Toil and Trouble and Bad Decisions [The Misadventures of Theodosius - Book III]

Chapter 12

SOUTHEAST DONKEYSHIRE WOULD NOT BE ON THE "TOP TEN" LIST OF MOST DESIRABLE CITIES. Not long after Theodosius, his bottled wife, his skeletal cat, and their deteriorating guide had departed Victoria the Badass's neighborhood, they found themselves in rough territory. The streets were littered with litter, rutted with ruts, and ratted with rats.

"I'm so glad I'm in here and not out there," said Tansy. "It's not just that I've never seen so many rats in one place. I never knew so many rats existed. In the world."

"I wish I still had claws," said Elliott. "One of those big ones would make a perfect gift for Percival."

"Don't worry," said Franklin, sounding morose. He was trudging along with a rat the size of something very big attached by its slavering jaws to his left calf. "I think I've caught one for you."

"That looks painful," said Theo with concern.

"Not terribly. I find that after a certain stage of decomposition, one doesn't really have feelings any more."

"Oh. Disgusting."

"Physical feelings." Franklin fixed Theo with a disapproving look.

"Speaking of physical feelings and completely unrelated things, we may be getting lost." Theo peered at the ramshackle buildings lining the street, each one more slumped and disgruntled than the last, all of them peering right back at him with big, empty windows for eyes. It was downright creepy.

"This looks like an excellent place to be murdered." Elliott sounded unimpressed by the prospect. "If we're set upon by bandits, I just want to make it clear that it's every cat for himself."

"Oh, please." Franklin waved his loose arm and pointed ahead. "We're perfectly safe."

"Says the fellow who has never stepped outside of his residence and whose calibration of what's safe starts with dangling upside down from the ceiling."

Franklin frowned at Elliott, but Theo shrugged. "He has a point," he said. "Your assessment is probably a little—oh!"

All heads in the party turned in the direction in which Theo was looking. Ahead, coming out of one of the dilapidated buildings that lined the sorry street, was a woman. She looked exactly how you picture her, Dear Reader, with one alteration: she was wearing a gray uniform pantsuit and hat, and she had a large, shiny badge on the left breast pocket.

"An authority figure!" Franklin exclaimed joyfully. "All of our problems are over!"

Theodosius hurried toward the uniformed woman, Tansy bouncing wildly on his hip. Elliott followed at a much more dignified pace, and Franklin brought up the rear, his eager grin melting grotesquely to one side.

"Good afternoon!" Theo called, waving both arms.

The woman had been peacefully minding her own business, which up until this moment had included very little involvement in strangers' quests. At Theo's call, she drew to a halt. She had been making some notes on a pad, but she lowered it, turning a curious frown upon Theo.

"Good afternoon," Theo repeated, panting. He leaned over and put his hands on his thighs, hauling a couple of deep, steadying breaths into his shriveled lungs.

"Good afternoon?" The woman studied Theo. "Are you okay?"

"Yes, yes, it's just that I shouldn't try to sprint." He straightened again and tried to ignore the racing of his heart, which should have been interpreted as a stern reminder that a couple hours' aerobic exercise per week are necessary for optimal health. "I'm so glad we chanced upon you, madam. We're in need of your help."

"Oh!" She smiled at him, her gaze sliding down over his sorcerial robes. When she saw Elliott at Theo's feet, she her eyes widened with alarm. When she looked up again, her eyes darted toward something beyond Theo's shoulder and she went very pale. "Oh—oh my—"

"That's just Franklin," said Theo, waving his hand vaguely behind him. "He'll catch up. We're in urgent need, you see, of a book store."

"A book store?" the strange woman repeated weakly.

"Yes. It is a sort of store that sells books, among other things, like tomes and grimoires and thesauruses and whatnot. Can you point us in the right direction?"

"Um...I don't know. I'm just a city health inspector, sir."

"Oh." Theo was impressed and disappointed at the same time, which was very confusing.

"I seem to recall that on Trotter Lane there's a small book store, but I may be mistaken. It's been so long since I've been that way. The houses here on this side of town are all in such poor health, I spend all my time over here. Many of them have rats and consumption and shutter-rot and shingles. It keeps me more than busy."

Franklin finally arrived. "Hello!" He waved his loose arm in greeting.

The woman took a step back from him, gagging as politely as she could at the awful smell wafting toward her. "I'm sorry, I have rats to assess." Her gaze caught on the one still attached to Franklin's leg. "Good luck. Trotter Lane. If you don't find it there, somebody there should be able to help you."

"Thank you, madam. You've been most helpful," said Theodosius. He offered her a respectful bow as she hurried away down the street in the direction whence they'd come.

"Well, I guess we know where we're going now," said Franklin.

"Which is ever so convenient, knowing where we're going without knowing how to get there." Elliott gave a persnickety twitch of his tail.

"Don't worry," said Theodosius. "I have a plan!"