Toil and Trouble and Bad Decisions [The Misadventures of Theodosius - Book III]

Chapter 4

THEODOSIUS WAS PREPARED TO TAKE ELLIOTT'S ADVICE and avoid deals with demonesses. If he never saw Bihatra again, he would not mind one little bit. But there was another infinitely powerful infernal creature who'd had a claw in bringing Tansy back from beyond Theo's reach.

You remember Stan, right? The devil?

Yeah. Him.

Well, Theo had a bone to pick with Stan. Never once in their conversations had he mentioned the small matter of Tansy's being an insubstantial spirit upon her return to earth, and it seemed to Theo that he was owed an explanation for services rendered in an unexpected and exceedingly inconvenient manner.

"You need to what?" Tansy asked. She had been doing her level best to make them a meal, which was difficult for two reasons. The first reason was that there was precious little edible food in the pantry, because Theo himself had been dead for so long. The second reason was that it took her a great effort to lift so much as a spoon.

"I just need to have a little chat with the devil," explained Theo. "I'm certain he can help—"

"Theo, that sounds dangerous."

"Yes. Probably a little. But you might be surprised. Stan is surprisingly normal. He had a lot to do with bringing you back. I'm sure he would be glad to help us figure out how we can..."

Tansy waited.

"...You know."

Tansy waited some more.

"Make you a little bit less of a ghost."

Tansy sighed. "Elliott told you not to make any deals with demonesses."

"I know. First of all, Stan is not a demoness—he's a devil. Those are two different things. And, secondly, I won't be making any deals. I'm simply going to discuss the deal we already made. Okay?"

It was apparent that it was not okay, but Tansy could not very well argue with Theo about his plans. They might find a way to live together like this, she a spirit and he a man, but it would not be the wedded bliss they had anticipated on their wedding day.

"I still say we could simply bring a large cauldron to boil," began Elliott, "and then—"

"Very well." Tansy's tone was flat, and she threw a dark look toward the cat. "Go and talk to the devil. But be careful. And be home for dinner."

"Of course." Theo cast a slightly apprehensive glance toward the unidentifiable gloop Tansy was preparing. He smiled at his wife and leaned in for a very soft, very strange kiss. Then he found his cloak and his wizardly walking staff, which had been left a long, long time ago in a corner to gather cobwebs and mildew, and he left the cottage at the End of the World with a scowl of determination on his face.

***

THEODOSIUS WAS VERY WELL-READ, although not all of the reading he had done would be on an American high school curriculum these days. He had studied all sorts of sorcery. He had read extensively on alchemy. He had studied every dimension known to man, and some only hypothesized. He had read all of the extant Barennite books on necromancy. And he had, as you are well aware, read every one of the Hidden Library of Mystery's texts on invocations.

Interspersed with terrifying illustrations of bearded demons making kebabs out of sinners and lengthy essays detailing what not to do when attempting to invoke spirits from alternate, very warm dimensions, Theo had come across a brief footnote. He could not remember now precisely what it had said, but it had been something along these lines: