Promise to Sirius (An Utapri / Uta no Prince-sama Fanfiction)

Prologue 1: Natsuki

Natsuki Shinomiya

"I need your love..."

The gentle, sorrowful words flowed inside Natsuki's head as he wrote them down for the umpteenth time on the sheet of paper that was supposed to be a draft for a song rather than a page that was mostly filled with a repetition of the same four words over and over again. He had the melody, the emotions, the rhythm, but somehow he felt like he lacked something, like he was missing a piece of glass that was needed to complete a window to a brand new scenery. And he felt like what he lacked was amidst those four words. Those four simple words that tugged onto the strings of Natsuki's heart like they were those of the viola that he had been playing ever since a little boy. Ever since the times when he actually felt like he was a whole, like he completely knew who he was, all of his smiles, doubts and truths.

Whose love... am I talking about? Natsuki mentally whispered.

He knew that he was loved and treasured by his fellow Starish members, Syo, Otoya, Tokiya, Cecil, Masato and Ren, all whom he deeply loved and cherished from the bottom of his heart. He knew that his senpais, Ai, Reiji, Ranmaru and Camus, cared about him, although most of them did not usually show it, and he loved them too. He knew that his family who had raised him and always been there for him loved him more than anyone else, and he always kept them in his heart. He knew that he had fans who would type encouragements and praises for him whether he uploaded a photo or video on their group's main account on social media, he was performing for them in a concert, or he and his friends had just released a new album or song. But he could not help but feel as though there was someone else that he had yet to know about. 

Someone who had always protected him even though he had no clue as to who it was. Someone who had been there even though Natsuki had never seen him or her face-to-face before. Natsuki had originally thought that he was imagining things, but the suspicions and emotions only grew stronger as time passed by, as he sharpened his musical talents. He felt like whoever it was had been protecting him when he was too weak to overcome his struggles, and although it should be consoling Natsuki, it somehow only saddened him, though he could not explain why. And to make Natsuki even more confused, there had been countless of times when he'd just blank out and then have no idea what had happened before he lost his focus. One minute he'd be talking to Syo or the others and the next thing he knew was that he was staring into space, unable to recall why he was doing so in the first place. During those times, a part of his heart would ache, like he had done something to cause pain, but he was confused as to why. One thing that he was sure about himself was that he would never try to hurt anyone, regardless if they had hurt him before. But if so... 

Then why did he feel this much pain and sorrow?

Why-

"Natsuki? You're still up?"

"Oh, Syo-chan!" Natsuki exclaimed, instinctively pushing the paper in between the pages of his notebook as his roommate, Syo Kurusu, yawned and rubbed his eyes. "I was trying to write a song."

"Oh, how is it going?" Syo asked, slightly more awake now.

"Uh... I'm a bit stuck now."

Syo let out a light chuckle. "That's alright, Natsuki. Writing a song can be a bumpy ride, right?" He laid his head back down on his pillow and smiled lightly at Natsuki. "Just stop for now and go to bed, Natsuki. It'll be a long day tomorrow and we don't wanna get yelled at by our dance instructors, right?"

Natsuki laughed and gave the younger boy a nod. "You're right. Thanks, Syo-chan."

"Goodnight, Natsuki."

"Sweet dreams, Syo-chan."

Once Syo had fallen back to sleep, Natsuki quietly slipped the sheet of paper out of the notebook and read the same line again. "I need your love." He didn't quite want to show this to Syo or the others just yet. A part of him felt like it was rather personal; the rest of him thought that it would be better for him to tell them about it after he figured things out on his own first. And on the back of his mind, he thought that he would be worrying about them or that they would find it extremely bizarre, and Natsuki did not want that. He wanted them to keep smiling and laughing no matter what. That was why he never said a word about this, or about the hate messages that he often read from fans that liked everyone else in the group but hated him, or about how weak he felt deep within his heart and wished to be stronger, but couldn't really figure out how. The warmth of their love had been propelling him forward all this time, but he felt like his flaws were becoming more and more apparent and he was failing to overcome them. Letting out a soft sigh, Natsuki folded the paper and tucked it in between the pages of his notebook before calling it a day and going to bed.

Why... can't I understand...?

"I pledge

I need your love"

- "Promise to Sirius", by Natsuki Shinomiya (Kishou Taniyama)