TROUBLED || thirteen reasons why

061.

No one really speaks as the group of teenagers sit in the outhouse, waiting on Ani to return from the police station. Tristan's eyes stay glued to the floor as she feels the couch sink next to her. Caroline nudges the girl, "You okay?"

Tristan picks at her nails, "I don't know. This still feels wrong."

"Yeah, I know." Caroline grabs ahold of Tristan's hand a squeezes it tightly.

The girls hear the door open and snap their heads as the others begin to stand up at the sight of Ani and Tony.

"Well?" Clay's voice is urgent as he walks up to Ani. The girl takes in a deep breath.

"I talked to Deputy Standall," She says, she glances at Alex, "And he believes me."

Everyone in the room lets out a breath as they look around at each other. They did it.

"He made me write down a statement, and he said that he was going to give it to the sheriff as soon as I left."

"So what do we do now?" Tony asks, taking a seat at the table with Zach and Alex.

"We wait. We hope." Ani nods at her friends.

"It's kinda too bad that you don't have the tape," Zach says, his eyes falling to his hands, "I mean, for last words and all that."

Jessica stands up from Justin's bed, releasing a breath, "We made a copy."

Tristan's eyes snap towards the girl. Jessica moves towards her bag and pulls out a cassette tape. Tristan's face burns.

Zach looks between the two girls as he stumbles with his words, "Look, I didn't mean... We don't have to-"

"No," Jessica interrupts, "I think you guys should hear it... if Tris wants to."

Tristan feels the eyes of her friends on her as they await her response. Does she want to hear the last words of Bryce Walker? Her mind has been nonstop thinking about what he had wanted to give her and Jess since Homecoming night. She could finally have peace. Tristan nods, "Yeah, okay."

Clay steps forward and holds out his hand for the tape, "My dad put in a tape deck. I think he thought it was funny."

Tristan's eyes watch as Clay walks towards the record player and he pops open the compartment and places the tape in. He glances towards the girl on the couch before pressing play.

"Hey Jess. Hey Tris. It's me."

Tristan pulls her knees to her chest as she hears the voice of Bryce Walker. Her eyes squeeze closed and she feels the warm hand of Caroline grasp onto her shoulder, comforting her.

"Yeah, I know. A tape. Yes I did it on purpose. Not to be a dick, but... because the day I listened to those tapes, my life changed. And I bet the same is true for you two. And for Justin, and Zach, everyone. And I wanted to give you this. I knew you'd hear me better if I wasn't standing in front of you.

"Jessica, you said that I had no idea what I had done to you. You were right. I can't stop thinking about you... replaying that night in my mind. I raped you. I heard you say no, and I did it anyway. Because I wanted to, and I didn't care how you felt. Justin tried to stop me. I wish I could tell you that there was a tiny voice in my head telling me that what I was doing to you was wrong. But there wasn't. I never had one of those before. That's not an excuse, it just... is.

"I was sixteen when I raped you, Tristan. I knew you were young and scared... and I took advantage of that. I keep thinking about that first time, Tris. I remember how you were before, and once it happened... it was like the life was taken from your eyes. But I didn't care. I raped you multiple times after that. I would force you to... pleasure me even when I knew you didn't want to, but I would threaten you or just do it anyways... I took away your innocence, Tris, I see it every time you look at me. I see the innocent girl that I ruined.

"I raped Hannah Baker. I raped seven or eight other girls. Some of them were my girlfriends at the time. I won't name them, but if they choose to tell you, believe them.

"I'm broken. I know that. I'm a person in a thousand pieces. But I'm seeing a counselor. It's a long, hard process, but little by little you start picking up the pieces. You realize that what you're making is a mirror, and the more pieces you put together, the more you see of yourself.

"I'd like to say that I am not the same person who raped you anymore. But what I've come to realize is that I will always be him. But I'm trying to be better, to be someone worth something in this world. I have this dream that I could be someone who protects people somehow. Protects them from people like me, like who I was. I don't know.

"I am so fucking sorry for what I did to you both. I know that words add up to nothing compared to what I took from you. Someone once told me that it would take a lifetime to learn what sorry is. They're right. But I'm starting.

"If you've listened this far, thank you. It's more than I deserve. I wouldn't blame you if you smashed this tape to fucking pieces, I know I would.

"I wish you two the best, truly. Goodbye."

The tape clicks and silence engulfs the room.

Tristan blinks hard, her breath shallow. Bryce Walker had admitted that he raped her. He said the words.

Tears prick her eyes and Tristan quickly wipes them away. The walls that she has spent years building threaten to come down. All of her secrets, all of her baggage... the girl's burdens feel as if they are weighing off of her shoulders.

She can breathe.