feasibly supply.

Then again, Theo had queued at the Mouth of Hell for sixteen years, and what he was looking at now was a home that might have gone unkempt for a decade, but which had certainly not gone unkempt for two and a half decades. Maybe Heaven, or Hell, or the unaffiliated Powers That Be had plonked him and his wife back into a time and a space very near to the day he had died.

Theo turned with a slightly embarrassed smile to Tansy. "I really let things go, Tansy. I know it needs some work, but—"

He blinked and stared, his words failing him. Tansy stood a couple of yards away from him. She was looking down at her hands, her brow wrinkled with confusion. She was just as she had been in Heaven: transparent, ethereal, barely there. She was still dressed in her brilliant white robes.

"Theo?" Tansy asked, a note of panic in her voice.

"Oh," said Theo by way of response, his heart dropping through his diaphragm, his stomach, and his pelvis, right through the space between his flip-flops and into the damp earth.