What She Left Behind

Chapter 7

Tina

Dear Hayley,

You know, a person usually starts a letter by asking how the recipient is and general questions about him/her. But now, I can't ask you that because you aren't here... and you never will be.

So I'll tell you about me. You'll understand. You always did. Everyone keeps asking how I am, how school is and just... a lot of questions and although, I keep saying that I'm fine and everything is great, it's not. And it won't be. As I keep writing this letter, I reminisce all the times in sixth grade when we wrote letters to each other. You were and are my only confidant and only you, will always be. I never told you everything though. But I did tell you a lot of things. 

I don't know why you committed suicide, Hays, and that keeps bugging me more than anything. Your absence never ceases to stir up an avalanche of tears and I... I cry, Hayley. I cry because of you. I really never thought this day would come.

Why did you do it, Hayley? Why? Did we do something? Did I do something? Was I not your friend, Hays? Weren't we all best friends? Because if we were, you'd have told us... but you didn't. We knew something was wrong when you stopped hanging out with us as often as you did. Even when you did come, it seemed like you weren't there at all. And... in some ways, Jess is acting just like this now. She's either super emotional or just... blank. 

I'm actually scared. What if... I can't bring myself to write it. I can't even... I... 

Hayley, what was going on? Why didn't you tell us? Weren't we close enough? Loyal enough? Trustworthy enough? Understanding enough? But then again, Lia knew. After all, she was the one who watched you fall. Why didn't Jess and I know, Hayley? What made us so different?

I didn't want to push you too much so I didn't question you about it a lot. Now I wish I did.

What happened, Hays? Why did you do it?

Jess... I need to look out for her. I can't lose her and I won't; I refuse to. I'm going to make sure she's okay. I'll follow her everywhere if I have to. I can't lose anyone else. I just can't. Lia... I have no idea. She doesn't answer my calls and texts and I'm starting to get really worried. It's been five days since she's been absent from school. I will have to pay a visit to her and I'm going to take Jess with me.

Some times, I'm kind of mad at you, Hays. You left us! One minute you were there and the next you were gone. Speaking of, I didn't know you cut yourself. In fact, I'm mad I didn't know anything! When did the cutting start? Why didn't you lean on us for comfort and help, Hays? You were our friend! We clearly weren't yours. It's just... unfair. How come Lia knew? Did you... did you doubt our friendship, Hays?

What was so wrong, Hays? Why did you take your life away? I thought you were happy. You always looked so happy and cheerful, and even your eyes – they didn't betray your inner plight. I thought I am good at reading people. I'm clearly not.

If I'm – we're – suffering like this, I can't even begin to imagine Emma's pain. But then again, she's ten. Does she feel for you as strongly as we do? Of course you guys are sisters and she would be hurt, but we - the four of us - were also like sisters. But, I have no idea how she's doing. I need to meet up with her as well. I just don't want anyone else dying. 

Will this pain get easier with time, Hays? Will this pain ever go away? Will this emptiness go away? I already know your answer though. You took your life which shows that your pain didn't lessen and that whatever you felt, didn't go away. But Hays, I believe that time heals everything; time helps us to at least, live with it. I guess... you just didn't stick around long enough. 

At times, it's like you're right here; but I can never imagine you perfectly at any moment because... you know my memory, right? You know my memory fades, right? You know that after some time, I can't conjure people's faces in my mind, right? Actually, not after some time. It's just almost all the time. I can only remember their face and picture them from a photograph. You know this, right? Wait... you don't. You don't know this. No one does. 

You don't know I forget them.

You don't know.

You don't know I'll forget you.

With love (and a lot of tears),

Tina. 

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

Hey! Today's update is early and on time. I have to upload as much as I can because I'm getting someone to review my book and so I want it to be at least three quarter done. 

By the way, this thing about not being able to picture people's faces - don't tell me it's unrealistic, because I have it.  Basically, I can't picture anyone's face except from a photo or a moment I vividly remember. But even then, I can't picture it in detail. I can only picture an face that is blurry and unfocused. I can grasp only an outline of how they look like. 

It's actually really hard to describe but I hope you got the gist of it :)

Next update should come in about... five days?