Flatline (CLEXA AU)

Chapter 10: The truth

Shorty after Lexa fell asleep, Clarke grabbed a blanket and joined her on the other side of the sectional couch.

The next morning, Clarke was woken up by a loud sound and as she sat up, she saw Octavia by the entrance door, holding her high heels in her hand.

"Sorry! I didn't mean to slam the door..." she said, almost whispering.

"Shhh..." Clarke shushed her and turned her head to check if she had woken up Lexa. "Lexa's asleep."

"Fuck... sorry..." Octavia came closer and sat on the couch arm rest.

"It's 8 am..." Clarke said after checking the time on her phone. "Where were you?"

"Umm... I kinda... had sex with... Lincoln..." Octavia replied, nervously biting her lip.

"O! Nooo..." Clarke said as quietly as she could.

"Mmm..." Lexa suddenly moaned and stretched her body, slowly opening her eyes.

"Shit... sorry, Lexa... did I wake you?" Octavia apologized, feeling bad for being so loud.

Lexa looked at her and then and Clarke, who smiled softly the moment their eyes met.

"No, no... When did I fall asleep?" Lexa asked, rubbing her eyes.

"Right after we ate cake..." Clarke answered. "How are you feeling?"

"Great, actually... Thank you so much, Clarke... for everything..."

"Of course... I'm glad you're feeling better..." they smiled at each other, oblivious to the fact that Octavia was curiously observing their interaction.

"Khm... so... I'm gonna go to bed now..." Octavia said and stood up.

"Not that fast, missy..." Clarke got on her feet. "You have some explaining to do."

"Ugh..." Octavia rolled her eyes. "It's just sex, Clarke, come on... it's not like we're getting back together or anything."

"Does he know that?" Clarke raised her eyebrows.

"Of course... I mean... it was just a drunken night."

"O... did you talk before you left his apartment this morning?"

"Well... I didn't want to wake him up... But, nothing has changed! I still don't want to get married, have a bunch of kids and live in the suburbs."

"But Lincoln does! I just think you're complicating things, that's all..." Clarke sighed.

While Clarke and Octavia were talking, Lexa slowly sat up, but didn't dare to get off the couch, afraid that she might interrupt their conversation.

"I know, Clarkie... It's just that he was so hot last night... and he really knows what I like in bed... I just needed my vitamin D..." she said and turned her head to Lexa. "You get me, right?"

"Umm..." the question made Lexa blush. "I... I need to go to the bathroom..." she smiled awkwardly and got up from the couch.

As soon as she left, Clarke tilted her head to the side and looked at Octavia, raising an eyebrow.

"What?" Octavia laughed.

"You made her uncomfortable... you know how she is..."

"Well, I guess I don't know her as good as you obviously do..." Octavia was quick to reply.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"I think you know..."

"Umm..." Clarke suddenly felt the need to change the direction of the conversation. "Look, O... You're a grown ass woman and can do whatever you want... just don't hurt him, okay? I love you both and..."

"I know... I know..." Octavia tilted her head down. "I got carried away... but I'll talk to Linc, I promise."

"Good... Hungry?"

"Nah... I'll go to bed... I'm pretty worn out," she winked at Clarke as she walked away from her.

"Ew..." Clarke frowned, shaking her head on her way to the kitchen.

In the meantime, Lexa brushed her teeth and had a shower before she went to her room, where she found Jasper, sound asleep in their bed. She felt sorry for how she had behaved the previous night and knew that she needed to apologize to him as soon as he woke up.

She put on a pair of jeans and a sweater, careful not to wake up Jasper, and left the room. The moment she stepped out on the hallway, she felt the smell of coffee and toast, becoming more intense as she was approaching the kitchen.

Clarke was standing by the kitchen island, pouring coffee into two cups that were placed next to some avocado toasts.

"Hey!" the blonde greeted Lexa as soon as she saw her coming from the living room. "I hope you're hungry..."

"I should be making breakfast for you!" Lexa smiled at her.

"Why?"

"It's the least I could do to thank you for last night."

"Actually... there is something you could do for me."

"What is it?" Lexa's smile widened.

"Wait here for a second... I'll be right back," Clarke said and rushed out of the kitchen.

A few moments later, she came back, wearing a hoodie and sweatpants and grabbed the two cups of coffee from the kitchen island.

"Grab the plates, please... and your coat... and follow me," she asked Lexa and started walking towards the apartment door.

They stepped out of the loft and went up the stairs.

"After you," Clarke said when she opened the door to the rooftop of the apartment building, holding it for Lexa.

The brunette stepped outside and noticed a few plants and small trees around the rooftop, as well as some outdoor furniture.

