The Unknown Road

67 - Archie

I DIDN'T LET TESSA or Andrew back in my room.

I didn't even let Millie in.

I didn't let anyone in to see me.

The only people I allowed in were the police, who I recounted my story to and identified Dad as the suspect, and the doctors and nurses. I couldn't bear for anyone else to see me. Not when I was more broken than I ever would be.

I've been here for three weeks now. I've been backwards and forwards to surgery four times in two weeks, to fix most of what's wrong my legs, but now I'm apparently starting the recovery process. But I felt like it was all getting worse.

I couldn't sleep. Every time I closed my eyes I saw either Matt or my dad. Every time I tried to get some semblance of sleep, the pain of losing my best friend would keep me awake. After two days I lost all hope of ever sleeping again, and by the end of two weeks, I could barely think I was so tired.

But that wasn't just it. There was more.

I knew Tessa was waiting outside my room. I've felt her there every day I've been in this bed, and even though I'm not letting her in, she has no idea how much I actually want her in here. I want her comfort. I want to hold her tight and never let her go, just like last time. I want her to come in here at night and rescue me, taking me home with a full flask of tea and a bag of supplies. I want to tell her how sorry I am. I need to tell her. But I also want to tell her that everything is going to be okay... but I know that it won't be. I can no longer tell her that because I'm not sure of it myself.

Things have changed between us, just like I'd expected it to, but they've changed beyond repair. Andrew has said time and time again they didn't blame me for what happened, but I could see it in their eyes. I could see they blamed me for part of it, even if they couldn't see it themselves. They blamed me enough, even though it wasn't me who killed Matt, they saw me as someone partially responsible.

If I had just told the police about my dad sooner, when it first happened, I wouldn't be here right now. I would be in college. I would be walking down 5th Avenue, towards campus, towards my lessons and my future. But instead, I'm stuck here, lying in this goddamn bed, staring at the same wall I'd been staring at for nearly three weeks.

All my life, everyone had been making excuses for me. They said I was too young to understand what was going on. They said I was protecting my family... that I was being heroic.

I was the furthest anyone could get from being a hero. I am a coward. Plain and simple.

***

AFTER ANOTHER WEEK IN hospital, I knew they couldn't take much more of me shutting them out.

Every time the door opened, I heard Tessa or Andrew plead with the nurse, begging her to ask me to let them in. Each time the nurse would ask me and I would shake my head. The answer would always be the same: Not today, maybe tomorrow.

But after another few days, the nurses couldn't stop Andrew from coming in.

I hear him push past her, despite her protesting and stands at the foot of my bed. "Archie, come on, this is ridiculous." The nurse asks him to leave but I shake my head at her, saying it was alright.

I turn away from him and try not to say everything I want to say. I bite my tongue to stop myself from saying how sorry I am, and that all I want to do is hold Tessa in my arms again, and kiss her, telling her it will be fine, that it will all go back to normal.

"Can't you see how much this is hurting everybody?"

I knew how much it was hurting because it was hurting me just as much. But that was the point. I wanted everyone to leave me alone because of all the hurt I'd already caused. I wanted them to hate me like I deserved... but they just wouldn't.