Strangers | CallMeCarson FF

(17) nervous breakdown

She immediately saw Carson, but not me. I stopped walking and wondered if I should just run or jump in the bush next to me.
"Carson! I am so sorry about what happened. You know how I get when you bring up old stuff! You just shouldn't have said that. I'm sorry I reacted that way. " She walked over to him and hugged him. I thought of this as my queue and walked right out of the driveway as fast as I could.

I just wanted to give them some space. Not making everything about me. It's not about me. It didn't matter that I felt like crying when she hugged him or that my heart sunk when he let her. It didn't matter. I continued walking until I reached a park that looked very dirty and abandoned.

I sat down on a bench, which other half had been kicked or ripped of and looked at the trees in front of me.
What was I feeling? Was I jealous? Was I scared for carsons safety? I mean she is just a small girl, shorter than me. She surely couldn't hurt him.. But she has already.
I started to feel very uncomfortable thinking about the two so I stopped.
I stopped thinking about anything. My head was blank.
I just kept looking at one tree and when I blinked everything was black all of a sudden.

I panicked and shook my head. I reached for my phone and it really was night. I had just  sat on this bench for 5 hours straight. I couldn't believe I lost time like that and stood up. My back and my general body felt as if it was going to fall of. I felt like shit. For some reason my face was completely wet, so I just wiped it with my shirt.
Carson's key was still in my hand and had left imprints.

While I walked back to Carson I wondered if I had mastered the art of meditation or if I had had a psychosis.
My legs were numb and every step felt like I was walking on something sharp.
When I reached the house I saw lights on in Carson's room. I decided to knock instead of ringing the door bell and to my luck Travis opened.

He looked at me shocked while I held up Carson's key. "You look really bad are you ok? " He asked while I just nodded.
"This is uhm Carson's key.. For his car so. Here. " I handed it to him and turned around. "Should I go get him or something? " I shook my head without turning around and kept walking.
"Wait! Are you walking home? At this time?" He shouted.
I heard something else and turned around. Looking up at Carson's window.

He was standing there looking at me. The moment our eyes met, mine started to get full of tears and so I didn't continue walking, I started to run.
I ran as fast as I could even though nobody was following me.
I continued running, only stopping when I needed to catch my breath until I reached my building.

As I closed my apartment door I fell to the floor and continued crying.
I didn't know why. It was as if my body was moving on its own. I didn't have anything to cry about but I still couldn't stop. Everything was overwhelming me.
I continued sobbing while the memory of today flooded my brain. I felt like my brain was on fire and I felt sick. I rushed to the bathroom and started to throw up, except I didn't have anything to throw up, so only acid came out.
My throat was burning and my head spinning. My hole body was shaking.

I laid down on my bathroom floor and passed out.

Later I learned that this had been my first nervous breakdown.