Clarke led her east, to a small wooden table and two chairs, where she could appreciate the view, overlooking the Brooklyn Bridge.

"It's beautiful up here..." Lexa commented after laying the plates on the table.

"It's not too cold for you, I hope...?"

"No no, it's perfect..." the brunette smiled and sat at the table, across from Clarke.

"Sorry about Octavia, by the way..." Clarke said after taking a bite. "She has no filter sometimes..."

"It's fine... I just thought I should leave you two alone."

"Oh no... she's very open about it... About Lincoln, I mean... I'm sure she's already told you all about their relationship."

"She did mention something, yes... I just never really understood why they broke up."

"There was always something between them, you know?" Clarke said and took a sip of her coffee. "Attraction and a very strong connection as well... they used to make out sometimes when we were still in high school... and then dated the summer before college... Lincoln wanted something more serious, Octavia didn't want a commitment... and then we all moved in together here... and they became a couple."

"Yeah... she actually told me about that," Lexa remembered. "And they broke up a few months before Jasper moved in with you?"

"Yes... A little over a year ago."

"I remember when Octavia told me about it, she said that it was because they wanted different things... and after what I heard today, I guess Octavia didn't want to settle down? But, maybe she changed her mind after last night?"

"No... I know her too well... You see, Octavia doesn't want to have children..." Clarke started explaining. "I mean, she does, but not her own... biologically speaking... She feels like there are so many children in the world that have been abandoned or have lost their parents... and she actually wants to adopt someday... And Linc kinda had a different idea about their life together, so..."

"Wow... that's... I mean, I see her point."

"I do too..." Clarke smiled. "What about you and Jasper?"

"Umm... We haven't really talked about it, actually."

"Oh... I'm sorry, I didn't mean to pry," Clarke was worried that she had made Lexa uncomfortable, even though she found it a bit odd that she and Jasper had been together for so long and hadn't talked about having children someday.

"No no, not at all..." Lexa smiled, trying to reassure Clarke that she didn't mind the question. "It's just that... Lately I... Well, I just have a lot on my mind."

"Anything I could help you with?"

"That depends... Do you know a good judge in the state of New York?"

"Umm..." Clarke raised her eyebrows, feeling a bit confused. "I do, actually... Octavia's mother."

"Really?"

"Yeah... do you umm..." Clarke paused. "Are you in any kind of trouble with the law?"

"Oh, no," Lexa laughed. "It's nothing like that... I better explain, so you don't think I'm a fugitive from the law..." she chuckled. "Okay... so... when I was fifteen, they brought a little boy to the last foster home I was staying in... His name was Aden and he was only two years old... I took care of him, played with him... I even potty-trained him," she smiled. "When I turned 18, my family's lawyer Titus gave me the deeds to my parents' house and some money they had put aside for me for college... as well as the insurance money from the accident... So, when I got accepted to MIT, I paid my tuition and then I had to say goodbye to Aden... I took my mum's car and before I left, I promised Aden that I would come back for him as soon as I finished my studies and found a good job... Over the next three years, I would drive once a month to Buffalo to visit Aden... I even gave him a phone and taught him how to use it to call me whenever he needed me... And then one day he called me, saying that he was being transferred to another home... He didn't know where, though... I made some calls, but no one would tell me anything... it was right before I graduated, so I had to stay for my finals... and I still didn't have a stable job, so I couldn't apply to be a foster parent..." she paused.

"What happened next? Did he call you again?" Clarke was intrigued.

"No... I kept calling, but his phone seemed to be turned off... I tried to track it, but the last time a cell tower had picked up a signal from it was the day he had called me, just down the road from the last foster home... so it was a dead end..." Lexa explained. "As soon as I graduated, I was recruited by the IT company I still work for today... so I decided to get my Master's degree while working for them, save enough money to get a good family lawyer and find Aden."

"Well, Octavia's a prosecutor, but I'm sure she can recommend someone for you..." Clarke suggested. "And her mum can help out too."

"I need a lawyer to file a motion for the disclosure of Aden's whereabouts... and then a judge needs to rule on it... In the meantime I have to get my own place and apply to become a foster parent, now that I have good income after getting my Master's degree."

"Oh... You'll be leaving then..." Clarke couldn't help but sound disappointed.

"Not too far..." Lexa smiled gently. "To be honest... It was not my plan to move in with Jasper and you guys... But he insisted and I agreed to do it temporarily, because this way I could stay here while looking for a new place."

"Right... So have you found anything yet?"

"I went to check out one apartment last week, but I didn't like it... And I have two more appointments next week."

