What She Left Behind

Chapter 10 (i)

Lia

Breathe.

In.

Out.

In.

Out.

In and out.

She's staring at me, titling her head and giving me the same contemplating look she gave me before she jumped. I take a deep breath. 

I want her alive.

'Hayley...' I whisper, my fingers caressing the glass. 'Don't do it.'

This isn't real, Lia. She's already gone.

'Hayley... Why did you do it?' I whisper, my vision blurred. 'Why did you leave me? Best friends don't leave.' I pause. 'But... it's okay, because you didn't truly leave me. You're here.' I point at the mirror, managing a smile. 'And you're there everywhere with me. You're always on my mind and oh God... your body, Hays.' Closing my eyes, I take a shuddering breath. My body trembles as the memory on the roof top surfaces.

No, no, no.

I'm standing at the roof top again, the thunder roaring while white flashes of lighting strike everywhere. Stormy clouds gather above me and the wind causes goosebumps to pop on my skin. I'm cold, but it's not only due to the weather. Hayley – the Hayley on the mirror – is still watching me, contemplating my words. Did she ever really contemplate them? And then, there is no warning and there are no last words, before she falls – before she leaves me behind. My heart jumps - yet again - when I see her fall and I walk to the edge of the rooftop, my footsteps slow but at the same time, so fast.

I don't want to re-live this moment again.

Snap out of it, Lia!

I try; I try so hard but the memory won't let me break away. I'm close to the edge. 

Break away!

I try to stop myself peering over at the edge and I try, to close my eyes and to block my vision from looking at her body... oh God, her body.

Break away now!

The moment breaks as I free myself from the memory, but Hayley is still on the mirror. Only this time, her bloody body is what stares at me. My throat burns as I feel the liquid coming up, yet again.

It's too much.

This is all too much.

'Get out!' I scream at Hayley. 'Get out of my head!' Squeezing my eyes shut, I clutch my head and clench my teeth forcing – desperately forcing – the image to leave. I fist my hands, hammering them against the sink worktop, but nothing works because when I open my eyes, she's still there. I scream again and punch the mirror, just wanting to shatter the image of her body. But before my hands can even connect with her reflection, someone stops me, yanking my hands away from the glass.

'No, let me go! Let me break it!' 

'No, Lia. No.'

That voice.

I know that voice.

I turn to face Tina, who stands in front of me. Her brown eyes are filled with worry, and she's biting the inside of her cheeks again. I know why she does that. She embraces me tightly, almost choking me, but I welcome it; at the least, it's a distraction from Hayley. I don't how long we stood there for, or how I possibly could cry so much, especially when I've done so a million times, but when we leave the bathroom, I feel a lot better.

The rest of the day passes by in a blur, not because my mind keeps thinking about Hays, but because it's plagued with whether or not I should discuss my melt-down with Tina. She's probably filled with questions, but since she's the type of person who doesn't ask them, respecting people's privacy – except in my house when she asked about Hays – she didn't question me. I walk out of my last class in a daze.

Maybe I should tell her.

But what's the point?

The point is... I might feel better. I always encouraged Hays to share what's on her mind because it reduces the burden of having to carry it alone. And Tina might be able to help. Even if she can't, I might feel better after I tell her.

That's a lot of 'might's.

Because what if Tina can't help me? What if I don't feel better after telling her, and instead feel worse because I shared a moment that only Hays and I knew about?

But aren't there always 'what if's and 'might's, Lia? You just have to know if it's worth the risk or not.

After all, they say it's better to talk to someone about what's going on in our minds. I mean, I've tried it before and I have felt better. I also encouraged Hayley, so it would be hypocritical of me if I don't follow the same advice.

 Hayley didn't follow it, and look at where she landed.

And since I never, ever, ever want to go down the path Hayley went - never, ever - I shouldn't follow what she did. 

So I should tell her.

Yet, sharing something so intimate to me, feels scary.

But Lia, it's the only way to get better.

But I have - Naana! So I don't have to tell Tina.

Yes, but he isn't in school, is he? I mean, what happened today? Did Naana comfort you? No. It was Tina who did.

I shake my head, trying to clear my thoughts. Rubbing my eyes, I come to the conclusion that I am the most indecisive person ever.

I look at the bright, cloudless skies, and close my eyes, savouring the warmth of the sun rays on my skin. The weather changes quite often here; sometimes it pours so heavily, while other times, like this, it's warm. Opening my eyes, I observe the students who walk through the grounds to the school vans, that are parked just outside the gate. Some of them laugh with their friends, their eyes shining with happiness and I smile at their happiness, silently wishing that I could be just like them - free. 

'Hey,' Tina says, giving me a smile, breaking my reverie. 'How are you doing? Much better?' She flops on the bench next to me.

'Yeah, much better.' I return the smile.

'I haven't been to the grounds for a long time.' She sighs, removing her backpack from her shoulders. 'What time does the netball team get here again?'

I look at my watch. 'They should be here in another half an hour – by two fifteen.' I know the timings because I usually go on the school bus, with Hays, which always comes late so until it comes, we used to hang around in the grounds.

I'm just going to tell her.