stray kids | 9th member

73 ~ eccedentesiast

eccedentesiast(n); someone who hides pain behind a smile

y/n's pov

new year's eve hit different. after days of being myself again- well as me as i could be -i was growing comfortable in my skin again. or so i thought. my surroundings were the dorm, the studio and the practise room with the boys. nowhere else, no one else.

so when i exited the elevator to the rooftop only to be stared at by everyone, my confidence dropped. my once held high head was now facing the ground as i scooted behind hyunjin's tall and broad body, shielding me from the stares. "i don't want to be here anymore" i whispered to him as we continued to our reserved table. "let them look y/n. they're not judging, they're admiring you're bravery" he said, holding my hand in reassurance.

as the night went on, i didn't leave our table. not once. i was too scared to even look at anyone other than stray kids. "y/n cmon and dance, you've been here all night and been dazing into nothing for about 10 minutes now" felix said as he tried to pull me off my chair. "no felix, i'm not up for it tonight" i muttered. "well you have just over 3 minutes to lift that spirit. it's almost 2020" and with that he left to dance with the others.

2020, wow. a new year. a new decade. this meant a new me. it sounds cliche and dumb but 'new year new me' is definitely happening this year. i want to change. i want to be happy. i want to stop living in fear. i want to stop flinching or jumping every time someone touches me. i want to wake up peacefully and not in a sweat while gasping for air. i want the members to live their lives without worrying about me. i want hyunjin to sleep all through the night without having to comfort me back to sleep. i want to hold my head high in the company's hallways, not hide so no one sees me. i want to show that i'm strong, that i'm brave. i want to change. i want to change for stray kids, for stay, but most importantly, i'm changing for me.

"cmon baby, it's almost countdown time" hyunjin came up to me and held his hand out for me to grab. i took his hand and we walked to our members to join the group huddle.

"okay guys, 2019 started great and ended rough. i want 2020 to start great and end even better. this tour needs new mindsets, we all need to be happy and excited to do this, for stay and for ourselves. we had a christmas miracle and it's only up from here" chan spoke proudly. "let's make 2020 our year!"

"10!" we shouted together and held on to each other tighter.

"9!"

"8!"