"That's great, Lexa... What you're doing for Aden, I mean... You have a huge heart... But.. I must admit I'm going to miss you..." she said, noticing Lexa's flushed cheeks. "I know it's only been a month since we met... but I feel like we've become close... And like I can talk to you about anything."

"I feel that too..."

"I hope we stay in touch... Even if we're not roommates anymore."

"I'd love that..." Lexa smiled timidly, without looking away from Clarke.

"So... Khm..." the blonde continued after clearing her throat. "Soon we'll have an empty room, ha?"

"Oh no... Jasper's staying."

"Really?" Clarke felt inexplicably relieved.

"Yes... Actually, I..." Lexa took a deep breath. "I'm not sure if I..." she looked down, suddenly feeling a lump in her throat.

"Hey..." Clarke put her hand on top of Lexa's. "It's okay..."

Lexa looked at her with tears in her eyes.

"I do care about him, you know..." she said and saw Clarke nod at her. "I just can't give him what he needs... And deserves... I didn't want to see it before, but... Now I know that I have mistaken friendship for love... I always felt safe with him and I thought that was enough... But I realize now that I was wrong... And I can't do this anymore... He deserves better."

A tear fell down her cheek and Clarke gently wiped it off with her thumb.

"You know..." Clarke spoke. "It happens sometimes when couples move in together... They just realize they're not made for each other..."

"True... Except that I'm pretty sure I knew all along... I was just too scared to face the truth."

"And what is the truth, Lexa?" Clarke asked, looking at her with understanding.

Lexa saw her own reflection in Clarke's warm blue eyes, quite certain that the blonde already knew the answer, and for the first time in her life she felt truly seen.

"I'm..." she paused. "I'm not in love with Jasper... I never was."

The moment the words left her mouth, it was as if enormous weight had been lifted off her shoulders and she suddenly felt liberated.

"Is this the first time you've said it out loud?" Clarke asked and saw Lexa nod, at the same time tears started rolling down her cheeks. "Come here..."

Clarke moved closer with her arms open, offering Lexa a hug, which she accepted without hesitation, wrapping her arms around the blonde and hiding her face in the crook of her neck.

"It's going to be okay..." Clarke whispered, gently stroking Lexa's back with her hand. "Just be honest... He'll understand."

"I hope so..." Lexa replied, still resting in Clarke's arms. "Hey..." she said as she slowly moved away and wiped the tears off her face, looking at Clarke. "It's your turn now."

"What?"

"You said you were going to tell me about your ex... Ontari?"

"I did tell you... Don't you remember?" she asked and saw Lexa frown.

"No... When?"

"Yesterday... After the cake... But I guess you fell asleep a lot earlier than I thought... I must've bored you with the story."

"Oh my God! I'm so sorry!" Lexa exclaimed and covered her face with her hands, feeling ashamed.

"I got you again!" Clarke started laughing, seeing that she had managed to fool Lexa again.

"Nooo!" Lexa exclaimed. "You're mean!" she placed her hand on Clarke's shoulder, laughing and shoving her playfully.

"I couldn't resist," the blonde grinned. "Let's go back inside and I'll tell you all about it... Your lips are starting to turn blue."

After picking up the empty plates and cups, they left the rooftop and walked down the stairs.

They were still giggling when they entered the loft, but the good mood came to an end when they went to the kitchen and saw Jasper sitting on one of the high chairs, drinking coffee.

He looked up for a second and then continued scrolling on his phone, letting out a quiet "good morning" as a response to the young women's greeting.

Clarke looked at Lexa before she excused herself, and the latter nodded when their eyes met, expressing her gratitude for the support the blonde had given her earlier that morning. They smiled softly at each other and Clarke walked in the direction of the bathroom, leaving Lexa and Jasper alone in the kitchen.

"Jasper..." Lexa spoke, trying to get his attention. "Can we talk, please?"

"Talk..." Jasper replied, still looking at the phone.

"Jas... please..." Lexa insisted. "Let's go to the room..."

"Why?" Jasper finally looked up. "Do you want to have make-up sex by any chance?" he said in a sarcastic tone, raising an eyebrow.

"Jasper..." Lexa sighed as she tilted her head down.

"Thought so..." he chuckled, focusing on the screen again.

"Listen... I know you're mad at me... I behaved like a teenager last night and you have no idea how sorry I am... it was your friend's wedding and I fucked up... I'm sorry, Jasper..." Lexa apologized and saw that she had managed to get her boyfriend's attention. "The least you deserve is an explanation... Please, Jas.. let's go to the room and talk..."

