Jaded

Twenty

Her voice was like pouring salt on an open wound. I had hoped she would understand. I knew I shouldn't have but I still hoped nonetheless. I shook my head. I spun around, throwing myself down the hall and out of the house. I couldn't be there. I was angry. I was embarrassed. I was sad. I didn't want to feel these things. I never wanted to feel them but here I was. I slammed the door behind me as I hurried towards my car, throwing the door open and climbing inside. I knocked the car into reverse, speeding out of the driveway and down the road. There was only one place I wanted to be. The place I always went when I needed to clear my mind.

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I jabbed my brush into the paint, not even thinking about being careful. I raised my shaking hand to the canvas, trying to steady my hand. I ran the brush along the canvas, leaving black behind in its wake. The line was jagged and ugly. My brows pulled together in concentration as I tried again. I raised the brush to the canvas, bringing another line down. I removed my hand only to find that this line looked exactly like its predecessor. "Fuck!" I screamed, throwing the brush at the canvas. I grabbed a bottle of paint, throwing the liquid across the canvas. I was so angry that I didn't even care. I grabbed up another bottle doing the same thing. After several minutes I collapsed onto the floor, breathing heavily. I stared up at the canvas.

It was completely ruined. Maybe someone else might say it was decent abstract but the paint splatters didn't form like they were supposed to. Not to mention the two thick ugly lines in the center of the painting. I jerked a paint splattered hand through my hair, jerking on the ends. I couldn't focus. I couldn't unwind. My mind kept going and going and going. I just wanted it to stop. I wanted to block out these thoughts racing in and out of my head. I wanted to forget. I had to forget. Every time I tried to think about my painting or something I would hear it. I would hear dad's words over and over again in my head. I would hear mom agreeing with me.

It was like they were mocking me.

I shoved off of the ground. The move was so sudden it caused me to stumble backwards. I caught myself on the counter, steadying myself. I knew what I needed. I started towards the bathroom, grabbing up my purse as I went. I rushed into the bathroom, closing the door behind. I leaned agains the shut door, allowing my eyes to shut for a moment. We don't get to do the things we love. We do the things that allow us to survive. His words penetrated my mind, snapping my eyes open. I shoved off the door, leaning over the sink instead. I turned the water on, splashing it onto my face. I gasped as the cold liquid made contact with my hot skin. I looked into the mirror.

What had I been thinking? Did I honestly think they would hug me and let me go on my way? Did I think they would be happy I had figured it out? Did I think they would be anything else than exactly who they are? I ran my hand over my face. I was an idiot. I was stupid. I dropped my purse onto the sink, digging through its contents. I knew what I needed and this time Parker's voice didn't penetrate my mind. I needed something stronger. Something different. I pulled out a small baggie that contained a white powder. It wasn't my favorite drug but I did it. I took it when I needed something to not only numb me but bring me up. Pot and pills would make me feel numb and delightfully light but I cocaine was ten times that.

I poured some out onto the sink, cutting a line. I could feel my stomach clench in anticipation. It felt like it had been years since I'd had a good fix. I threw my hair over my shoulder as I moved towards the line. I snorted it, feeling a sense of lightheadedness. I fell back against the wall. My eyes slid closed and a smile spread across my lips. And then the door swung open, startlingly me out of my relaxed state. I jumped, feeling my heart beat kick into overdrive. And it only got worse when I saw who was standing in the door way. "What the—" Parker's voice trailed off as he took in the scene before him. His eyes moved first from me and my frenzied state to the sink were the bag of cocaine was sitting. His eyes snapped back to me as I started wiping at my nose. I pulled me finger away, revealing white. No. No, no, no, no.