Promise to Sirius (An Utapri / Uta no Prince-sama Fanfiction)

Chapter 63: Shadow of Stars

Reiji Kotobuki

"I want to be forgotten.

"Lay me down under the cold blue moonlight and let the darkness swallow me alive and make me disappear until not a single trace remains. Close your eyes and divert your mind away from me and towards everything and anything else you can think of, be it as red as the wounds that my flaws have torn open, as white as the flower petals that I have yet to scar forever. Empty your heart out of all that I have made you feel, even the happiness, even the warmth, because once you fall deeper into me, it will all fade into the cold if you have not wished it gone. Because it is better to have a completely hollow heart that is free to fill itself with any warm colour that it wishes to have, rather than a heart that will later wish to snap its own strings apart like it were a soulless instrument.

"So please... make me disappear."

Raising the card to the blue moonlight, Reiji quietly observed how the card, just like the moon itself, changed depending on what light was shining over it, on the gazes that fell upon it. Gazes that may burn in an attempt to smother it to ashes, light that may glow in an attempt to dissolve it until it could not be seen by anything or anyone.

"Like the illusion of cards and flowers, let me disappear into the hollow night, never to resurface ever again... please."

Reiji did not dare to even imagine what society would be like if everyone had the ability to disappear with the mere snap of their fingers or the flicks of their wrists, like a magician conjuring up an illusion that would leave watchful eyes baffled, chills dripping down his spine at the mere prospect of how many people would really disappear if it was that cruelly easy to do when it should never be easy or even considered in the first place. And I was one of the people who ever thought that it would be better if they themselves died. Heaving out a quiet sigh, Reiji fell back onto his and Natsuki's shared bed, his head sinking against the white pillow, thoughts dipped in cold ink swimming inside his head like abandoned cards floating on the river.

He did not mean to start thinking of the topic of suicide or death of all things - he truly did not. But that prologue that he had written for the new story arc of QUARTET NIGHT's main project echoed inside his head and memories and thoughts had risen from the darkest crevices of his heart like ashes. He had been writing it while listening together with Natsuki, who had been working on song compositions and lyrics for the group, to the more sorrowful and melancholic songs that the quintet had sang, whether it was a solo, group song or unit song, and amidst all the words and melodies, the pain came welling up like cold moonlight, silent yet near suffocating. Lowering the arm that had been holding the card, Reiji curled into himself, hugging his star plushie as he tried to shut the broken thoughts out, words such as illusion, disappear, and forgotten shuddering through him like rippling curtains that he was too terrified to peek through.

Why do I feel like I've just woken up from a cold dream... when my eyes have been open this whole time...?

I want to die, one of the most painful lines that he had uttered while playing a character near identical to himself resonated like a shrill sound into the night as he shrunk a little more, his head trying to focus on something else, anything else, other than the darkness that should not be there but still was.

I know that I have thought of disappearing before and believed that maybe I should, but that was a long time ago. His heart was thumping unsteadily in the dimly lit room and his eyes dilated at an all-too familiar silhouette disappearing into the blinding light. I don't want to disappear. I really don't. I don't want anyone to disappear from me. Take those flower petals, take all the cards on the deck, take all of it away... but don't take them away from me... please don't take them away. I'd always been so afraid of that happening, so afraid of closing then opening my eyes only to find them gone...