Jasper bit his lip nervously as he put away the phone in his pocket and got down from the chair. He nodded after taking a deep breath and exhaled on his way to the bedroom, followed by Lexa, who was starting to feel that same suffocating lump in her throat again, becoming bigger with each step she took towards the bedroom door.

Once they were inside, they sat side by side on the edge of the bed and Jasper patiently waited for Lexa to start talking.

"So... I'm really sorry, Jasper... You're probably wondering why I got so drunk in the first place... Even though I'd like to, this time I can't really blame it on my social anxiety."

"Why did you do it then?" Jasper finally spoke.

"There's... umm... there's something that I've been too scared to admit to myself... and I've been running away from it... but lately... I just can't go on like this, Jas... it's not fair to you..." she said, feeling the tears running down her cheeks.

"I knew it..." Jasper started shaking his head.

"You... did?" Lexa looked at him. "Why... didn't you say anything?"

"Because I only started figuring it out a month ago... all the pieces suddenly started falling into place after that welcome party we threw for you... But even then I kept trying to convince myself that I've been imagining things... and that maybe you were just curious... I even hoped that you might be bisexual and that there's still a chance for us... but after last night..."

"Wait... what?" Lexa interrupted him. "What are you talking about?"

Jasper turned his head and looked at her.

"You know what I'm talking about, Lexa... Isn't this what you were too scared to admit to yourself?"

"This? What is 'this'?"

"Is it possible that you still don't get it?" Jasper was baffled. "What on Earth happened to you that you felt like you had to hide that part of you? Somewhere so deep that you forgot it was even there? I can't believe I'm the one who has to tell you this..."

"Jas..." Lexa's lips were shaking as she was waiting for Jasper to say it out loud.

The truth that she had been running away from ever since the first time she felt Gaia's lips on hers.

The summer she had spent holding hands with her when no one was watching.

All the times they had sneaked out of the bedroom they shared together to spend the night in the tree house, feeling like they were the only two people in the entire world.

She remembered how happy she was when Gaia told her she liked her.

How she wasn't afraid to say it back.

How she had made her feel safe for the first time in the four years after losing her parents in that terrible car crash.

How she never wanted to leave that house.

The house Gaia and her mother Indra had turned into a home, so generously accepting her as a part of their family.

And then she remembered the pain.

The pain that broke her heart when the social worker came to take her away.

The shame that overcame her when she saw the disappointment in Indra's eyes.

She remembered sitting in the back of a car and feeling like the worst criminal in the world.

It was the day after she was kissing Gaia goodbye, behind the house, waiting for her father to pick her up to spend the weekend with him.

Little did she know that the neighbor's kid Roan had witnessed it all and had even filmed the rather clumsy make out session.

Something that she thought of as so pure and innocent ended up being portrayed as the most disgusting, foul thing that anyone had ever done.

Repulsive.

Wicked.

Sinful.

Dirty.

Wrong.

Two 13-year old girls liking each other, holding hands and sharing an ocassional kiss.

How was that wrong? Who were they hurting?

But then again, it must've been wrong. Otherwise they wouldn't have taken her away from there.

They did, though.

And it was all her fault.

Lexa never got her answers. Instead, she buried it all deep inside and never let herself hope again.

"Lexa..." Jasper's voice brought her back to Earth.

"I can't..." Lexa started crying, covering her face with her hands. "I'm so sorry..."

"Hey, hey..." Jasper put his arms around her shoulders and pulled her in for a hug. "It's okay, Lexie... I'm here."

She cried for a while, grateful for that comfortable hug, recognizing the familiar arms that she was used feeling around her body, calming her down.

Her best friend.

Her only constant.

The only one who was there to pick up the pieces of her broken heart.

And here he was again, comforting her even when it was her breaking his heart.

"Do you hate me?" she asked quietly, moving away.

"I could never hate you, Lexa..." Jasper smiled and wiped the tears off her face. "I've been in love with you since I was fifteen... And five years later you agreed to be my girlfriend... Maybe I was being selfish, because I knew that you weren't as crazy about me as I was about you... But I really wanted to make you happy."

"And you did..." Lexa said. "Having you in my life... You've helped me more than you know."

"You know... I always thought that you needed me... and it felt good... you know, being needed..."

"I still need you, Jas..."

"No... you don't... you never did... I just convinced myself that you did, because it was better than nothing..." he said with tears in his eyes. "You see, all I ever wanted was for you to want me back... So, convincing myself that you at least needed me was better than accepting that you never wanted me... I mean, I know you love me... but I also know that you're not in love with me... And I kept telling myself that in time you'll catch up, you know? That in the end you'll fall madly in love with me too and we'll live happily ever after... And last year when we were apart... you never wanted to come visit me here... and I would always find an explanation in my head... Maybe you weren't ready to meet the roommates... maybe you had a lot of work... Anything, really..." he smiled. "And then I would come see you... and we would do everything but what a couple in love is supposed to do after not seeing each other for a month... And I knew that something was missing, I'm not stupid... but I was a coward... a selfish coward...

