S A R A

Ch 17

17

At home, I was in my own world. I barely ate a thing during dinner, and my parents noticed, asking me if I was all good.

Of course, I just brushed it off with high school ending, graduation tomorrow, etc. I still haven't really figured out how I was going to get away on this little plane ride Haden spoke of, and where we were going anyway.

On one hand, it was a little bold. I've known him for 4 months, but there was a large gap in between, technically we were together for only two weeks, and today.

A week and thirteen days in contact... On the other hand, it just felt so right, it felt like the right thing. It felt like I haven't been so sure of something in a long time.

Especially when I've committed to going to college, but not internally, not yet. I always felt like there has to be something more out there, and I had a fear of missing it. I almost didn't want to be average, this probably stemming from my loneliness in school leading to want something more than regularity.

Either way, I was so giddy, all evening and of course I couldn't stop thinking about our kiss. It was just a kiss before we both had to go, but it was perfect. Kissing Haden felt like the most natural thing in the world, maybe because I like him.

I kissed a guy at a party once where it was just that, and it was awkward and terrible. I was so self-aware and we didn't fit and it was nothing like me and him. I did that in the past 4 months, stupid little things like that, in a pathetic attempt to get over Haden only to make me feel even worse about it all.

But now I felt like I had wings and I could FLY.

Lying in bed, I replayed the whole scenario in my head about 50 times before unnoticeably drifting off into a sweet sleep, filled with the dream of his arms.

***

The phone was ringing. Why wasn't anyone picking up the phone.

"Pick it up!" I yell to no one in particular, there seems to be no one around and I don't know where it's coming from. It only gets louder, and louder.

I open my eyes, realizing that the sound of my arm clock transcended into my sleep.

8:30AM. I blinked, and it all came back to me, pure happiness.

I dipped only a foot out of my blanket and slowly got up onto my fluffy carpet. I stretched out my arms and involuntarily ended up yawning. My cat - my sister's cat - the family cat (she bought him in college and gave him to us three months later when she left to travel overseas) opened the door with his head and came to rub up against my legs, looking for attention.

I kneeled over to pet him, and paused for a moment, enjoying the warm sun on my face, seeping in through the bay window. I realized this was the first morning in months where I felt, happy. Where my last memory of him was a positive one.

Stepping out to go to the bathroom, my brother came out of his room at the same time and I said hey I'm going in, and he said no I am, and I said whatever. We had a race, he won. Unbelievable. I sat back on my bed waiting for him to be finished. While I waited, I went on my phone.

I turned on, a Haden Rand song, I know I said I wasn't going to be a fan girl, but I couldn't help it when his voice sounded so damn good. It made me squirm with delight. I was singing along lightly, both our voices blending together, thinking how wonderful it would be if we tried it.

When I looked up from Tumblr, my brother was peering into my room.

"I was just gonna say I'm done, the bathroom's yours...hey what was that you were playing?"

"Nothing." Ugh, too defensive. "Just a song."

"Are you blushing?" He laughed, "please tell me you're not going back to your boy band phase, are you?"

"What? No! Leave." I sauntered past him and went into the bathroom, locking the door behind me. I closed my eyes and breathed out a sigh of relief, leaning against the door.

This made me think, I would have to tell my family somehow, sometime, soon.

To be honest, I didn't know why I was keeping it away from them. I didn't really hide anything from them. But perhaps in the past I didn't have too...It was just that this almost felt fragile, so much so that if I went around telling people, something would happen when everybody found out.

It's my family, they wouldn't hurt me. But the fact that it's my family felt like it would almost be embarrassing for some reason.

***

I curled my hair and put on the white dress I bought specifically for graduation. I put in barely any effort lately into my appearance when he was gone, but this was the one thing I let myself have.

Graduation was today, and with my sister flying in, my whole family was going be together. I wasn't sure when Haden wanted to leave, but I almost felt a little guilty for what I was about to do. I had this sudden and overwhelming feeling of doubt wash over me, fear. I used to feel this with my music from time to time, with my dreams. it's the one monster that I have had to fight and I did - I had no choice. I tried to distract myself.

I reflected on high school, on how young I still was yet how much time has gone by. I wanted so much for my juvenile self. Did I achieve it? I achieved a lot on one hand...AP classes, good marks, music, (even Haden) but at the same time I feel like I haven't achieved anything at all, not much that I wanted anyway. I was glad for this chapter of my life to be over. The last two weeks especially felt like they were never going to end, until they did.

All this contemplating was making me hungry, and I think my parents were kind of actually proud of me, so we all agreed on stopping by In-n-Out, my favorite and the classic California burger joint. It was also kind of a tradition whenever we're by LAX, which is where we were going to pick up my sister and then straight to my good ol' high school for grad.

After food, we left the car in a parking garage and went outside to wait for her. Above me, planes were zooming by, one after the other. Looking up, I though it was only a matter of time until Haden and I were up there, on the sky roads, together.

It was when I heard my sister's voice that I snapped back into reality.

"Hello, family!" she announced, suitcase in hand, me holding her burger to go.

"Giselle!" I squealed as I ran in for a hug, getting embraced by her signature Dior scent and polished nail shellac. "I missed you!" I really did, after not seeing her for months.

"I missed you too baby. Look at you, you've grown. You look, older." She sized me up, and I smiled.

There are many times that we had arguments, especially since we started developing our individual personalities. She was her own entity, but I still loved her. Even though some of our phone conversations ended in anger and missed expectations.

As my whole family got their round of hugs we got in the car, and to the sound of the radio in the sunshine, we slid into the highway and on to the next chapter of my life.

Driving in the car, it felt like you had the world in your hands. I had blue skies, speed, and a heart full of hope. I felt happy. And I couldn't help but wonder how long it would last.