dang i miss writing.
. . .
the creak and flick of the door echoed across the room. from afar, i could already smell that CHANEL scented perfume. i'm a sucker for these types of perfume, or women - a certain woman to be exact. all i ever wanted my five senses to do was to shut down automatically whenever they sense her. guess we can't have everything we want.
i fix my things in a hurry, but for what?
"lisa..." a call. ah, my favorite human being.
i didn't dare look around. pretended to be busy.
"l-lisa," now it was louder, yet it cracked. i closed my eyes and took a deep breath, the ignoring game reaching its hard level. i am not ready for any encounter with her yet again. haven't i made that clear? but she needs me. i got to be there for her.
so i turn around, heaved a sigh, draped the strap of my bag on her shoulder and turned around. all my actions were forced, but i couldn't pinpoint the difference between forced and exhausted.
my lifeless eyes wandered around the countenance of this angel beside me. frail, weak. i feel a deep pinch in my heart. i ignore it.
"do something bad, l-lis. p-please," her eyes are now filled with tears. i gulp. "p-please lisa. b-bad - anything bad p-"
i don't want to hear her broken cries. her pleads for me to hurt her. do something bad, lis. please. i can't stand it.
once i took a step forward i knew the promise i took for myself ended. unfulfilled. i'm weak when it comes to jennie kim.
i hugged her.
it wasn't special. there was no sparkles or rainbows or sunshine. there was only thunder and lightning and heartaches. jennie needed this that's why i did it. she wanted something bad, and so i gave it to her. i'm always the choice if there's no more choice. i just gotta bite that.
it was all or nothing with jennie. and all, i let her ruin me.
"is this considered bad already?" too bothered by jennie's sentimental state, i didn't even realized that a tear made its way down my cheek.
"yes," jennie mumbled in response.
good.
jennie sniffles, seemingly not planning to let go. maybe this isn't bad enough. so i ignore all the thoughts that bugged my head and my aching heart and i kiss her.
i mold my lips with hers, whimpering at how perfect it fitted together, tears streaming because why can't jennie see this? why isn't she the one for me? why am i so fucking in love with her?
"why does it hurt so much?" jennie asked as soon as she broke the kiss. she's gaining her composure now. i don't know if i'm glad or sad. i don't know. "that's how you feel when you love." i answer.
"does it hurt like this? are you hurt just like this?" too many questions. please don't.
"yes, but i think mine's way worse than that." she chuckled dryly and sniffled. she's crying too.
"does it ever stop?"
i close my eyes and chuckled lightly. mustered to look at her divine cat-like eyes, forced myself not to cry in front of her. i should stop. i tucked in a lose hair behind jennie's ear and faked a smile for her.
"it doesn't. you just get used to the pain,"
everything stops for a moment.
. . .
