Dying Girl & Bad Boy

To Last For Awhile

"Have no fear of perfection - you'll never reach it."

―Salvador DalÍ

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To Last For Awhile

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I was the happiest I ever was been if I could only bury the guilt. Regardless, my life seemed to be going fine. Jackson and I kept the pretense that outside our bubble no world exist, and I liked the feeling of losing myself to something other than the disease. I like the control I have over my life. It didn't mean there wasn't a time when I wake up coughing blood, but those dark moments are soon forgotten when Jackson makes his usual visit after his mother checks up on him.

A week passed without his girlfriend suspecting something. She didn't stop giving me her narrowed stare, but those looks were targeted for my lack of fashion other than for making out with her boyfriend. At night when Jackson has gone back to his room, I would stare t the ceiling, and question my morals. I was doing something bad, I knew that, but I couldn't stop for the love of God. It seemed I have touched an invisible button that only let me rise high.

I kept my words and took rides from Luke or my parents. It angered Jackson, but it was something I wouldn't discuss it. He hasn't gotten his forgiveness yet, I was delaying, waiting for what I am not sure. The second week passed the same way, with one minor change.

On Thursday night of the second week, I got a text from Jackson. I smiled unplugging my phone to read the text.

J: Sleeping?

E: Can't :(

J: Lol, same :(

E: Did you text me to find out if I'm sleeping?

J: Nah.

E: What's up?

J: I am I forgiven yet? :(

I laughed because every night he texted the same thing, always asking if he is forgiven yet. I was tempted to say yes, but I couldn't make myself text him that. Some part of me was scared he will go away the moment he gets his forgiveness.

E: Nope. Good night :)

J: I'll pick you tomorrow.

There was no question in his text, he was so sure of himself. I already made plans with Luke.

E: Not happening. Good night.

J: Good night.

***

I woke up to my alarm blazing like crazy. I have set the alarm fifteen minutes early just in case Jackson might try to come early. I was serious when I told him I was not going to take a ride from him. I was going to keep true to my words, at least to some of my words. I dragged myself to the shower and miraculously didn't fall as I took my shower.

As I dried myself with towels, I stared at my reflection in wonder. The bones that were very visible have become hard to see. I was gaining some weight, I traced my rib cage. I looked better. I laughed because two weeks ago I have joked how my mom's microwaved food would do its magic, and now I could see it seems to have done its job. The freaking smoothies are also somehow responsible. I bet my mom couldn't see the change.

I quickly went through my older clothes, trying the ones that were too big to stay on my body. I tried the new ones that seemed to take more energy to get into. I was smiling as I took my favorite denim shorts and peach color Chevron open-Knit sweater. Some of the rings that didn't fit were now fitting better. I was happy to get rid of my new belts. Everything was good except my hair. I did a quick buzz of it again. it is because of its inconstancy I have to keep cutting it.