Beautifully Broken

The bigger they are the harder they fall.

Alana POV

It's been a month since I moved in. I'm adjusting to my new school, I'm getting used to having Carson and Chase around the house, getting used to the house in general. The impromptu wrestling matches are still confusing sometimes and can be quite terrifying. Thankfully the only collateral damage was one of Jenifer's lamps, a coffee table, a few plates, and one sprained arm. Thankfully Carson wasn't out for the entire cross country season.
Jennifer always worries when we go for a run, or to play basketball, or soccer. Both the boys get really rough at whatever sport they play, so no one is allowed to play any Varsity contact sports. Jenifer has been trying to get me to join a sport with the boys, but I've been hurt too many times. It's always the same cycle. I try out for the team, I make the team, I make friends, I feel like I belong occasionally I even get a little popular. I find out I need to move, I leave, I feel like I let everybody down. It's always the same thing, over and over again. "Alana, I think you would enjoy cross country with Carson and Chase."
"I'm sure I would Jenifer, but I can't. I just want to get used to living here a little bit more first."
"What sports do you enjoy? I know your school has Track, Cross country, Cheer, Tennis" I must have cracked a small smile when she said cheer. "Are you a cheerleader?"
"My mom had me in gymnastics when I was really little, then one of my foster homes put me in gymnastics for a while when I was ten. I did cheer for a while, but that was two foster homes ago."
"What other sports do you do? You need to join a club or something." I sit there and think for a minute. I hear the door open behind us. "Mom, we're home!"
"Boys, come in here!" The boys slowly enter the kitchen where I'm sitting at the counter talking to Jenifer. "I want you to take Alana on your run with you tomorrow." I must have looked a little shocked and betrayed. "Mom are you sure she wants to come?"
"Yea, I'll go it will be nice to run again." Carson smiles at me.

That goes on for about two weeks. I'm sitting on my bed watching Netflix when I hear a knock on my door. "Come in" I yell as I see the door open and Chase peaks his head in. "So, Alana are you planning on trying out for cross country?" He says as he walks into the room, leaving the door open behind him. "I thought the season already started?"
"No, we don't start until next week. Tryouts are Monday, are you coming?"
"No, I can't."
"Why not?" He asked as he comes and wraps his arm around my back. I shake my head. "You're fast enough. You can keep up with Carson and I and we compete for spot two and three on the boys' team. I know your grades are good enough."
"How are you so sure of that?"
"Because you're smart." He takes his other hand and brushes the black hair out of my face. "You are smart and beautiful, I hear all the boys talking about it."
"Really!" I say getting excited, I feel a simile and a slight blush creep onto my face. "Yes, so I know your smart, your beautiful, your athletic, why aren't you running cross country with Carson and I?" I take another deep breath as I feel the smile slowly fade. "Alana please talk to me."
"I just can't, okay." I look at my door and see Carson standing there. "See, Chase you didn't close the door, now Carson's here too." I cross my arms "Alana tell us what's wrong, we're friends right?"
"Yea, I guess."
"Do you want to run cross country with your friends?"
"Well, Yea."
"Then why aren't you trying out?"
"What if I'm not good enough?" Carson sits on the other side of me. "That's not a reason, you already know you're good enough," Carson says. "We've already had that discussion tonight. Something else is bothering you." They both stare at me in complete silence for a solid three minutes. "Fine, I don't want to let you down."
"How could you ever let us down, it's all about having fun, besides your just as fast as Chase and I, it wouldn't be hard to make the team."
"I don't want to let you down, I don't want to let the team down, I don't want to let the school down."
"Alana, what are you talking about." Carson says as he grabs my hand "Please talk to me." I shake my head. "I feel like this might be a two-person conversation, I'm gonna bow out," Chase says before he gets up and leaves the room, he closes the door behind him on the way out. Carson lets go of my hand and moves his arm by my back. I lay my head on his shoulder. He tenses up for a second before he relaxes. "Will you tell me, please? Will you let me in?" I sigh. "I don't want to let anyone down."
"Alana I don't understand how you could, we'll love you no matter what."
"I don't want to get attached." He looks at me confused. "I've done sports at two of my other foster homes. I end up having to leave in the middle of a season, I let everyone down. I used to do cheer, we were on our way to State for middle school cheer, a week before the competition I had to move homes. It wasn't my foster family's choice, but they found a home that could take me and my brother. They wanted to try and put us back together."
"Your brother?"
"Yea, I have an older brother named Parker. He is... 16? I think. I might be wrong though, it's been a while since I've seen or talked to him."
"Did you get to go back with your brother?"
"No, the placement fell through for him. They ended up only taking me." He hugs me a little bit tighter. I lay my head back on his shoulder. "You will never let us down, as long as you try Mom and Dad will love you for it."
"If I had a dime for every time I've heard that." I say with a laugh, "Yea. Well, here it's true." His blue eyes look into mine, trying to get through the walls of defense I have built up around everything. Every emotion, every thought perfectly organized and locked up, the only things I can control in my life. Perfectly locked up and carefully contained. I don't know how, but somehow he has a key.