Toil and Trouble and Bad Decisions [The Misadventures of Theodosius - Book III]

Chapter 14

WHEN GIVEN THE CHOICE, MOST ADVENTURERS PREFER LADDERS OF WOOD TO LADDERS OF CATS. It is a truth universally acknowledged that cats do not appreciate being climbed, whereas wood, whether still in the tree or not, generally does not mind. All in all, Theodosius was fortunate and should have made it easily up to the rooftop.

I explain this, Dear Reader, so that you do not place blame upon the humble wooden ladder when you see how Theo is currently plummeting to his death. No sooner had his fingertips brushed the edge of the rooftop than he had wobbled, wailed, and, well.

Fell.

Though it be but a small consolation under the circumstances, Theodosius's robe flapped most majestically around him as he dropped toward the earth as speedily and amorphously as a bird dropping. As an equally small consolation, consider the fact that his beard has blown up to completely obscure his vision of his impending doom.

"WHY AREN'T YOU HELPING MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE," Theo cried, taking much less initiative in the situation than we would expect of a protagonist.

But instead of hitting the ground and increasing his physical resemblance to the aforementioned bird dropping, Theo instead hit a pair of strong arms which, while not particularly soft, were far preferable to the pavement.

They were long, muscular, charcoal arms, which ended in long, muscular, charcoal fingers, which ended in claws.

"What are you doing here?" Theo whimpered at the same time as Bihatra groaned, "What am I doing here?"

She added, "Wait. What do you mean what am I doing here? Saving your life, apparently. Show a little gratitude."

To be honest, Theo was not convinced that hanging in Bihatra's arms was preferable to leaking innards all over the ground, but he knew that it would be very difficult to complete his quest and give Tansy a body if he were mostly liquefied.

Did you know that was how to spell liquefied? I definitely went for "qui" at first. Then my writing software told me I'd spelled it wrong, and I said, "I absolutely did not spell it wrong."

But I did. It's "que." Huh.

Anyway, Theo said to Bihatra, "Thank you."

Bihatra dropped him and brushed her arms with distaste. She looked around, her tail flicking with irritation. She was wearing a pair of leggings and a cropped top that clung to her svelte figure like...like...a simile I cannot fabricate because I'm distracted by how good she looks. She is fine.

Theo glanced up at her and then cringed away, raising his arm over his eyes as if he'd just looked directly at the sun. "Oh, my goodness, Bihatra, I can see your navel!"

"I was at the gymnasium. One minute, I'm deadlifting sinners and yeeting them into a lake of fire, and the next I'm here. Did you summon me?"

Theo had made that mistake once, many, many years ago. "Absolutely not."

"This is interesting," said a completely unamused voice.

They turned to find Elliott observing from his perch atop a crate of the sort that conveniently populate alleys in fantasy fiction. Theo looked around to see if Tansy was nearby, but her bottle was still standing calmly on the street near the rotting feet of Franklin several yards away.

"You seem to have developed some kind of bond," said the cat. "Theodosius falls to his death, and Bihatra appears out of nowhere to stop him."

"That's impossible," said Bihatra. "Nothing would please me more than watching this waste of a spleen paint himself across the pavement."

"And I—" Theo stopped, looking in horror at Bihatra as what she said fully registered. She met his gaze with flat impatience until he continued, "Um. I, um—I'm not sure I can even die. Again."

"Would you like to find out? The ladder is still here," said Elliott.

"No, thank you."

"It probably has something to do with The Boss," said Bihatra. "He wants this sack of guts, for some reason. First, he sends me to make sure he doesn't die trying to track down that rogue soul. Then, he wants me to play tour guide so you can find Victoria the Badass. It wouldn't surprise me to learn that he worked some magic so that every time Natural Selection tries to prevail, I'm here to interrupt."

"Ah. Natural Selection," Elliott said. "I love her work."

"Anyway," Theo said, "I didn't mean to interrupt your yeeting. I was just trying to get to a higher vantage point so I could see where we are."

"You can't read?" Bihatra pointed a claw at the nearest street sign.

"I can..." Theo took a breath to keep the irritation from slinking into his voice, "...but I need to find Trotter Lane. We learned from a City Health Inspector, who had a badge and everything, that it was the most likely place for us to find a book store, which is the most likely place for us to find Bad Decisions."

"And we neglected to ask the City Health Inspector which direction we should go to find Trotter Lane," Elliott added, making it clear that "we" meant "Theo."

"That is also a true thing," said Theo.

Bihatra sighed. She looked up at the rooftop to which Theo had been trying to ascend. Then she crouched down and leapt up, such a powerful jump that Theo's beard ruffled gently in the wind. When Bihatra's claws sank into the wall, giving her purchase, she was nearly halfway up the building. With several powerful pulls, she had scaled the edifice and leapt nimbly up onto the roof.

"If you urinate in your robes, we are not waiting for you to find a change of clothes," said Elliott. "We have things to do."

"I didn't!" Theo protested. (He had, but not much. He's being very brave.)

A moment later, Bihatra swung off of the roof, her claws latched securely into the shingles. She descended the same way she had gone up: a few strategic moves down the wall, then a leap, ending in her landing lightly on the ground.

"That was impressive," said Elliott.

Bihatra pointed down the street. "Go that way, and turn right. Walk for a few blocks, and when you get to the stone bridge, cut left. Trotter Lane is a dead end alley you'll find on your left after that, along the river."

"Well. Wow. Um." Theo knotted his hands together. "Th...th..."

Elliott looked at Theo, his feline skull's features as immobile as always, but we don't need him to have an expression face to feel the judgment radiating from his empty eye sockets.

"Yes. Whatever. Now, leave me alone. And just to be safe, in case we are linked in some way, try not to try to die again, okay? I'm trying my damnedest to forget that you exist." Bihatra disappeared in a curl of smoke.