𝑵𝒐 𝑬𝒔𝒄𝒂𝒑𝒆

Chapter Four

It's already morning, and I barely slept. My heart has been aching for what could've been; if I had stayed would things have been different? All night, the guilt has overwhelmed me; even though I'm aware it wasn't my fault. I struggle to get out of bed, but when I do, I sit there for a moment. I hold my head in hands as my thoughts start to cloud my mind.

I shake my head trying to push these negative thoughts as far away as I can, but they remain where they are. Instead of letting these thoughts consume me, I decide to go take a walk. It's beautiful in Scarif, almost like a Paradise. It brings peace to my mind.

~

"If you step any closer you'll fall in."

"No shit Ani." I say, overlooking the scenery in Naboo, above the large waterfalls.

"Obi Wan's not going to be happy if he finds out you died... by falling in a waterfall.."

"And you wouldn't?"

"I didn't say anything!"

We stare at eachother before I broke the silence by laughing, as I usually did. I could never stay serious.

"But seriously.. I would be sad. I couldn't imagine doing anything without you.. or not having a partner in crime."

We stand awkwardly before we both smile.

~

Why am I getting these thoughts just now? Why couldn't they have been after I left the Temple, deserting Anakin when I knew he needed me most. That's it, I abandoned him after his mother died. He was heart broken, Obi-Wan might've been his Master and brother like figure, but no one understood like I did. After everything, I was the one who broke everything apart. How selfish of me to go to my own family when he lost his only one.

I begin to have a panic attack, so I run quickly to a secluded area. I find an alleyway behind a large building, and collapse against the wall. I feel like I can't breath, like my airways are being restricted; and my heart is pounding faster than it's ever been before. The guilt is too much to bear, giving me insane and cruel thoughts.

That's when the intense emotional pain kicks in my chest, and I begin to sob. I have to give myself a moment to recollect myself, gasping for air as I'm shaking. I hear someone heading down from where I came, so to save myself the embarrassment, I get up quickly, wipe my tears, and run the opposite direction as quick as I can.

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Eventually, I make it back to my sister's house. As I head inside, my sister embraces me - almost knocking me to the ground. "Whoa now." I say, struggling to escape her tight grip. She smacks my arm and gives me a death glare. "How the hell could you do that to me! You can't just run off like that without saying anything!" She frantically shouts, eyes going place to place. "I thought they found you and you were done for you idiot!"

I smack her arm in return for calling me a idiot. "Watch it. I'm not in the mood right now to argue." She gives me a begrudging look. "I'm serious Luekha. I'm having these panic attacks for no reason at night, and even during the day now. There's no way to escape them, and they keep getting worse." Her face expression changes to concerned as she motions me to the couch.

"What do you mean they keep getting worse? Talk with me." I stare at her as I thought it was self explanitory. "I'm caught in the past now more than ever." She nods her head and stares at me, making me uncomfortable. "Well, keep talking." She says expectantly.

"It's only about Anakin. You never met him, hell, I don't even know if you know who i'm talking about." She shakes her head. "Well.. he goes by a different name now. Darth Vader." Her jaw drops, but I think she catches herself as she closes it as fast as it dropped.

"We were really close when we were younger... well, when I was at the Temple. I abandoned him, Luekha. I abandoned him when he needed me most. That's why he's coming to kill me. I don't really know how many remaining Jedi there are that had left the Temple like myself, and I don't know why he's going after Ahsoka. I didn't really know her, I only heard about her through that time the Jedi framed her for events caused by a secret 'sith,' but I knew they were close."

She nods and trys to process all of the words that came out of my mouth, but I can tell she doesn't. "I think I'm going to retire for the evening. I just want this day to be over with." I say, exhausted with burning eyes from crying. She nods, pulling me into another hug. "Of course. I'm really sorry y/n, but you know It's not your fault right?" I shake my head over her shoulder. "I thought so too until I realized the truth. It is my fault, Luekha. If he finds me, he finds me. I'm going to find him eventually, and maybe, just maybe... I can get to him. I wish saying sorry was easy enough. But I know it won't be."

"You're supposed to be running away from him, y/n, not to him. It's suicide!" She says, pulling away from the hug.

"I have to find him, Luekha. I have to set things straight. I can't feel like this everyday, I can't live in guilt and sadness. He deserves to know I never meant to hurt him." She shakes her head at me, sitting back down on the couch. "I won't be risking anyone else's lives that I care about, and if you can't accept that I want to keep you and your family safe, I can't live here, risking all of your lives. Goodnight."