Promise to Sirius (An Utapri / Uta no Prince-sama Fanfiction)

Chapter 57: Catharsis / Touch

Camus

Just like the butterfly's wings, his tears had fallen. Just like the snow sinking down a cold night, more tears were falling. Dyes in the silent night were dribbling down from a once-united kaleidoscope, colours flashing and near blinding, on the verge of being painful. It was bearing its weakness under the shameful stare of the white lamplight, having been broken to the extreme of being unable to conceal it away for a moment longer. As much as he wished it was not so, as much as he did not wish to admit it, Camus was at his weakest. He, who had concealed his weaknesses and shortcomings behind his pride, was trapped in his own vulnerability as tears quietly slipped down his cold face, his mind uncertain what to say or do, his heart uncertain as to what to feel.

How shameful it felt... to bare his own weakness in front of them.

The kaleidoscope had been shattered, and the wings of the lone, fallen butterfly had changed colour. It had been yellow under the glowing buildings of a night's colourful metropolis; green under the ever-changing lights of the Ferris Wheel; crimson amidst the smouldering flames of their former living room; and lavender in a heart-wrenching car journey to a professor's laboratory. And now it was vividly ice-blue - his colour - gleaming painfully with a truth that he had not wanted to unravel this way. His fingers twining tighter with one of the two hands resting on his stomach, Camus kept his head lowered, attempting to form the right words to say, attempting to figure out what to say and where to even begin.

"He has no soul."

Was this how the four of them had felt when they were at their most vulnerable points? Whether they were being held in a tight embrace, alone in the heart's hollow abyss, engulfed by flames or drowned in tides?

"How pitiful. How unwanted."

He knew for certain that he must look absolutely pathetic, with his pride tossed away, his confidence dissipated, words such as "I am fine" rendered useless.

"There is no room here for a brat that might as well be considered an orphan, with neither parent actually looking after him. He has no home. He never will."

Moreover, he could not even begin to fathom the thoughts and images sifted through in his friends' heads seeing him like this, when he could not even-

"Come here."

A voice that was normally gruff was now quieter as Camus felt a hand push the back of his head lightly and allow him to bury his face into a firm shoulder. "You don't have to be ashamed, ya know. We've all been in this position and no one had any right to judge. None of us are judging you, ya know, Camus." Clenching his teeth, Camus felt a lump stuck in his own throat as Natsuki hugged him a little tighter and Ranmaru began carding his fingers through his platinum-blond hair, his body letting out tremors. "Just like you had let me before, just like you had let Natsuki, Reiji and Ai last time, let it all out. Even if it's a whole flood of tears, let every drop of it go. Even the strongest people need to have a good cry from time to time and if you asked us, it's way past due time you had yours. So no need to hold back, got it?"

Normally, Camus would argue back if Ranmaru made any form of attempt to lecture him. However, at this very moment, Camus had neither the capacity nor willpower to do so. As he allowed his head to rest on Ranmaru's shoulder, he felt one hand squeeze his right shoulder and another hand running up and down his back in a slow, rhythmic pace, recognizing those gestures to be Reiji and Ai's, respectively. Somehow it made the urge to cry even stronger, and his hands that were not holding anything or anyone quivered on his sides. As Camus strained to recompose himself, Ranmaru heaved out an exhale and spoke.

"I know that I ain't the most outwardly affectionate of this group - not even close. But this time, I'm gonna say it, so listen loud and clear, Camus. You're our family, you know. As much as we fight a lot, I wouldn't have it any other way and I know for a fact that Reiji, Natsuki and Ai wouldn't either. You're our brother, for goodness' sake! We love you, Camus. I love you."