What She Left Behind

Chapter 9

Lia

I stab my pasta, again and again and again.

'If you don't want to eat it Lia, I will,' Naana grins to which I roll my eyes.

'You know, Ma, I think I'll stay home today. Maybe I'll go to school tomorrow.'

Dada does a facepalm while Mama sighs. Her voice is weak when she says, 'You're going to have to go to school someday, Honey, and you've taken almost two weeks off already.'

'Just one day more,' I beg, aware that this is a losing argument. 'I... I don't think I can do this.'

'I know you can, Lia. Believe in yourself!' he smiles. 'Come on.' Naana hands over my bag. 'Take it before I drop it.'

Groaning, I take my bag and follow Naana into the car.

I can do this. Just don't think about it, Lia.

The ride is too quiet, filling my head with thoughts of Hayley. My knee does not stop bouncing nor will the sheen of sweat on my forehead, stop collecting. I wipe my forehead with a tissue again, for the tenth time, and when I look up we're there.

We're here?

Naana smiles at me. 'Come on, Lia, you can do this.'

My throat is parched as I whisper, 'I can't.'

'No, you can.' Naana's determined look and his smile, encourages me. 

I nod my head.

I can.

I can do this.

When I step out of the car, the cold covers me, causing chills to run down my spine. I try to take a step to the familiar cream coloured building, but my feet remain glued to the floor.

Come on, lift it up.

I try again harder, more determined and finally sigh in relief when my feet move.

I can do this.

I take another step, and another, and another until I finally get to school. The corridors are filled with students carrying their backpacks, rushing to their classes before the bell rings.

'You're here!' A beaming Tina embraces me. 'I missed you so much.' I hug her back just as fiercely, almost as if I'm clutching onto her for support.

'Where's... Jess?' I ask, looking around.

I need to convince them.

'She... is in... class.'

'Tina! Tina, listen to me. I t-tried, Tina. I tried. But I couldn't stop her. I guess... I should have done more. I know I should have. I should have! But... I did all I could. Please, believe me. You have to believe me,' I say, squeezing her shoulders, desperately pleading for her to believe me.

She clasps my hands, staring at me, before murmuring, 'I know. I believe you. I don't blame you, okay?'

She doesn't blame me. 

I wait to feel relief, and to feel this... judgement made of me, fade away. I wait to feel the guilt dissipate and to feel free. But it doesn't come. 

Why?

Maybe I need to tell Jess. 

'We have to go. Come on.' Tina pushes me in the direction of my first class. 'Go on, Lia. What are you waiting for?'

'I... nothing.' I bite my lip, watching as Tina leaves until she disappears into the crowd. 

I can do this.

Can I?

Stepping into my class, I almost fall, the weight of my memories, trampling me. Economics has always been our favourite, mainly because the teacher is just so good and because this class holds our most fun memories. It is during Econ that we have fixed seats, which we loved, so I could close my eyes and walk to the chair I always sit - which was something I did once - being perfectly aware that Hays, who somehow always manages to come before me, is sitting right next to me. I look at her seat, which I know will be empty, but I'm surprised because I see someone - no, Hays, who's sitting there, waving me over, mouthing something I don't catch. My heart pounds and I almost - almost, beam, when I remember. 

This isn't real.

I close my eyes, count to ten and when I look again, she isn't there – her seat is empty. And I don't even know why my heart sinks, when I already know she's gone. I mean, I watched her die. Shouldn't this be easier for me to accept? 

Deep breaths, Lia.

In and out.

In and out.

In and out.

Ignoring the curious stares of my classmates, I walk over to my seat and sit down, a little shaky. I force myself to look ahead at the teacher, and will my knee to stop bouncing. I press myself to look straight ahead and not to shift my gaze to Hayley's seat.

Don't turn. Don't even look from your peripheral vision.  

Sweat collects on my shivering hands and then – the pencil falls. Everyone turns to me. Mumbling an apology, I pick the pencil up, tapping it against the table incessantly, ignoring annoyed stares. 

If it's so hard, then just look at her table, Lia!

No, no, no, Lia. Don't do it.

I know what will happen if I do so I refuse to look at Hays's table, compelling myself to pay attention to the lecture, when truly, nothing is being processed by my mind except for the conflicting voices in my head fighting, on whether to look or not look at Hayley's seat.  So when the bell rings, it's a relief and I'm the first one out, scrambling for all my things, rushing to the restroom as soon as I possibly can.

On the way there, I bump into at least three people but I don't care because I need to get to the restroom. When I get there, my throat burns as I vomit last night's food. Again and again, until nothing else comes out and then I fall on to the floor, drained; I can't stand; I have no energy.

It's too much.

After a while, I force myself to get up.

I can do this.

No, no I can't. But I must. 

Washing my face, I look at the mirror, feeling a little better only for my breath to be knocked right off me. I stand, frozen, and although my lungs screaming for relief, I can't breathe. 

In, Lia.

Breathe in.

Breathe!

But I can't; I can't do it. Not when Hayley's reflection stares right at me. 

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

Was I supposed to update yesterday? I thought I had to do it today, so for those who were waiting for yesterday's update - sorry *sheepish smile.

I'll update the next chapter earlier (^_^) which will In Sha Allah be on the 14th

How's this chapter? What are your thoughts? 

Please vote and comment if you like it. This is a reminder because I always forget to do this. Am I alone in this? *looks around