Critiques 2 [CLOSED FOR CATCH UP]

#213 Pocketpark Foxtrot

Pocketpark Foxtrot by @PandaWriterReads

I'll tag you in a post where I explain how to format dialogue properly to others since I saw it was an issue.

Almost impeccable grammar - well done. Please see my comments for the corrections to the small slips.

I found you used too many commas. Try and limit the use. Also, there were many comma splices. Use a semi colon or a full stop instead.

I liked the first chapter - it felt surreal and almost like a dream.

Chapter 2 didn't have a name. I'm sure you've noticed but I just wanted to point it out to you in case you didn't. The paragraph layout was also a bit messed up, or maybe that was just my version.

I found Isobel likeable... until the end. When she slaps her mother, there's no reaction, which made it feel really unrealistic. Describing the slap and going into more detail about that would really enhance the mother's character too.

Also, Isobel's character doesn't flow well. As I said in the comments, she's gentle one minute and then off her head the next and slapping everyone really rudely even when I don't think Becca did much wrong. Maybe mention that she only gets nervous or socially awkward around Charles, and that could solve the problem.

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