A Romantic Vision

Jinxed

We are jinxed.
I feel guilty and also embarrassed. He tells me later that I shouldn't feel anything because I have nothing to do with it.
I feel sorry, I say sorry but he rejects.

I ask him after five days "Did mother knew of this? "

He nodded.

"What did she do then? " I asked in hope

"Made sure all this time that I do not speak of this to you"

Guilt paints me blue.

Why did father do this?
I cried, was there any repentance?
The world is shaken.
I have a call from the hospital, they ask if I have formulated my plans for the IVF.

I tell them I need time.

To mother a child of the man my father had ruined...

I looked at Timur, he tries to solve this, he says my father was very sorry and he has forgiven him.  He also said he repents.  I look at him trying to understand if it is for him or myself that he consoles.

He finally said he cannot escape this and I should look at him with Pity or my father with contempt.
He spent twelve years to keep this a secret and now when it was with me, I should not poke it. 

"It is like you're making fun of me! This is uncomfortable, I cannot bear you looking at me like this... You dont hate your father, do you?  Go away"

I do not know what that meant.
I don't recognize what anything means.

My mother called some four and a half months later to my father being very ill.  I rushed with Timur.
Instantly almost I cradled his head on my lap, I fed him with my own hands.  Only when my eyes fell upon Timur I realised I truly do not hate my father... In my defence: Only because he is my father.

"I do not expect you to hate him.  I once loved my father too" he said.

I saw Timur shrink with fear or memories of fear in his presence. I feel hard to calculate how I should be.
I breath but I inadequate to live.

I escape to the garden and saw the other mansion, the lilies all subsided.
I tell Timur we should leave, father was fine now.

However I don't talk to mother, her crime was nothing less.

how easy it is to blame women, I suppose it is the easiest thing.

While it is so hard to punish men for they are men.

I caught a pitiful glimpse of Awan walking to the market. 
I retuned to the city unskilled to live.

I kissed Timur and said
"I thought you were root cause to all my pain but your pain is so much greater than mine.  You silenced your existence for me to be able to see my father in dignity and pride, yet I accused you of being Insensitive.  I apologize.  Divorce me Timur.
We both need to free of each other"

He did not answer. 

I suppose he affirms.

A letter came in the mail.
I opened it feeling a little healed.
There were two white lilies in the envelope as well.

It prevailed Awan's cursive beautiful handwriting and the longest letter he had yet written.

I heard Timur call my name in a worrying tone.

"Mr Masi is severely ill. We must leave now"

I scurried in the car with him, the letter still in my hands, I called mother, she pleaded not to panic but she wailed sadly.
We were halfway through and I had father call me, he said we must safely arrive, there was nothing to worry about, he said he was fine, he asked me to hand the phone to Timur. I could not, I simply could not.

His voice alleviated the worries and I opened the letter of Awan and I read it with a sigh as Timur took a whiff from his cigarette, hand in the air, the breeze summoning us.