Toil and Trouble and Bad Decisions [The Misadventures of Theodosius - Book III]

Chapter 5

SQUIRREL-NUGGETS ARE A DELICACY IN HELL. Stan might have complained that the creature who yielded them had been innocent, but it's not like that was going to stop him. He's the actual devil, guys. C'mon.

"They're burnt," the voice from somewhere on the other side of the campfire complained.

Theo stared at the sacrificial flames. The squirrel had simply disappeared, taken from one realm to another by methods unknown to man. There was nothing left of it now but a nauseating smell of burning fur. "I'm sorry," Theo said. "I didn't realize you'd be eating it."

"Jush rememb' for nexsh time," the campfire replied. Although Theo could not see Stan, he could hear him enjoying the snack: he spoke with his mouth full and punctuated his sentence with a crunch.

"I certainly will." Theo got up. He had to return home so that he could tell Tansy the good news: they had a way forward, a possible path to normalcy at long last. He prepared to douse the flames with a simple incantation...but hesitated, struck by a small hiccup in the plan. "Ah, Stan?"

"Mmhmmpf?"

"I don't suppose you have directions to Victoria the Badass's..." Cottage? House? Castle? Cave? "...place?"

"I keep forgetting that you humans have to get from place to place by moving. You should evolve the ability to bamf. It's far more convenient." The campfire crunched again and chewed loudly for a moment. "I could give you a guide to take you there, but now you are rather overextending my generosity, Theo. I would need to ask for something in exchange."

Well, this had gotten very bad, very quickly. Theo hesitated.

The campfire waited.

"Um..."

"Oh, now, Theo, you aren't scared, are you? Of little old me?"

"...Ah...No...t as much as I probably should be," Theo replied. He was considering how difficult it might be for him to search the entire world for this mysterious Victoria on his own. He was considering how long Tansy could stand being wafty before losing her mind. He was considering how good it would be to really, truly hold her hand. "What would the exchange be?"

"Just to owe me one, that's all."

In a single traumatic flashback, Theodosius replayed the scene of his invocation of Bihatra, from setting up the room for the ritual to the arrival of the gorgeous and terrifying demoness; from her playful suggestion of a tit for tat arrangement to the effortless way she had healed Tansy's grandfather's ailing mind; from the sheep pajamas she had been wearing to the many, many rows of teeth she had used to eat him to death when the IOU had come due.

"I know what you're thinking," said Stan. "You're thinking I'm going to eat you or steal your soul or something, but it won't be anything like that. I promise. You'll simply owe me a favor. A small one. You—and Tansy, for that matter—are of little interest to me dead or damned, my boy. Remember: you're my only necromancer."

The thought of being the devil's only anything was not soothing in the slightest. "Well..."

"And I won't even call it in for a while. Probably not even by the time this book ends!"

Theo blinked in surprise...and then, with a calculating and crafty frown, he considered. He had already been through two novelettes—

He flinched at the term, which he hated, and cast a furious glance to the sky.

—and he was going through a third. It was unlikely he would have enough adventures to make up a fourth. Once upon a time, he had wanted to be a storied sorcerer with enough arcane contributions to the wisdom of the ages to fill several tomes, and a few adventures besides.

Now, though, Theodosius planned to settle down with Tansy. All that stood between him and perpetual bliss was finding her a body. Once she was securely ensconced in flesh again, he would never, ever, ever have another adventure again.

"Deal," said Theodosius, because he was stupid.

The campfire smiled a very wide smile full of quite a lot of teeth. "I'll send my assistant to show you the way," it said.

***

YOU KNOW HOW IT GOES BY THIS POINT, DEAR READER.

Stan's assistant was none other than the Great and Terrifying Bihatra. She appeared out of the campfire in a pantsuit that was so exquisitely-tailored it was smug about it. Her long, dark locks had been twisted up into a becoming chignon arranged around her curling horns. The hairdo was secured with a sharpened human ulna.

Upon seeing the object of his nightmares once again, Theo flinched, dropping his wizardly walking stick. "Bihatra," he wheezed, shrinking back from her. "You...ah...you got a promotion."

The demoness looked around, her lambent yellow eyes narrowed with distaste. She flicked her tail and, with a display of temper that put Theo in mind of the Maple Leaf Scout she had once pretended to be, she stomped out the campfire with her hooves. "If I have to deal with you, it does not count as a promotion," she muttered.

Softly, the last little flame of the campfire said, "I heard that!"

Bihatra's shoulders slumped. She looked at the flame with mild trepidation. "Sorry, Boss." She stamped again, and the campfire-line to Hell was severed. Turning her attention to Theo, she put her hands on her hips and said, "So, I'm supposed to take you to Victoria the Badass so she can plunk your wife's Soul into a flesh-suit?"

"If it's not too inconvenient," Theo said.

"Oh, I assure you. It is extremely inconvenient. But if the Dark Lord commands, I obey. Where's the floaty one?"

"She's just back at the cottage." Theo picked up his stick and gestured back in the direction he'd come. In the distance, through the trees, they could see the blue-shingled roof of the cottage nestled right at the End of the World.

"Lead on, pipsqueak. The sooner we get this over with, the sooner I get back for happy hour."

Theo struck out towards his home, not terribly comfortable walking in front of Bihatra. He kept throwing anxious glances over one shoulder or the other to ensure that she was still there and that she was not preparing to eat him again. "Oh, happy hour. That sounds nice."

"It is. You get to toast your own sinners. All you can torment for six bucks. Perfect bliss."

Theo walked faster.