accompanied | billie eilish

fourteen

billie

it's the middle of the night,

of our last night in the villa.

i've actually really enjoyed myself. everyone i've stayed with is really cool, including aria's siblings, and if we didn't have upcoming tour dates i wouldn't mind staying longer honestly. aria promised me we can all come back in the spring though.

speaking of aria-

i hear her breathing unevenly as she shifts in the bed near mine yet again.

"you're awake, aren't you," i whisper softly, and hear a groan.

"i just want to sleep but my dumb head isn't letting me again," she mumbles. even in the dark i can tell she looks really cute right now.

"talk to me about your dumb head," i say softly.

she sighs. "music. music playing in my head, all the time. five or six or seven different songs, all at once, over the top of each other. and i think so many things all at once that they make like this buzzing noise? and on bad days that just drowns everything out. and the individual thoughts get so big that it's kind of like they're drowning out the world and i can't think about anything else."

my heart aches for her.
"that sounds really shitty," i say quietly. "it also sounds kinda serious. have you spoken to a professional about it?"

she sighs.
"yeah. back when i was like, sixteen. they gave me a diagnosis, actually."

i'm quiet, waiting for her to go on.

"i'm a dissociative," she whispers, and a lot clicks into my place in my head.

i still don't say anything, and after a few more moments she keeps speaking.

"when i look into the mirror it doesn't feel like i'm the one looking back. this... this body, it's not me, you know? the me inside is something that isn't limited to a body. and it makes me sad that so many people who see me as a member of the vision judge me, based off of my appearance rather than the art i've created or my worth as a person."

"i think you're a beautiful person," i say softly. "on the inside, as well as on the outside. being so colourful and interesting as a person makes the you inside far superior to your body. i understand."

"and being a celebrity doesn't help," she sighs. "you of all people should get this bit. i love sharing my art but being objectified the way that the public objectify me-"

"-having hundreds of thousands of strangers looking at photos of your face and your body, and judging you. every day," i whisper.

"exactly. it just makes me feel like even more of a stranger to myself."

"i might not get it on your level. but i get it," i reassure her.

"thank you," she says quietly. "seriously. it's not your job to be my fuckin... therapist or whatever. so, thanks."

"aria, i'll listen to you talk anytime. i will always be here for you," i tell her seriously, and i couldn't mean it more.

after a while i hear her breathing pattern slowly regulate as she drifts into sleep;

i lie still, staring at the patterns on the ceiling growing slowly lighter as the sun begins to rise outside,

thinking intangible thoughts
and feeling impossible feelings.

~~~

LMFAO I HAVE PLANS I SWEAR THINGS WILL GET INTERESTING SOON