"Don't say that..."

"It's true, though... I ended up convincing myself that you were just not that kind of a person... you know... not that expressive, so to speak... Honestly, for a while I thought you weren't capable of it... you know... being crazy about someone... wanting them so bad that you'd do anything just to be near them.... looking at them and wondering what their skin would feel like under your fingertips... You know, when that special someone enters the room and your brain stops working, because you're thinking 'how could this person be so goddamn breathtaking'... And you're like, 'fuck the sun... fuck the moon... I want them'..." a sad smile appeared on Jasper's face. "And then I saw the way you were looking at Clarke last night... And I finally saw what you look like when you want someone... All these years and you never looked at me like that... not even once... Last night your face lit up, you had sparkles in your eyes, your cheeks were blushing..."

"Jasper... I..."

"Don't deny it... It's time to let Heda out and be brave."

"Fuck... I'm so confused, Jas..."

"What's there to be confused about?" he asked. "Lexa, I love you to death... and believe me, you being with someone other than me is not something that I ever thought that I would be encouraging... But I can't stand in the way of your happiness... I want you to find out what it feels like to be in love... I want you to feel passion... I want you to know what it's like to be unable to concentrate on anything, because all you can think about is how you want to make love to someone all night long... I want you to be with someone who makes you feel alive, Lexa."

"How can you be so nice to me?" Lexa couldn't believe what she was hearing. "I was literally the worst girlfriend ever... The things you just said...You deserve all that and so much more... I would've given anything to have been able to feel that way about you."

"That would've been amazing," Jasper smiled. "Maybe someday I'll find that person... a sexy, horny woman who wants me and only me," he started laughing and Lexa gave him a push on the shoulder. "However... your sexy, horny woman is right next door... what are you going to do about it?"

"No, Jas... she doesn't think of me that way," Lexa said, tilting her head down.

"Oh, believe me, she does," he chuckled.

"How do you know?"

"I'll put it this way... I've lived with her for a year... and I have never seen her make someone breakfast, not even after spending the night together with someone... especially not after spending the night together," Jasper laughed. "And the way she says your name... and then you say something and she's immediately drawn to you, I don't think she even realizes it herself... but it's like she doesn't want to miss anything that comes out of your mouth, like everything you do or say is the most important thing in the entire world... But until last night, I wasn't sure if it was just an attraction or she actually felt something for you... And then she turned down that incredibly hot French woman and went home with you... knowing that there was nothing she could get from that, except maybe some vomit on her shoes..." they both smiled. "Then I came home and saw that she had stayed all night with you on the couch to make sure you were alright... I was still mad because of the whole situation, I admit... Even though I did overreact at the wedding... for which I apologize... So, anyway... I was still mad when I came home... but seeing the two of you there... I don't know, I can't explain it... it just made sense all of the sudden... You and I... we never did... but you and Clarke... it's fireworks."

"I love you, Jas..." Lexa said and gave Jasper a firm hug.

"I love you too, Heda..." Jasper hugged her back, a big smile curling his lips. "You know..." he said softly in Lexa's ear. "Heda was also a lesbian."

"What?" Lexa moved away from him, frowning.

"I mean, not officially... But in the comic, she never really had a love interest... the closest she got to that was with this blonde woman who was the leader of her people that came from the sky... but it was never confirmed."

"No... I meant, what do you mean 'also'?" Lexa raised an eyebrow.

"I mean 'also', as in 'in addition to yourself'..." he chuckled.

"I know what 'also' means, you dumbass," Lexa shoved him playfully. "I just didn't know you had decided my sexuality."

"I didn't decide shit," he laughed. "If it was up to me, you'd be as straight as a ruler and we'd be doing a lot more than just talking on this bed... But... the fact is, you're as gay as the day is long... it took us a long time to get here, but I think we're finally ready to move on... what do you say?"

"Did I mention how much I love you?" Lexa smiled at him, happy to see that she hadn't lost her best friend.

"I love you too, Lexie..." Jasper smiled back and they hugged again.

They both knew it wasn't going to be easy, but it was a change that was long overdue and they were finally ready to accept each other for who they really were, after being completely honest with themselves and each other for the first time in their lives.

                                                   ********************

How about that turn of events?

What do you think will happen next?