Eternal Love: Beynika Oneshots

Senses VII

I don't want to hide, I don't want to hide
I don't want to shy from you, no
I don't want to lie, I don't want to lie
And say that I don't want you
_______

The flute distributed beautiful notes - expressing the words that I couldn't form - through pitchy, methodical sounds. My toes curled in the air as my stomach sank due to my poor air control. I had no business being in this position, fondling the strings of my heart with every breath that I breathed into the slender rectangular instrument.

For the life of me, I couldn't get ahold of my emotions. My ability to grasp my emotions fell miserably short, leaving me with displaced feelings and wild thoughts. The tears that stained the covers beneath me were foreign. If anyone had asked, I wouldn't be able to tell them why I was releasing them.

Aside from the fact that the death of my friend weighed insanely heavy on my heart and left me emotionally impaired, I had no other reason to cry. Maybe that was it. Maybe that was my reason. Impairment. She'd disabled me. Numbed me. And, I hadn't felt a single thing until her.

Suddenly, my soul was tied. My body was rocked. My world was beautiful. My darkness was dissolved. My heart didn't hurt. And, that - for me - was an issue. All of the feelings I needed to feel, the darkness I was supposed to run to and hide, were gone.

"I'm scared." My thoughts sounded through my lips as I removed the flute from my mouth with a heavy sigh. My chest heaved as I closed my eyes and accepted the clarification. "I'm scared."

My blaring phone helped me part with my thoughts. Sluggishly, I reached for the device, pulled it up until it was hovering over my face and peered at the screen. Another call. It was the third one in the last week. The week before, the same.

Please, I begged, closing my eyes and praying for the freedom my heart needed to mourn. I'd lost my friend for Christ's sake. Before her presence and her words repairs the fuzziness projected onto me, I wanted to hurt. I needed to hurt.

Her interference was counterproductive to my healing and I just wanted him gone. I wanted to forget the night we had. Forget her. It was impossible, but I'd be damned if I hadn't been trying.

Yet, each time I closed my eyes with thoughts of her at the forefront, I could feel her inside of me digging for gold as if our lives depended on her discovery. I could hear her, casting love spells on me and demanding my troubles flee at once. I could sense her trying to make me better. Trying to make me whole again, but I was everything but.

I'd been split into many little pieces when she died. Honestly, I wanted to remain unglued. Undefined. Being broken felt more accurate than being better, because being better meant that I was okay with her death. It meant that I'd moved on, and I hadn't. I was still here, miserable and stuck. Unable to move.

This was my comfort zone. The silence and the darkness. The light he brought to my world in one night pulled me further from Mina than I wanted to be. I needed this feeling that I currently soaked in. It kept me close to her. It kept me grounded.

Finally, the ringing stopped, freeing me from confinement. She had a way of doing that, condemning me from a distance and keeping herself locked inside of my head for hours on end. And that, too, was the reason I couldn't contain the emotions that surrounded me. She had me by the soul, the heart and the pussy.

Under different circumstances, I would welcome her charm, but her potential to be my everything frightened the hell out of me. Because, if she was my pleasure, than it meant she'd serve as my pain as well. I couldn't take another human tearing me to shreds, again, not after Mina. I was completely undone.