The Unknown Road

67 - Archie

"Can't you see how much this is hurting Tessa?" He says, trying to get through to me. I twitch slightly, trying not to react.

"She was hurting so badly already, Archie. We both are. Please, don't leave her outside any longer. Please... Talk to her. What you're doing is cruel!"

I shake my head. "I can't."

He runs a hand through his beard. "Why?"

I gesture with my hand, saying it was obvious.

Matt's funeral had been a couple of weeks ago. They had asked me if I wanted to come but I said no. I sat here in my bed whilst everyone mourned my best friend. I sat here whilst they buried him, and said prayers and cried. I sat here and stared at the wall, gritting my teeth and clenching my fists so tightly I had crescent marks on my palms.

"You're Tessa's hero, Archie. She's sitting broken out there."

He's doing this on purpose. He's saying these things so I would break... but I'm determined not to.

"Archie, you don't have to be alone in this. Please. We can help! Let us in..."

I shake my head, knowing I had a plan in my head for how it would all work out in the end. I knew Andrew and Tessa weren't going to give up coming here every day, and then sooner or later I would be let out of here and I'd be forced to go back to theirs. I didn't want to do that, but I was just biding my time until I could come up with something better.

I'd been in here for month, and that meant Tessa was due to leave for university soon. I knew she was still going, Millie had told me, but my plan was to stay here long enough for her to have to leave... Even though our bond was strong, as awful as it sounded, I knew she would soon forget about me if I hurt her deep enough... and me acting like this is the only way I could ensure she hated me enough to make the pain worth it.

I didn't care about me anymore. I was never going to be happy. But I still wanted Tessa to be happy; I wanted her to find someone else who could make her happy because I knew she could no longer find that happiness with me, not after what's happened. Everything is different, and nothing could ever be the same ever again.

I turn back towards Andrew and his eyes look hopeful. But when I shake my head again, he sighs in defeat, knowing I'm not going to change my mind.

"I suppose Columbia have been told I'm not coming." I try a change of subject, but from the shake of his head, I don't think it works.

Classes were well and truly underway, and I knew I wouldn't be able to get there this term. If I worked on my recovery I could maybe get there for January - I needed to make it for January - because the three-thousand mile distance would help make it easier for us to forget each other. I'd move out there, and I'd never come back. It was as simple as that.

"Archie, I have no idea why you're doing this. You're an amazing boy who still has so much ahead of him. I know that because you've endured an extraordinary amount of hardship, and you're amazing because you've come out fighting. You were always happy, you were always smiling... no matter what." I look at him, wondering what he was getting at. "You didn't let him take it."

He shakes his head as he comes forward to sit on the edge of my bed. I want to move away from him, but he takes my hand in his and holds it calmly, just looking at me.

"Don't let your dad win, Archie. You acting like this is letting him win."

My eyes widen.

"Don't let him take that fire... that spirit, Archie." He shakes his head. "Don't be like him. Don't become cold. Let us in. Let Tessa in."

My eyes brim with tears and I cough out a sob as I drop my head back on my pillow, the movements no longer painful now that my head had mostly healed. I can see properly now and the bandage has gone from my head; the only thing that is hurting right now is the chasm in my chest. The hole that once held my heart. It's empty, and now I think it always would be.

"I miss him so much," I sob after we've both been quiet for a while. "Andrew, I miss him so much."

I lean forward and drop my head onto his shoulder and I feel his arm come around my back gently.

"We do too. But he would be glad you're here. Still here for Tessa."

I pull back and look at him. His eyes are bright with tears, same as mine, but he has a smile on his face, knowing exactly what I'm thinking.

I could say all I wanted, that I hated myself and that I didn't deserve Tessa, or even that I no longer loved her. But he knows it's a lie. He knows no matter how long I keep myself away for, there won't be a day where I wouldn't think of her. He knows everything.

He knows how much I'm hurting because of not letting her in, just as he knows how much she's hurting because of everything that's happened. He knows I need to talk to her, to tell her everything that happened, even though I know he's already told her. He knows I'm the only one that can help her feel better, and she's the only one who can help me.

And with one more look, I know I can't say no anymore. I have to start playing along for my plan to have any chance of working.

Gritting my teeth, I nod. With that nod, relief floods through him and tears escape his eyes, flowing freely down his cheeks.

"I'm so sorry, Andrew. For everything."

"I know you are. But we love you, Arch." He smiles. "Tessa loves you."

I look at her through the window and feel tears falling down my cheeks as I nod at her. I watch her as she walks slowly towards me, tears on her own cheeks as she doesn't even ask to get up on the bed with me.

She opens the covers, tucks herself as close to me as she can and rests her head on my chest. I can feel how quickly her balming effect starts to work. Her tiny frame comforts and consoles me as she wraps her arms softly around my middle, not saying anything. She knows she doesn't need to. Just as it always had been since we were kids, her presence is all I ever need.

I stroke my hands slowly up and down her back, shushing her, trying to get the tears to stop falling down her cheeks.

After a few minutes, Andrew leaves us alone. And as I feel Tessa start to fall asleep in my arms, I know exactly what it is I have to do.

It will hurt... It will really hurt... But as much as they wanted to believe it would all be okay, I knew this wasn't the ending for me. I wasn't going to be able to get my happy ending anymore. I would only hold Tessa back.

I had to live with the consequences.

No one else had to bear it for me, and in order to work it out, I had to work this out on my own.

I just hoped the two of them would understand.