Leap (of faith)

6th chapter

Viktor walked around his hometown like he was in a dream. He did not notice which buildings or streets he was passing. Everything was a fog. Everything was far and unfamiliar. It was as if he was seeing the stadium, where he trained every day, for the first time. As if he had never passed by that bus station before. The bus station where he would wait for a bus every day in high school. As if he had never seen the bakery where he would drop by every morning to get meat burek. The people passing him by were just a moving blur of color he was noticing with the corner of his eye. His heart pounded deep in his throat, and there was buzzing in his ears. He struggled with every breath.

Pregnant? He was not ready for that; he had not even thought about it. There was no place in his mind for such a thought. Kids were a terrible hassle. He was not ready to dedicate his life to someone else. He had plans. He planned to work abroad, expand his business, emerge into the business world, and stand side by side with great employers. He wanted fame, money, and power. He wanted fancy lunches and gala dinners. He wanted sophisticated weekend getaways and powerful cars. He wished to share it all with his friends. Hell, he did not really want a baby at all.

He was watching some high school students playing basketball. Lucky them. Not a single worry on their mind. Certainly not even close compared to how he was feeling at that moment. How did this happen? And why me? I should have been smarter. In fact, she should have been! The enormous burden that fell on him made him feel rage towards Nora. How can one woman allow herself to end up in this situation? Didn't she count those fertile days? Take care of some contraception? Actually, how did they got to the point that he did not even know what protection they were using? Man, it obviously served them well until now. Maybe it was not absolutely confirmed yet? Then again, she would not have told him if she was not sure. She probably also did not like this situation. Maybe she wanted to have an abortion? For goodness sake, he did not even know what her stand on any of that was. It did not really matter; he should also have some say in it. What if he wanted her to have an abortion? She could not oppose him. He touched his forehead; he was feeling feverish as drops of sweat started running down his temples. The same thoughts kept going through his head again and again. And again. The panic did not ease up.

The next thought shook him to his core. What if Nora wanted this to happen? What if she did it on purpose? She is not getting any younger. Her girlfriends probably kept mentioning it. They all wanted to get married. Maybe she thought this was her last chance. She used him. And now she was laughing and gloating with them. How knew how many poor guys ended up like this. Damn women. Like spiders, they weave their nets around men. He shook his head; he needed to calm down. He got up and continued wandering the streets. His legs were still making his body follow. Annoyingly, he kept running into couples with strollers and small babies. Whenever he would see them, it seemed as if they had opened their mouths wide open, threatening to swallow him. He would rush to the other side of the street, hoping to run away from them. He reached his high school and entered the playground behind it. He sat on a tall well at the foot of an old oak tree. He did not know which was older, the well or the oak, but both had been there as long as the school, as some sort of a trademark. It was a gathering place during recesses, before afternoon matches, and nights out. Mostly for seniors. They earned it with their status, and the rest of the "kids" enviously watched them flaunting during recesses while fantasizing about the time that "honor" would befall them as well. He stared at the carved names on the oak. Three hearts. "Fran and Vanja" in one, "Ivan and Ivana" in the second, "Viktor and Tatijana" in the last, biggest heart. His brain rewound back to ten years ago. To the time he was a high school senior.

*

- Catch it! – Fran threw him a beer. The high school was nearing its end, as was the hot May. The principal could not deal with them any longer; everybody's minds were somewhere else, far from this school. They all felt awfully grown up and important. Viktor heard a familiar, pleasant sound of opening a beer can and took a few long, cold sips. He looked at his friend.

- Don't we usually start a little bit later?

- Yes, usually... But today we need it right from the morning – Ivan joined them, their third friend. They did not go anywhere without each other. They have been in the same class for twelve years. They played football together. They went out together. Together they were carousing around, and they were even planning a collective vacation that summer. They lived in a kind of symbiosis. Not a day went by without them seeing each other.

- What's up, old sport! – Ivan slapped Fran across his back and lay back next to them. They were lying at the foot of the oak tree, pushing their feet against the well.

- Where's my beer, comrade?

- I have told you a hundred times that I am not going answer to you calling me that. You just have to annoy me from the start, ha? I'm completely fucked up as it is.

- What is it? Vanja made you angry? – Viktor and Ivan grinned, provoking him.

- I wish... Something worse.

Ivan was grumpily murmuring and playing with some twig, drawing different shapes in the dust.

- Come on, spill it out, you're acting like a woman! Do we have to use force to get it out of you? – Ivan had a really short fuse. Viktor laughed so hard his beer came out of his nose; he was coughing for ten minutes before coming around.

- Vanja thinks she's pregnant.

Silence.

- What you say?

Ivan's jaw dropped to the floor. Viktor stopped his beer can halfway to his mouth.

- Pregnant? – Viktor repeated, in case he heard it wrong. Fran just nodded and kept staring at the dust.

- Oh boy, comrade...

Ivan rested his head on the oak and closed his eyes. Neither knew what to say to their friend.

- Well. You've been together for a long time. Certainly not the first ones that this has happened to. Both of you have finished school. You will find a job.

- That's what I was thinking, too; I'm not going to walk out on her for sure.

Viktor looked at his friend. He had never looked sullener or more serious.

- But then again, everything we have planned will be ruined... - Ivan punched him in the shoulder, making him stop himself half-sentence.

- What the hell is wrong with you? – he whispered to him. – Shut the fuck up!

- I know, but again, I've been thinking. I've been planning on marrying her anyway. And can you imagine, we created a little human, together. As much as I am scared, I'm also in awe. If you get me.

They smoked a cigarette, reached the bridge, and went their separate ways.

Viktor had been thinking about Fran's situation for a week, and as much as he tried, he saw nothing positive there. He thought his friend was just feeling sorry for himself, while Viktor wanted for the situation to be dealt with.

- Guys, false alarm! – Fran flew into the garage, where Viktor and Ivan were repairing some old motorcycle.

- She's not pregnant! She was late because of some inflammation – Fran was as happy as a sandboy.

- Well, congratulations, comrade! – Ivan slapped him on the back.

- Way to go, you dodged a bullet! – Viktor wholeheartedly smiled.

- Yeah, but it would've been interesting to see what'd happen... – Fran sat back on the couch and put his feet up on the table. It was Viktor's grandfather's old garage. Now, it was behind the main barn where his father kept large repair machines. They worshiped that garage; it was their space, and no one ever bothered them there.

*

He flinched at the sound of a motorcycle. He was still sitting alone at the old well. Only now he was in his own worst nightmare. Now there was no Fran that Viktor could feel sorry for; now, he only felt sorry for himself.