The Unknown Road

37 - Tessa

I AM BEYOND SOURED by the time I get to the station. I have never been so mad in my entire life, and in this moment's thinking, I don't know if Archie and I can make it through this. I'm beyond mad at him. More mad than I have ever been.

Knowing that Dad and Matt may not be home yet from football, and knowing they'd ask questions if I called them, I walked from the station to home - in the continuous rain - and my mood was plummeted when I arrived at home to find the car on the drive. My trousers had dried off in the train, but by the time I got home they were soaking again and all I wanted to do was curl into a ball and cry.

The whole journey I'd held onto my resolve and hadn't turned my phone back on, despite it burning a hole in my pocket. And it made me feel awful about thinking we may not make it through. Of course we would. Because I love him... even if he is a shithead.

More than anything I wanted to ask him what was wrong. Because something was wrong. But I had to wait for him to come to me. I'd left the ball in his court, and I couldn't go around the other side and throw it back... he had to do it.

I didn't even need an apology right now, the more I thought about it. I just wanted him to feel like he could talk to me, because something was clearly wrong.

I was still angry, yes - livid, even - but that didn't mean I'd stopped caring about him. He's hurting, and he needs me more than I need him to apologise.

***

WHEN I GET BACK, I open and close the front door as quietly as possible so as not to draw attention and get straight out of my wet clothes and into the warm shower. I don't know how long I stay under the warm water, but by the time I come out I'm all pruny... but most importantly I'm warm. The feeling had come back into my toes and I now felt like I resembled a human being, as opposed to an icicle.

Once I was dressed, I decide I should get going on some homework. After complaining to myself that Archie had distracted me from it, I'd be damned if he'd continue to distract me, even when I was mad at him.

I dry my hair as much as I can and pull it up into a bun, pinning my fringe back before heading downstairs to get my school bag. As I open the door, I hear Matt and Dad going over the match and I roll my eyes as I step out and prepare to face the inevitable questions.

With only three weeks left of term, all our essays and projects were coming to a head, and I only had Classics and English to finish, as well as our Art project. I had the essays all planned out, so all I had to do now was write them. So when I get downstairs, I'm thankful that Dad and Matt seemed too distracted to notice me grab my bag from the banister and head back up to study in solitude.

***

TWO HOURS LATER, I'D written most of my Classics essay, and I was in need of another dose of thawing out. I'd started to shiver, thanks to my partially wet hair and thin jumper, so I put on one of Archie's massive hoodies and my slippers and head downstairs in search of a piping hot cup of tea.

This time, Dad notices me come in.

"Erm... I thought you went out?" He asks, chewing his pen as he looks up from his crossword.

I open the fridge to find the milk before I boil the kettle, and I try to ignore their stares. I can see Dad looks concerned, but Matt looks angry. I steel myself as I ask Dad if he wants tea by gesturing to my mug. He nods so I take another one down and pour in the boiled water, my hands starting to shake. There's a lump in my throat as well, which was threatening to burst and reveal how upset I really was.

"It was tipping down, so Wetlands cancelled. Archie and I both had homework so he just dropped me off and I've been doing essays." I'm proud of how my voice didn't break but I don't think I've convinced either of them because Dad gets up and comes over, enveloping me in a hug. Matt's jaw bounces, but he doesn't say anything either.