caught up ; mattia polibio

✰ chapter 46 ✰

songs for chapter 46 - everything i wanted by billie eilish & a thousand years by christina perri

deja's pov

june 24th, 7:13 in the morning. the day alejandro was leaving. even though everything was so complicated with us right now, i was devastated. no matter what terms we're on, how much he's annoying, and so on i always go back to how much i love him. even though i like mattia, i can barely stand to be around ale right now, i still can't imagine spending an entire month without seeing him at all. that breaks my heart.

there was no reason for me to be up this early. i never fell into a deep sleep last night because my thoughts were keeping me awake. i couldn't stop thinking about me and alejandro. maybe this break wasn't the right decision but there was no going back. most every unhealthy part of our relationship was my fault and my fault only. that sh!t hurt to think about...a lot. i'd been partying, spending time with the girls, putting on a seemingly happy act but i was miserable without him. i hadn't even been seeing mattia either. everything right now just hurt. there's absolutely no other way to put it except it hurt like hell. i rolled out of bed and dragged myself to the bathroom. the face that i saw in the mirror was so obviously exhausted; not only physically, but mentally. i splashed my face with cold water, got undressed, and hopped in the shower.

the heat of the water needed to be high even though it was warm outside. it replaced a feeling i haven't had with alejandro in a long time. even though i still love him the warm fuzzy feeling just isn't there anymore. it's awful, but i honestly feel like we're only together based on time and the fear of throwing our "forever thing" away for good. i'm not sure what i want. i'd love to be with mattia but that looks bad. i'd love to just be happy with alejandro but i don't think i'm capable of that anymore. i just don't get it. why does the thought of him leaving break me but the thought of us being in love any longer makes me want to throw up?

i was truly indecisive about the whole thing. a longterm relationship should not be one of those things you're simply feeling indecisive with. this wasn't deciding what clothes to wear on a tuesday morning, what you want for breakfast, the answer for a multiple choice test. this was two people's real and raw feelings. alejandro's goal in life is to be successful and start a family and unfortunately he associates me with that initial goal. it just wasn't fair to him that with making my own decision for my happiness i bring everything he hopes and dreams for in his future.

thinking about the situation gave me a headache. how can i not want to be around somebody so bad but simultaneously love them and care for their feelings so much? i know i'll cry when he leaves even though i don't even feel that connected to him anymore. that's the most confusing part, if i feel so little attachment why is the fact that he's leaving today bothering me so much? maybe i was self sabotaging myself and i was really meant to be with alejandro for the rest of my life.

i wish the universe would just go ahead and tell me because this wasn't fair anymore. being confused with what i want all the time was draining, i was a disgusting human for cheating on alejandro and for dragging his best friend down with me. the water was beginning to get cold so i shut it off, wrap a towel around my head and body, and dry myself off. i finished my hair by blow drying it and putting it half up and half down. i made my way back to my room to pick out an outfit. i decided on a hawaiian shirt over a tube top and some comfy shorts. we were only taking alejandro to the bus stop so i didn't really care how i looked. i look down at my phone and it was 8:30. still four hours until alejandro leaves to go to the steward academy.

12:15 pm

Messages
BABYBOY 🌎💕⚡️
omw

deja alvarez
okay. i'm going to sob btw

BABYBOY 🌎💕⚡️
we all are

deja alvarez
it's just me, you, your brother, and your mom right?

BABYBOY 🌎💕⚡️
yea i already saw the boys earlier

thank the lord that mattia wasn't coming. i didn't need to see him while this was all happening so i can cry even harder than i already will.

the car ride to the station was silent. there was an obvious emotional tension between everyone in the car. i sat in the back with his brother. i looked in the front and saw alejandro squeezing his mom's hand. he was nervous and i didn't blame him. his every move was about to be judged and this could make or break his college and career plans for the future, i would be freaking out too. on top of that, he was leaving his family, friends, and me for a month. that doesn't seem like a whole lot but when you're alejandro it is. he's extremely emotional and gets attached to things fairly easy this means he doesn't do good with being apart from those he cares about.

the car came to a stop and we all looked out the window. a sign read "Passaic Valley to Jersey City" and confirmed that this was it. we all stepped out of the car, still not speaking, and walked over to where passengers gathered to board. alejandro let out a long sigh, "i don't even know what to say...i'll just miss everybody a lot." he looked down at his feet, "thank you guys for every ounce of support. i wouldn't be here or have the motivation without any of you."

he looked up at his mom and brother and smiled, "i love you guys so freaking much..." he said pulling them both into a long drawn out hug.

he pulled away and stared deep into my eyes, his starting to fill with tears. "deja noelle..." he started. "i don't think i've been away from you for this long. this is gonna be crazy. i know things haven't been right with us lately but i still love you with every bone, organ, cell, and whatever else there is in my body."

he laughed, "i know it's only a month but after how bad everything's been with us lately this is the worst thing ever. i thought being away from you for a month would be able to help our relationship but at this point i don't think that's what we need. i'm sorry i can't give you everything you want but i try i really do..." i began tearing up and he looked to the side thinking of what to say next. "i don't know what else to say dej, i just love you so much and i'll repeat that over and over until the words are meaningless to you because that's just how i feel." alejandro pulled me into a tight hug and started sobbing on my shoulder. tears were running down my cheeks too. in between sobs we both managed to get out our "i love you's." he wiped away my tears and smiled, "can i kiss you one last time before i go?" i nodded. he placed a soft kiss on my lips. he walked over to his mom gave her a hug and a kiss on the cheek and then picked up his little brother into a hug. he gave us all a last little wave as the announcer made the last call to board the bus, "i love you guys!!" he walked away dragging his suitcase behind him.

all three of us were standing there watching him walk away, still crying our eyes out. i felt for us, i felt for him, i felt for all the hurt i was causing him without him even knowing. i felt so guilty like i always did.

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probably the most emotional chapter in the entire book. this actually hurt me to write. i've gotten so connected with all these characters throughout the past 46 chapters. this isn't the end, but it's coming. i love you guys. thank you for making it this far with me. 🖤