Toil and Trouble and Bad Decisions [The Misadventures of Theodosius - Book III]

Chapter 6

BACK AT THE COTTAGE, TANSY WAS FEEDING THE BEAR.

She turned at the sound of the cottage door opening with a sheepish smile. "The supper didn't turn out," she began. Then she saw Bihatra sauntering in after Theo. (Any creature who walked with that much swing in its hips might have been said to sashay, but Bihatra was far too frightening to be described as a sashayer. And far too cloven-hooved, too.)

(Cloven-hoofed?)

(Hooved.)

(Hoofed. Hoofed?)

(Oh, you know what I mean. She had goat feet.)

Tansy gasped at the sight of Bihatra and backed right into the bear, which grunted, but did not look up from its food.

"It's okay!" said Theo, although it absolutely wasn't. "She's a—"

"Far more powerful and evolved life form," Bihatra interjected.

"I was going to say friend, but that's much more accurate," muttered Theo.

"I remember you," said Bihatra, looking Tansy up and down.

"I remember you, too," Tansy replied. "You're a demoness."

"Well done!" Bihatra clapped twice, brief and sarcastic. "You might be able to throw a chair right through her, Theo, but there's nothing wrong with her memory. Nothing wrong with the old man's either, I suspect. That is, if he's still alive."

Theo and Tansy's eyes met, and for a horrible instant, grief washed over the woman's face. It was true: both of them had first met Bihatra once upon a time, when Theo had invoked the demoness's powers to help Tansy's ailing grandfather. Theo was certain Tansy would ask what had become of him over the many, many years she'd been away, and he did not know what to tell her.

How could he say he didn't know?

How could he explain how hard it had been for him to keep himself alive, let alone ask after others, like Tansy's father and grandfather back in the capitol city of Barenn?

But Tansy did not ask. She looked away, and from the way she lifted her chin, Theo could tell that she was setting aside her fear and her grief in order to tackle the problem at hand.

The tall, dark, demonic problem, which was now strolling around Theo's cottage.

With a frown in her husband's direction, Tansy said, "I told you—Elliott told you—not to make any deals with demonesses, Theodosius. You had one job."

"In my defense, I didn't make a deal with Bihatra. I made a deal with the Devil. Again. In retrospect, I should have expected that she'd be involved, but I'm not known for my foresight," said Theo.

"Listen, I'm all for talking about how stupid this idiot is, which is very, but I'm not all for hanging around in the human realm any longer than I have to. Can we just get on the road already? You stupid idiots live all the way on the other side of the world than the witch, and it's going to be an insufferably long trip." Bihatra trailed a talon along the glass coffin in the dining room, peering in at the mummy. She looked up at Tansy and added, "Wow. You did not age well, babe."

"Okay!" Theo said, clapping his hands. "Time to go."

"Go where?" Tansy asked.

"Satan—Stan, I mean—says there's a witch called Victoria who can help us. We just have to find a way for you to come with us."

As quickly as hope kindled in Tansy's eyes at the mention of the witch Victoria, it faded. "Oh, darling. I'll just float away. How are we going to go all the way across the world? I could barely get across the meadow in front of the cottage."

"A solvable problem!" Theo said brightly, glad to finally have an issue he could deal with on his own, without calling upon dark forces from other realms. He hurried into the cottage's small kitchen. With a clink and a clatter, he rummaged around the counters and under sink and in the cupboards until he found a clean glass bottle with a screw-on lid. "Behold!"

Tansy, Bihatra, Elliott, and the bear all stared blankly at Theo from their respective places in the room.

"Just think of it as a carriage." Theo unscrewed the cap. "A glass carriage. Isn't there a fairy tale about glass carriages? Now you just need some pumpkin slippers!"

Tansy looked doubtfully at the bottle, wrinkling her nose. "Theo, I don't see how I could fit into that. I'm...I'm rather bigger than a bottle."

"Well...yes, but you're also...rather wafty," Theo replied in cautious tones. It was difficult to know what would be more troubling to Tansy for him to emphasize: her size, or her intangible waftiness. "I think you could be able to...erm...condense. Squish."

"I can't wait to see this," said Elliott.

Bihatra snapped her fingers several times. "Come on, moseypokes. I don't have all eternity."

Theo went to Tansy, the bottle in hand. "This isn't what either of us pictured," he said. "It isn't what either of us want. I know that, sweetheart. But we can have what we want. Happiness. It's just one adventure away."

Peering into the bottle, Tansy sighed. "I don't know about this. I've never fit into a bottle before...but I'll try."

From across the room, the bear belched.